The Roots of Attachment, Part III: A Personality-Based Path to Secure Attachment

Welcome to the third installment of our deep dive into attachment styles. In Part I of this series, we explored how personality traits influence parenting styles – and what that may have meant for you as a child. In Part II, we took it a step further to link those parenting styles to childhood attachment patterns. In this article, we want to help you turn those insights inward to take positive action with your newly expanded sense of self-awareness.

If you’ve read the other articles, you likely have a good idea of how you developed your childhood attachment style and what that attachment style is. Now, we want to invite you to take a more thorough and detailed look at your personal history to understand the attachment patterns you’ve developed as an adult, specifically within your romantic relationships. Then we’ll discuss how to develop a more secure attachment style, with advice tailored to each personality Role. Your personality offers valuable direction for your most effective path forward, and we’ll provide you with specific strategies that work with, rather than against, your natural tendencies.

While this article offers strategies for growth, it’s not a substitute for professional help. If you find yourself struggling with difficult emotions or memories, please consider working with a qualified mental health professional who can provide personalized support.

Mapping Your Current Attachment Style

As we explore attachment patterns, please note that adult attachment styles focus on your internal experience and how you see yourself within relationships. Childhood attachment styles, in contrast, are named based on the observable behaviors between children and their primary caregiver.

Although the underlying emotional patterns are similar, adult attachment styles reflect the complex ways that these early patterns evolved through life experiences, such as relationships, losses, and traumas. Some people find that their childhood attachment style intensifies over time. Others develop adaptive strategies for relating to others, or experience different attachment styles within their different romantic relationships. This flexibility shows that attachment styles are not fixed. Attachment is a dynamic framework that continues developing throughout life.

Keeping this in mind, take a moment to consider which of these patterns most resonates with your relationship experiences as an adult:

Secure Attachment

People with secure attachment feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence, viewing relationships as safe havens that support rather than threaten their sense of self. A secure attachment style can often be recognized by the following healthy behaviors:

Communicating your needs and feelings openly without excessive fear of rejection
Trusting your partner while maintaining healthy boundaries
Viewing relationships as partnerships rather than sources of validation
Recovering relatively quickly from relationship conflicts
Accepting your partner’s imperfections without constant criticism
Balancing your relationship with other important aspects of your life

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Those with anxious-preoccupied attachment have a deep desire for closeness but often worry that their partners don’t share the same level of commitment or affection. This attachment style often manifests as behaviors like these:

Craving intense closeness and reassurance in relationships
Worrying excessively about your partner’s feelings toward you
Becoming preoccupied with your relationship at the expense of other life areas
Interpreting neutral situations as signs of rejection or abandonment
Having a strong need for external validation of your worth
Displaying heightened emotional reactions to perceived distance
Struggling with setting or respecting boundaries in relationships

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

People with dismissive-avoidant attachment prioritize self-sufficiency and often view emotional dependence as a weakness or a threat to their autonomy. The following characteristics tend to indicate a dismissive-avoidant attachment style:

Emphasizing self-reliance and independence above all else
Minimizing the importance of close relationships in your life
Experiencing discomfort with emotional vulnerability or deep intimacy
Intellectualizing feelings rather than experiencing them fully
Withdrawing when relationships become emotionally demanding
Maintaining emotional distance as a way to feel secure
Having difficulty expressing needs or depending on others

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Those with fearful-avoidant attachment experience an internal tug-of-war between desperately wanting close relationships and fearing the potential pain they might bring. Here are some common signs of a fearful-avoidant attachment style:

Experiencing intense contradictory desires for both closeness and distance
Displaying unpredictable patterns of approaching and withdrawing from partners
Struggling with regulating emotions in relationships
Having difficulty trusting others while simultaneously craving connection
Becoming overwhelmed by relationship conflicts
Feeling unworthy of love yet fearful of rejection
Alternating between anxious and avoidant behaviors in the same relationship

If you’re still unsure which adult attachment style you might have, why not take a quiz to find out? The Attachment Project offers a free, five-minute quiz that helps you identify which attachment style your relationship patterns most closely align with.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment: Role-Specific Strategies for Growth

Before we get into practical advice, try to think of this moment in your life as one full of possibility. The insights you’ve developed about your childhood and adult attachment patterns can inform your path toward a more secure attachment style. For this to happen, however, you must move forward with genuine self-compassion.

