There’s this person I know, a young woman I’ll call Mary. She’s a great friend, laughs freely, and is a lot of fun to be around. But the first time I hugged her, she stiffened like a board. For me, hugging – and any form of casual physical touch – comes naturally when I’m with my friends. I quickly realized, however, that Mary was the complete opposite.
As our friendship deepened, it became obvious that she has a very strong aversion to other people touching her. She dodges approaching hands with the deftness and agility of a dancer. It’s impressive, really, the way she protects her personal space.
I asked her about it one day – because I’m nosy like that. And what she told me was profound in its simplicity. With a shrug, she said, “It’s just who I am and how I’ve always been.” I couldn’t help but admire her unapologetic self-acceptance. Then she added, “It’s just part of my personality.”
How Personality Influences Our Preferences for Touch
The data from our research backs up Mary’s observations about herself. Certain aspects of our personality do seem to play an important role in how we relate to platonic physical touch, particularly the Thinking and Introverted personality traits.
According to our “Sense of Touch” survey, an average of about 56% of Thinking types agree that they enjoy casual physical contact, such as an arm around the shoulder, even when they’re out in public. Granted, that’s a majority, but compare that to the average of 79% of Feeling types who agree, and it’s clear that there’s quite a noticeable difference between people with these opposite personality traits.
Do you enjoy light physical touch – like a back scratch or arm around your shoulder – even when you are in public?
Source: Sense of Touch
In the same survey, we ask whether people consider physical touch an effective way to communicate, and this same notable divide reveals itself again. An overall average of 59% of Thinking types agree, compared to 83% of Feeling types.
Do you consider physical touch an effective way to communicate?
Source: Sense of Touch
In no way do these data points suggest that everyone with the Thinking trait is predisposed to disliking touch as much as my friend Mary does. In fact, these charts actually show that most Thinking types are okay with physical touch – just not to the same extent as their Feeling counterparts are.
If we look at these same two survey questions but focus on the Introverted and Extraverted personality traits, we see results that suggest a similar correlation between Introversion and a lower likelihood for enjoying physical touch.
On average, 65% of Introverts agree that they enjoy light physical touch, compared to 84% of Extraverts. About 70% of Introverts feel that physical touch is an effective way to communicate, but compare that to the 86% of Extraverts who agree, and we see a hint of Introverts’ trademark reserve.
Thinking Introverts and Avoiding Casual Touch
So now it’s time to name names – lovingly, of course.
Architects (INTJ), Logicians (INTP), Logisticians (ISTJ), and to a lesser extent, Virtuosos (ISTP) are all noteworthy for their comparatively low agreement with the two survey questions that I mentioned above.
So what gives? Why are they like this?
Well, they just are. As my friend Mary – who happens to be a Logician – affirmed, it’s just part of their personality.
The combined influence of the Introverted and Thinking personality traits can be clearly seen in how each personality type answers the question, “Would you describe yourself as openly expressive through physical contact?”
Would you describe yourself as openly expressive through physical contact?
Source: Sense of Touch
Introverted personalities are overwhelmingly likely to consider themselves private people, and for some, the reserve with which they express themselves extends around their physical body. Thinking Introverts are also less likely to report feeling a strong need to receive affection – either physical or emotional. Their Thinking trait underlies a general preference for intellectual connection over casual touch as a way of showing appreciation or affection.
Considering the private and cerebral nature of these personality types, the act of touching may feel very intimate to them. Nearly 70% of Architects, for example, consider hugging to be much more than a casual act. While people with other personality types might have different standards for what constitutes “intimacy,” most people agree that it requires a certain level of trust – something that Thinking Introverts are likely to reserve exclusively for those closest to them.
When we look at the big picture and consider how these two personality traits come together and play off of each other, it makes sense that Thinking Introverts may be more likely to bristle at or shy away from platonic touch from people they are not exactly close to.
Other Factors in Touch Avoidance
It’s important to acknowledge that certain factors beyond personality type might influence someone’s tendency to eschew casual physical contact.
In many cultures, casual touch – especially between people of the opposite sex – is uncommon or looked down upon. This can play a huge role in why a pat on the back or an arm around the shoulder might make someone feel deeply uncomfortable.
Zooming in from culture as a whole, individual family dynamics also have a lot to do with how we interact with one another in a physical sense. I’m a Feeling personality type, but when I was growing up, we never really hugged in my family. When I was a teenager, I would stiffen anytime a friend touched me, self-conscious and unsure how to react.
But I liked that touch, even though it made me uncomfortable. With time, I came to enjoy and reciprocate this casual back-and-forth contact. Doing so helped me feel closer to my friends. Eventually, it became normal for me to interact with people through friendly touch. This is not the case for everyone who has grown up in a home where casual physical displays of affection weren’t the norm, however, and many people never expand their comfort zone in this way.
Now, before I wrap up this article, there are two other factors that I feel need to be acknowledged, but I’m not going to do anything more than mention them. This isn’t to minimize them but rather to concede that they are far out of my field of expertise and the realm of personality theory.
The first factor is clinically referred to as tactile sensitivity or tactile defensiveness, which is a type of sensory processing disorder. This is a condition that goes beyond simply avoiding physical touch and has to do with a person’s sensory system. Usually associated with neurodivergence, it involves extreme sensitivity not only to physical touch but also to anything that may brush against the skin.
The second factor is abuse. When an abused person’s physical body has been violated or mistreated by others, it can have long-term impacts on how that person interacts with the world around them.
Some Final Thoughts
If you’re someone who shies away from physical touch, rest assured that you are not alone, and most importantly, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s healthy to recognize and respect your comfort zone and personal boundaries.
That isn’t to say that there might not be some awkward moments, like when I first hugged Mary. But her self-acceptance and willingness to talk about her preferences – and my willingness to respect those preferences – were key factors in our becoming such close friends.
And you know what? Every now and then, and always on her own terms, Mary gives me a little squeeze on the arm when she’s really excited about something. This little squeeze means more to me than the biggest bear hug from a casual acquaintance, because I know that she trusts me completely and enjoys my friendship as much as I enjoy hers.
If you prefer to avoid casual touch, how do you think your personality factors into this tendency? How do you communicate your needs and preferences to others? Be sure to let us know in the comments.
Further Reading
- Spotting Personality Traits in the Wild: Thinking vs. Feeling
- How to Spot Introversion and Extraversion in the Wild
- Some Personality Types Have a Harder Time Accepting Affection
- Self-acceptance is part of everyone’s journey of personal growth. Check out our Premium Suite of guides and tests for more insights on how personality theory can help you be your best self.
Comments
Please to join the discussion.