What is crying? It’s more than the small rivulets of salty water that stream down a person’s face during times of high emotion. And that “more” has a lot to do with a person’s worldview and the meaning (or lack of meaning) that tears hold for them. This is where the lens of personality traits and types enters the discussion and focus.
It’s likely not surprising to anyone familiar with our theory that Thinking (T) and Feeling (F) personality types look at crying differently. But our “Crying” survey has supplied us with a little more depth, and it broadens and reinforces definitions. So join us in our no-judgment look at crying.
Personality Types, Crying, and Purpose
One thing that marks a difference in what Thinking and Feeling personality types presume to be true about crying is the perceived value – or lack of value – that each type sees in it.
Feeling types are more likely to feel that crying has therapeutic or cathartic qualities. Compared to Thinking types, many more believe that crying for emotional reasons holds a benefit. This benefit goes a long way toward explaining why significantly more Feeling types say they cry often. However, this consideration probably hums quietly in the background most of the time. It’s unlikely that Feeling types need such a rationale to weep. Crying is more of an organic experience for them.
Thinking types report crying to a lesser degree than Feeling types do. They are also less likely to consider emotional crying to be an activity with a purpose. This is important, since these personalities typically prefer a solid rationale to justify their behaviors and attitudes.
Most Thinking types probably accept the biological benefits of crying without reservation. They may even give the nod to social reasons that account for the evolution of crying as an emotional expression in humans. (There are many complex theories as to why humans have evolved to respond to emotions by crying.)
But when it comes to crying for emotional reasons, Thinking types would rather not, at least when we compare them to Feeling types. That doesn’t mean that they don’t cry. There is always the danger of overplaying the “less than” card and interpreting their relative lack of tears to mean no crying at all. It’s likely that even those who stubbornly resist crying succumb to it on the right painful or joyful occasion.
Thinking personality types may either consciously or unconsciously hold that there is a more effective means of dealing with the negative emotions in their lives. For them, there may be little room for “useless” expressions of feelings.
But believing that crying is useless doesn’t make it so, and there are still many questions concerning humans and crying. We don’t know conclusively why people cry. We don’t know all the mechanisms that lead some to say they feel better after a good cry. There are plenty of good guesses in the form of scholarly ideas about the benefits of crying. So it may be premature for Thinking types to dismiss crying based on its perceived lack of practicality.
It may also be premature for Feeling personality types to insist that there is a therapeutic benefit to heartfelt sobbing. Do they feel better after a cry because something has happened physically or psychologically? Or could it be as simple as the fact they were crying and now they’re not, and it’s a relief not to be crying over the matter anymore?
C. S. Lewis captured both Thinking and Feeling personalities’ takes on crying in The Silver Chair: “Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.” He gives credence to the value of crying (for a time) while also addressing the need for practical solutions beyond crying.
But What about Good Tears?
While our thinking often defaults to crying over negative matters, it’s important to remember that people also cry when filled with joy and wonder. A beautiful sunset, an unexpected victory, or a theatrical performance can bring some to tears, but others remain tearless at such events. Many a man who normally resists crying has broken down upon seeing his newborn child. But, overall, crying in response to positive emotions reveals yet another gap between Feeling and Thinking personalities, with more Feeling types saying they cry when they experience deep happiness or awe.
Thinking types might wonder what use it is to cry at a wedding. Still, there is no need for anyone to find a more effective solution in that scenario – at least we hope not. We’ve guessed that fewer Thinking types say they cry over negative things because tears lack a purpose in their minds. However, when we look at crying for positive reasons, it suggests another, vaguer reason for Thinking personalities to report experiencing fewer tears. They just aren’t comfortable with saltwater flowing from their eyes.
Of course, it’s never quite that simple, and there is likely a laundry list of reasons for this discomfort that falls outside the scope of this particular study. Purpose and the absence of a need for purpose are just two of the many things that could be considered.
Where, When, Who?
“When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.”
As might be expected, the Extraverted (E) and Introverted (I) traits make a difference when it comes to where and when people cry. While most survey respondents, regardless of personality traits, say they prefer to cry when they’re alone, Introverts are more likely than Extraverts to say so. Introverts are more comfortable crying alone or with a small group of friends, while Extraverts may be more at home with public crying. Extraverts, who are likely more transparent with their pain, may signal to their social circle, the circle that helps them restore their energy, that they need support.
But when people cry with others around, they can feel vulnerable. Beyond feeling vulnerable, crying at the wrong place and the wrong time might actually make people vulnerable. Crying at work (or while playing baseball, according to Tom Hanks) might be seen by some as inappropriate – sometimes it might even damage a person’s standing or reputation. The workplace is not always a tolerant world for expressing feelings.