Self-compassion becomes easier when you understand the relationship between your personality and attachment patterns. Recognizing this connection doesn’t just help you make sense of how you interact in your relationships – it also points to the most effective strategies for developing a more secure attachment style.

So, let’s explore how the personality types belonging to each Role can use their natural tendencies to develop a healthier attachment style.

If you haven’t taken our free personality test yet, take a pause and do so now! You’ll want to know what Role you belong to as you read through the rest of this article.

Analysts

Analyst personality types – INTJ (Architects), INTP (Logicians), ENTJ (Commanders), and ENTP (Debaters) – all tend to take a pragmatic approach to their emotional experiences. This can be a double-edged sword in forming a more secure attachment style. Analysts can objectively see their attachment patterns if they choose to do so. However, their more rational nature might hold them back from actually processing the underlying emotions that shape those patterns.

The key for Analysts who want to develop a more secure attachment style is to recognize that emotions and emotional reactions also fall into patterns, which often go hand in hand. People with an Analyst personality type can use their natural curiosity to explore how their emotions link to their behavior in their own lives. Then, having identified their patterns, they can change them by applying the same rigorous analysis and problem-solving skills that they might use to confront more “rational” life challenges.

Analysts might find the following strategies useful in their quest to develop a more secure attachment style:

Charting the links between their formative experiences and the attachment-related assumptions they bring into their relationships. For example, “When I was a child and got angry or emotional, I was often sent to my room to be by myself. Now, when I feel a strong reaction to what my partner says or does, I need to take personal space."
Developing a systematic framework for moving through difficult moments. “When doubting my partner’s commitment to our relationship, I will: (1) Analyze what else might be happening in my partner’s life influencing their behavior; (2) Make myself available, but give my partner the space they need to work through their own issues; and (3) Focus on activities that I love.”

Practicing direct communication of needs instead of testing relationships. “If I am struggling with trusting my partner, rather than asking them a theoretical question to gauge their loyalty, I’ll talk about the underlying feeling of uncertainty.”

Recognizing their anxieties and fears, then gathering evidence to contradict them. “I sometimes feel like my partner doesn’t really care about me, but there are certain things they do all the time that prove otherwise.”

Identifying the moments and circumstances where they feel most at ease in their relationship. Then, cultivating more of those moments to create opportunities for closeness and vulnerability. “When my partner and I are out hiking, I find it easier to talk to them. When I need to discuss something particularly difficult, or if I’m feeling stressed or uneasy, I’ll invite them on a hike so it will be easier to talk.”

Analyst personality types can think of secure attachment as a set of skills to master. This will allow them to identify and challenge the attachment-related tendencies that keep them from forming the secure connection they want in their romantic relationships.

Reflection Questions for All Analysts

To jump-start your process of self-appraisal, take some time to reflect on the following questions:

How do my analytical skills both support and hinder my emotional connections?
What patterns do I notice in my relationship behaviors?
When do I feel most naturally connected to others?

Diplomats

Diplomat personality types – INFJ (Advocates), INFP (Mediators), ENFJ (Protagonists), and ENFP (Campaigners) – share a strong sense of emotional awareness and a deep desire for authentic connection. These tendencies can help them understand their attachment dynamics with remarkable clarity. However, these same qualities might also intensify their experience of attachment-related anxiety or avoidance behaviors.

The path forward for Diplomats lies in developing what might be called “emotional wisdom.” This means knowing how to be emotionally attuned while maintaining healthy boundaries and realistic expectations. These personalities can use their natural idealism and desire for intimacy to envision and build healthier relationship patterns. They also need to learn the skills necessary to prevent emotional overextension and burnout.

Some strategies that Diplomat personality types might want to employ as they develop secure attachment include:

Examining the expectations they bring into their relationship and how those expectations might be linked to their attachment style. For example, “I’m often disappointed because my partner doesn’t intuitively understand what I need. When I was little, I never felt like my parents understood what I needed, either.”

Creating emotional boundaries without losing empathy or feeling that they are putting the relationship at risk. “When my partner is upset, I can be present with their feelings without feeling like everything is my fault or that our relationship is in danger.”

