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I Love You, but You Can’t Do That: Boundaries, Love, and Personality Types

Darrell 14 comments
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“‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

ANNE LAMOTT

Contents

Getting on the Same Page: Foundational Definitions

The Interplay of Traits and Boundaries

What about You?

Love, Boundaries, and Boundary Issues

Opening and Closing the Gates

Getting on the Same Page: Foundational Definitions

Boundaries are loosely a way of saying, “This is mine. I value it because I respect myself.” Brené Brown defines boundaries simply, and probably more accurately, as, “What’s okay and what’s not okay.”

Our topic is personality types and boundaries in romance. So, keeping in mind that personality theory is the target that we’re ultimately aiming for, let’s first set a foundation so that we know we’re talking about the same thing.

“Wait a minute. Are boundaries necessary in a romantic relationship?” you might ask. “I mean, doesn’t love dissolve the need for barriers?” It’s a fanciful notion to believe that two people meet, fall in love, and blend seamlessly – two become one, literally.

Boundaries are fluid things that change depending on who we are with. We would expect that two people in a romantic relationship would have more open “borders” than, for example, acquaintances at work. Connection and compromise are part of a love relationship, more so than what might be expected with any other relationship. However, individuality remains throughout a love relationship. So, while there may be fewer places that one partner would insist on maintaining boundaries, having boundaries is still important to the growth of the individual partner. How skillfully each partner negotiates boundaries is often where the shared growth of a relationship occurs.

Most of us understand that, while common interests are important, there are still two distinct individuals involved, each possessing individual concerns. In relationships, things between two people can sometimes overlap where perhaps they shouldn’t. Tensions can rise and cause unnecessary bumps in the road for a couple if boundaries aren’t clear. Learning to navigate the borders of individuality in a relationship is essential for harmony.

Let’s speculate about how boundaries might work according to personality types.

If you don’t know your personality type, please take our free test and find out which traits you possess.

The numbers may vary depending on who is talking about the subject, but there are basically six ways that people can violate an individual’s boundaries:

  1. Emotional or feelings: This happens when someone invades a person’s emotional space by either pressing them to share their feelings before they’re ready to talk about the issue at hand or by causing emotional pain through unwarranted disapproval or some other insult to the person.
  2. Physical:  You know that person who keeps touching your shoulder and standing so close that you become uncomfortable? Yeah. That’s a physical boundary violation. It can be as simple as getting into someone’s personal space or as extreme as unwanted physical contact of any sort (whether affectionate, violent, or anything else).
  3. Intellectual:  This violation occurs when people are demeaned or rejected disrespectfully for their ideas and thoughts. A healthy and welcome critique is not a boundary violation, although one might want to be careful if it feels like there’s some power play involved. That could be a sneaky violation.
  4. Schedule or time:  This violation is about one person insisting on wasting another person’s time.
  5. Sexual:  Any unwanted contact of a sexual nature, including suggestive comments, ogling, or touching, is a sign of this boundary violation.
  6. Material:  A material violation happens when someone touches an individual’s belongings without their permission. Extreme material boundary violations can include damaging personal property and theft.

While any of these boundary violations can occur in a romantic relationship, the emotional and intellectual infringements are more likely to be the culprits that bring about the most trouble. (See Romantic Conflicts: Four Horsemen and Four Personality Type Groups.)

To further refine the topic, we can categorize boundaries in three ways:

A healthy boundary is when an individual controls their personal space and has strong enough boundaries where needed, yet is flexible enough to let others in when appropriate. They feel comfortable saying no when they want to deny a request. They are assertive enough to protect and preserve that which belongs to them on all levels. They remain flexible and easily move their boundaries when it works in their favor wholesomely, but this should reflect growth rather than surrender.

A porous boundary is when someone “leaks” too many of the things that they should cherish and protect or lets too many things in that may not benefit them. Metaphorically, they open their doors to too many people too freely. If they are sharing something that needs to stay private, even one person who receives too much information becomes “too many people.” Someone who overshares on social media is a good example.

People with porous boundaries often do things not because they want to but because they don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings by declining a request. They might find themselves almost incapacitated because a friend is going through rough times – it’s almost like they can’t distinguish between their feelings and desires and those of someone else.

A rigid boundary is all about control and not wanting anyone to see one’s flaws and weaknesses. Consequently, people with rigid boundaries profoundly limit the number of other people they “let in.” In a romantic relationship, they may not let their partner in enough. The fear of showing vulnerability can prevent growth and healthy relationships. Black-and-white thinking is sometimes a side effect of keeping control: control is easier to keep if it’s broken down into good and bad or some other simplistic set of choices. There is no middle ground.

Nobody sits in only one of the three categories without ever venturing into the other two. A lot depends on the situation and the other people involved.