While most survey respondents say they fear others judging them for crying, Thinking personality types are a little more likely to fear this than Feeling personality types. Interestingly, they’re also slightly more likely to say that seeing someone cry would change their perception of that person. The Thinking individuals who say this may assume that everyone around them has the same tendency.
As one might expect, empathy seems to play a larger role in how Feeling personality types relate to crying. Feeling types are much more likely than Thinking types to feel the need to cry when they see someone else cry. They’re also far more likely to console a stranger crying in public than Thinking types are. Feeling personalities’ greater tendency to respond to another person’s plight may reinforce the theory that the purpose of tears is to send a distress signal. There’s usually a Feeling type around who’s likely to respond.
Under the “who” category, our exploration of crying would be incomplete without a nod to the possible influences of gender differences and the cultural standards that are sometimes imposed on people who are male. We recognize that some groups might discourage boys or men from crying. We considered the possibility that, if men were overrepresented among certain personality types or traits, it might skew the results of our survey, with gender being the primary influence rather than traits.
So we asked our crack team of researchers and statisticians about this, and they worked their statistical magic. They concluded that gender may have a small influence, but the influence of the Thinking and Feeling traits far outweighs gender. So it’s fair to say that personality traits drove our conclusions, rather than gender.
Conclusion with Some Advice
Half of the survey respondents say they’re fine with how much they cry. The problem with this is that it leaves the other half. So here is some advice for those who think they either cry too much or cry too little.
Crying Too Much
There is nothing wrong with crying. It’s a healthy and appropriate way to express both pain and joy. But if you feel that you are crying too much, consider that there might be something else going on. There could always be physical or psychological reasons for your weeping. If crying excessively is a problem, it’s a good idea to start with your family doctor or general practitioner to rule out any physical causes. Let them know that you feel like you cry too often. With your doctor, you can first rule out any physical cause. If it’s not physical, your doctor will likely point you in another direction. If they don’t, you can look for a therapist or counselor who will work with you on your own.
Meanwhile, self-soothing is a great way to temporarily handle tears. If you feel like you cry too much, consider self-soothing as first aid. But first, recognize that crying itself is a form of self-soothing. Many studies suggest a relationship between crying and feeling better. Still, there is a long way to go with research on crying, and crying isn’t always effective. Sometimes people feel worse after a good cry. But if you feel that you cry a lot, it may suggest a need to look at the bigger picture.
Many simple methods of self-soothing involve some form of engaging your senses. It might be a cup of cocoa and a warm blanket that soothes you. How about a long, hot bath with candles all around? Sure, a pint of ice cream every night might be feeding your pain rather than dealing with it, but enjoying a container of Chunky Monkey on occasion probably won’t hurt you. It may make you feel better for a while – especially if it’s paired with a feel-good movie.
There’s nothing wrong with pampering yourself. You have a right to retreat into comfort when you feel pain. But remember, these are first-aid measures. If you retreat to the point that it’s negatively affecting your life, you may want to seek further guidance from someone who is trained to help.
Crying Too Little
Consider whether your infrequent indulgence in crying is because you won’t cry or you can’t cry. The word “won’t” suggests the willful act of holding back tears. You’ve simply decided what to do with crying – you just don’t do it. If your answer is “won’t,” maybe ask yourself why. But ultimately, that’s your choice and your worldview. Whether that’s good or bad is your call and your choice.
If it’s because you can’t, that suggests that you feel you have no choice, and that’s a whole different matter. Exploring and removing the things blocking you from expressing your emotions is a worthy pursuit. Why do you so rarely cry? Finding the answer may open new dimensions in your life. (A good approach to dealing with sadness can be found in this Psychology Today article.)
Whether you cry a lot or a little or somewhere in between, there is no right way or wrong way to cry. We are who we are. But we always want to live intentionally. Hopefully, this has given you a moment to stop and think about your own relationship with crying and maybe find encouragement to embrace or change your style. There is no defined right way to express your feelings.
Further Reading
- To participate in our “Crying” survey and compare your results to those of other personality types, click here.
- Does isolation have you feeling down? See our tips on surviving social isolation for your personality type and coping with depression.
- Learn more about dealing with situational sadness when you’ve got a temporary case of the blues.
- When movies and books get emotional, do you feel cathartic or do you cringe? Check out our research on how personality types react to emotion in movies and books.
- Our Emotional Intelligence Test can show you how well you understand your own emotions and those of other people. (Premium resource.)
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