Using their gift for self-reflection productively rather than falling into rumination. “I’ll dedicate 20 minutes to journal about my relationship concerns, then do something that grounds me in the present moment.”

Developing their awareness of where their own emotions end and their partner’s begin. “When I feel overwhelmed in my relationship, I’ll pause to ask: ‘Are these my feelings, or am I absorbing my partner’s emotional state?’”

Building a balanced support system that extends beyond their primary relationship. “Instead of putting all my energy into my relationship and hoping my partner will meet all my emotional needs, I can cultivate meaningful connections with other friends and maintain my individual interests.”

For Diplomat personality types, it may be helpful to view secure attachment as a continuous process of self-discovery and growth. It’s not a final destination. The key is to channel their natural empathy and emotional intelligence to maintain clear personal boundaries and realistic expectations for their romantic relationships.

Reflection Questions for All Diplomats

Consider using your natural gift for introspection to contemplate the following questions:

How can I balance my deep empathy with healthy self-protection?
In what ways might my idealism be negatively affecting my relationship?
How can I use my emotional intelligence to better understand my attachment patterns?

Sentinels

Sentinel personality types – ISTJ (Logisticians), ISFJ (Defenders), ESTJ (Executives), and ESFJ (Consuls) – are likely to value more traditional approaches to their romantic relationships. This often shows up as an ability to build lasting connections through consistent, meaningful action. Unfortunately, these tendencies can sometimes cause them to maintain unfulfilling attachment-related patterns simply because it’s what they know.

When it comes to developing a more secure attachment style, Sentinels can start by identifying their unhelpful habits. Then, they’ll want to replace those patterns with ones that genuinely support stable and consistent relationships. These personality types must recognize that thoughtful adaptability is essential for real emotional security.

Some strategies that Sentinel personality types might want to adopt include:

Examining their harmony-seeking behaviors for underlying attachment patterns. For example, “I often focus on making sure that life stays on track instead of sharing what I’m feeling. While this keeps the peace, it does not create the connection I want. Instead, I must express what I really need.”

Balancing their instinct to fix with their capacity to listen and offer supportive empathy. “When my partner shares their struggles, I can practice sitting with their feelings instead of immediately trying to solve their problems. It’s okay to not fix everything.”

Building emotional security through intentional and genuine presence. Being a reliable partner includes being consistently emotionally available. “Instead of trying to anticipate and meet every need, I can focus on being fully present with my partner, allowing space for them to open up as they are ready.”

Focusing on the big picture of their relationship in difficult moments. “I might feel like my partner is pulling away, but this doesn’t mean that my relationship is in trouble. We have a lot going for us.”

Resisting the urge to overcontrol the different facets of their relationship. “When things feel predictable, my relationship feels safe. But I cannot control my partner’s actions, feelings, and needs. I can’t always control my own feelings, either, or external life circumstances. These are things I must accept and let go of.”

For Sentinel personalities, it’s important to understand that emotional security isn’t about perfecting a specific set of behaviors or prioritizing commitment at all costs. Instead, it’s about staying steady in your core values while allowing for the natural ebb and flow of emotional connection. Sentinels’ natural ability to create stability is an asset in building secure relationships if they apply their skills through attentive presence rather than rigid control.

Reflection Questions for All Sentinels

As you work toward more conscientious relationship habits, we invite you to reflect on these specific questions:

What patterns am I maintaining in my relationship out of habit or a sense of obligation?
How might my desire for stability or predictability sometimes prevent a deeper emotional connection?
When do I feel most at ease in my relationships, and what makes those moments possible?

Explorers

Explorer personality types – ISTP (Virtuosos), ISFP (Adventurers), ESTP (Entrepreneurs), and ESFP (Entertainers) – are all able to fully engage with the present moment. In relationships, this often shows up as a preference for connecting through shared experiences rather than through words alone. However, this same quality might lead them to overlook or ignore difficult, attachment-related patterns that may be affecting their relationships.

Explorers who want more secure relationships need to develop greater self-awareness. They must recognize whether certain behaviors actually stem from their attachment patterns rather than their personality traits, and vice versa. This knowledge will allow them to interact more intentionally with their partner. They can achieve the relationships they desire without sacrificing their “here-and-now” approach to life.

