You’re wonderful and I love you. Does hearing that make you a little uncomfortable? If so, it could have something to do with your personality type. (Though it could also be because I’m a stranger saying it.) Different personality types have distinct behaviors, but does that include how we respond to affection? One might assume that everyone wants affection, and while that’s true on some level, the differences between personality types might be surprising.
How we react to affection may depend on its source as well as our own needs and preferences. Understanding our own responses as well as those of other personality types can be a valuable step in our personal growth. Why? Because recognizing the unique ways that personality types seek and accept affection can help us get the most out of our personal relationships. We can get better at giving and getting what’s needed.
So let’s look at some trends and contrasting response rates to a few questions from our ongoing “Affection” survey to see how different personalities feel about affection. (To see the full current data, take the survey yourself and see how your results compare.) Let’s start with a broad view.
The above chart shows the traits with significant contrasts: personalities with the Introverted, Thinking, Judging, or Assertive traits are less likely to agree that they seek at least some affection from everyone. (The Intuitive/Observant difference is minimal here.) For the sake of illustration, we’ll discuss a few of the more extreme types. Statistically speaking, Assertive Virtuosos (ISTP-As), Architects (INTJ-As), and Logisticians (ISTJ-As) are the least likely to seek affection from everyone, while Turbulent Campaigners (ENFP-Ts) and Entertainers (ESFP-Ts) are the most likely.
Do these survey results mean that Virtuosos, Architects, and Logisticians are cold and distant, rejecting people’s fond overtures? Hardly. (And I know that from experience as an Architect myself.) But it might reflect how different personalities value different forms of approval. Affection is just one kind of social validation, and it may appeal more to personalities who tend toward emotional openness…like Entertainers and Campaigners. That’s their natural inclination.
Relatively reserved personalities like Virtuosos, Architects, and Logisticians enjoy the approval of others, but they may place equal (or higher) value on forms of appreciation other than affection, like praise and respect. They often enjoy earning favor through their intellect, skills, and accomplishments and may not feel quite as much validation from emotional overtures as other personalities do. It’s also possible that they like affection equally but just aren’t prone to seeking it from everyone. Let’s be honest – that could require pretty forward, gregarious behavior that’s less likely for Introverts in general. Let’s narrow our focus a bit more regarding sources of affection.
When it comes to accepting affection from friends, fewer traits demonstrate significant differences in response rates. (The agreement rates for all other traits are about 60%.) That means that Introverted, Thinking personalities are more likely to have difficulty accepting affection from their friends, while Extraverted, Feeling types are less likely to. For example, about eight in 10 Architects and Logicians (INTPs) agree, versus about three in 10 Protagonists (ENFJs) and Campaigners – types that otherwise share the same traits.
It’s tempting to view easy acceptance of affection as normal and difficulty accepting it as a problem or personality flaw. For some people, that’s undoubtedly true, yet a vast number of Thinking Introverts manage to sustain fulfilling social relationships despite a reported difficulty accepting affection from their friends. Let’s consider why that might be.
It could be what we already mentioned – that Thinking Introverts may focus more on forms of connection other than affection. They may have stimulating, sincere, deep exchanges with their friends that don’t look like classic affection yet contain heartfelt energy. Joy, humor, kindness, and care are all wonderful aspects of friendship that can be shared without much emotional intimacy, though it often goes along with them (at least, among some personalities).
It’s also worth taking a step back from assumption and reconsidering what exactly it might mean when Thinking Introverts say they have difficulty accepting affection. Just because it’s more difficult for them than other personality types doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want affection. Difficulty can come in the form of discomfort or unfamiliarity more than resistance. Affection might make many Thinking Introverts squirm yet still feel appreciated.
Another possibility is that Thinking Introverts have a relatively narrow window of acceptance for affection that friends and acquaintances fall outside of. They may prefer to limit their emotional intimacy to close relationships (we’ll examine that in a moment) and keep friends somewhat more distant. Again, that wouldn’t preclude fulfilling social connections, just emotional intimacy. So, what about the people closest to them?
The traits with significant contrasts are the same here, but all agreement rates are much lower (roughly 40% for the other traits). Thinking Introverts are again most likely to agree, but only about half of them do so, instead of a strong majority. That’s a major relative difference, but it’s notable that many Thinking Introverts have a hard time accepting affection, even from the people closest to them.
On one hand, it seems pretty obvious that the source of affection plays a part in how any personality type reacts to that affection. We’re all more likely to be open to affection from people who are close to us. But on the other hand, personality traits are even bigger factors, with Thinking Introverts relatively less open to affection from any source. Different personality types have different needs – or different levels of need. Let’s look at that through the lens of personality Strategies.
That’s a complex chart! But the essence is that about a quarter of Confident Individualist (Introverted, Assertive) personalities say they have a high or very high need for affection, versus almost three-quarters of Social Engager (Extraverted, Turbulent) personalities. Additionally, more than six in 10 Feeling personalities say that their need for affection is high or very high, versus fewer than three in 10 Thinking personalities.
Check out one of the most contrasting rates of agreement among specific personality types: about one in 10 Assertive Architects say they have a high to very high need for affection, versus eight in 10 Turbulent Campaigners. So, in considering all that data, yes, personality traits can make a huge difference in a person’s need for affection, which itself can have a wide range.
Conclusion: What’s Important to You
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.”
So what’s the deal with some personality types having a low need for (and difficulty accepting) affection? My take, colored no doubt by being one of those personalities, is that it boils down to the nature of affection itself. Some of us just aren’t as comfortable with more emotionally intimate forms of connection, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t deeply value being appreciated.
At the risk of projection, I’ll also suggest that a reserved approach to seeking or receiving affection can be perfectly okay. We Thinking Introverts have a right to our boundaries, whether or not they make sense to other people. Just as some people are sensitive to physical contact, others may be sensitive to being touched emotionally. And, hey, having only a very few emotionally intimate relationships in life may be enough for some of us.
I’ll close with a big “but”: having a hard time accepting affection often goes hand in hand with having a hard time showing affection. That can be a big problem. Maintaining good relationships is so much easier when people feel loved. You can do that without getting “too mushy,” but finding your own way to express affection is, in my opinion, a critical growth priority for Thinking Introverts. You may never grow comfortable receiving affection, but if you can give it, that’s an okay kind of lopsided to be.