Some strategies that Explorer personality types might want to call upon in their move toward secure attachment include:

Recognizing their need for autonomy and how it influences their relationship to commitment. For example, “Sometimes I pull away from relationships, but not because there’s anything wrong. I can learn to recognize this tendency and practice telling my partner about my needs instead of just disappearing.”

Finding ways to ground themselves in the present to form a more sincere emotional bond with their partner. "When I’m feeling insecure about my relationship, I tend to distract myself (or my partner) with fun activities. In these moments, rather than focusing outward, I can try to make sense of the feelings I might be trying to avoid.”

Avoiding impulsive conclusions or decisions about the relationship – especially during moments of anxiety – that could have negative long-term consequences. “When I feel critical of my relationship, I can commit to waiting 24 hours before making any major decisions or having serious conversations about the future.”

Resisting the urge to test boundaries. “Instead of testing my partner’s patience to see if they truly respect me, I’ll try to express my need for personal space more openly.”

Focusing on the long-term growth of their relationship. “When things start to feel stagnant, or I don’t feel particularly close to my partner, it doesn’t mean that our connection is gone. Feelings ebb and flow, and that’s natural.”

For Explorer personality types, feeling secure with their partner doesn’t require sacrificing their sense of self or freedom. Instead, they need to focus on building a stable foundation in their relationship that can support their natural flexibility and spontaneity. Their adaptability and in-the-moment awareness can be powerful tools for building connection. The key is channeling these strengths into consistent, meaningful interactions rather than unpredictable moments of intensity.

Reflection Questions for All Explorers

As you turn your attention inward to examine these dynamics, consider the following questions:

When do I feel most authentic and connected in my relationships?
How can I create stability in relationships without feeling trapped?
What patterns might I be missing by focusing solely on the present moment?

Common Threads: The Universal Path to Secure Attachment

While individuals within each Role may take different approaches to developing secure attachment, certain fundamental principles emerge regardless of personality type. Developing secure attachment involves three key elements – greater self-awareness, learning to balance independence with intimacy, and building the capacity to remain present with difficult emotions. Whether through an Analyst’s systematic approach, a Diplomat’s emotional attunement, a Sentinel’s steady dedication, or an Explorer’s authentic presence, all paths require us to examine our patterns, challenge our assumptions, and gradually expand our comfort zones in relationships.

Perhaps most importantly, every personality type must learn to approach this personal growth with self-compassion. As we’ve explored throughout this series, our attachment patterns developed as adaptations to our early environments. They helped us survive and cope with our circumstances. When these patterns no longer serve us, judging ourselves for having them only perpetuates insecurity. What matters is acknowledging where we are, appreciating how far we’ve come, and moving forward with patience and understanding for ourselves and others.

Final Thoughts on Personality and Attachment Styles

Throughout this series, we’ve thoroughly explored the roots of attachment. We started by looking at the complex connections between personality, parenting styles, and childhood attachment. Then, we came around to your adult attachment patterns and how to develop a more secure attachment style. This multi-layered understanding provides a foundation for potentially profound personal growth within your romantic relationship, allowing you to work with your natural tendencies to develop more secure ways of relating to your partner and yourself.

The journey toward secure attachment is not about becoming a different person or denying the unique characteristics of your personality. Instead, it’s about learning to express those qualities in ways that promote genuine connection while honoring your authentic self. Secure attachment requires you to sit with difficult emotions, establish healthy boundaries, and be flexible yet consistent. If your parents, caregivers, or life circumstances didn’t help you learn those skills when you were growing up, that’s okay. You can set to work on learning them today.

Remember, developing a secure attachment style is a process. It happens gradually, through countless small moments of choosing vulnerability over self-protection, presence over distraction, and connection over isolation. By approaching this process with self-awareness, patience, and compassion – and by leaning into the strengths of your personality type – you can create more fulfilling relationships while remaining true to who you are.

What’s next, you might ask? Dive even deeper into your personality-based path of personal growth through your Premium Personality Report – a personalized exploration of the different traits that make you uniquely you.

Then, look for Part IV of this series – a bonus article dedicated to parents and caregivers who want to support their children in developing a secure attachment style.