A person might put up rigid boundaries in a new dating situation and curate what the potential romantic partner sees. (For example, saying they have no opinion on a subject when they do, but they fear revealing their position because it might not be what their date wants to hear.) Simultaneously, their boundary may have a few porous spots if they are people pleasers and feel that they want to gratify their date. (For instance, agreeing to go for sushi when they hate sushi, but their new date loves it.)

The Interplay of Traits and Boundaries

With personality study, some sweeping generalizations about traits might be reasonably made. For example, people with the Introverted and Judging personality traits might be more susceptible to rigid boundaries. On the other hand, those with the Extraverted and Prospecting personality traits may be more susceptible to the more open, porous boundaries. These tendencies spring out of too much or too little of something and are determined by degrees. Here are a few thoughts on how traits may sometimes play a role with boundaries:

  • Introverted people may be more comfortable closing themselves off from others, and if this tendency is excessive, they may do so rigidly.
  • Judging personality types may regard too much feedback from others as endangering their sense of a set order to things – best to close the gates rather than let disruptors in.
  • Extraverts draw energy from others, and if this gets too extreme, they may let too many other people into places where privacy might be more appropriate.
  • Prospecting personality types are open to many things, including the ideas or attitudes of others, and they may be less concerned about others disrupting the order of things. The reverse can also be true when Prospecting types overshare the many things happening in their lives.

This doesn’t mean that each trait is confined to only one type of boundary. Extraverts can possess rigid boundaries in their own fashion, for example. But the fundamental characteristics of the trait suggest that those who possess it might lean one way or another.

What about You?

But that’s enough foundation building. Let’s talk about you.

This article aims to explore the various boundary issues that might be bothersome for each personality type. We’ll briefly examine what healthy, porous, and rigid boundaries for each type might look like when a loving relationship is present.

As with many things, personality may have a significant influence on boundaries, but other factors are also at play. Life is more complex, and that complexity doesn’t allow putting all the weight of boundaries on personality alone. So, if a description doesn’t resonate, no worries – these are generalizations based solely on what influence might come from a particular constellation of personality traits. So, as they say, your mileage may vary.

Love, Boundaries, and Boundary Issues

Analyst Personality Types

Architect (INTJ)

  • Healthy: Individual Architects with healthy boundaries are strong enough in their many opinions not only to stand firm when their partner may not understand or approve – but also to respect their significant other even when they disagree. They’re comfortable standing on their own and being part of a couple simultaneously. They are also flexible enough to change their plans if their partner makes a compelling case against a direction that they are headed in.
  • Porous: Architects’ boundaries are likely to be most porous when it comes to offering advice that their partner hasn’t asked for or providing insights too readily. Also, playing with various ideas, Architects may offer their thoughts freely without telling their significant other that their musings are not a real option but simply an intellectual exercise.
  • Rigid: Like their healthy boundaries, Architects’ more rigid boundaries also have them standing on their own, not so much from a confident and assertive place but more from a defensive place. They are likely to hold their cards extremely close to avoid anybody questioning their hand. Collaboration is avoided at all costs when their borders are closed.

Logician (INTP)

  • Healthy: Logicians’ boundaries are healthiest when people with this personality type protect their right to explore without apology, even when their partner doesn’t understand them. And yet, if their significant other requires a more structured direction in their life, Logicians with healthy boundaries remain respectful of their partner’s needs. They also understand that not everything needs to be said and choose their words with attention to the feelings and interests of the person they love.
  • Porous: Logician personalities’ boundaries are most porous when they shoot their discoveries and knowledge at their partner in rapid-fire succession. This flooding of information is especially grievous if their goal is to get their loved one to appreciate how clever they are. They may also have trouble deciding on or sticking to any boundaries at all. Such vacillation can cause confusion and anxiety as their partner struggles to find their way around the Logician’s borders.
  • Rigid: Boundaries are most rigid when Logicians live up to their reputation of being eccentric loners. When they go into themselves and don’t let others into their world, they are likely missing out on valuable stuff. That reality is probably multiplied when what they are missing out on are the gifts brought by a loving relationship.

Commander (ENTJ)

  • Healthy: Commanders’ boundaries are healthiest when they allow people with this personality type to interact with others in an intelligent and organized manner. This also permits them to be flexible and respectful enough of others. There may be a “take charge” mindset, but it’s reasonable and welcomes ample input from their partner.
  • Porous: The word “overbearing” may best describe Commanders with porous boundaries. If they are leaking their imperatives all over the relationship, it can be overwhelming for their partner – especially if their partner isn’t feeling heard.
  • Rigid: Commanders with rigid boundaries won’t have the flexibility necessary for a relationship where a healthy give-and-take is valued by the other partner. With rigid boundaries, the “take charge” mindset leaves a reasonable attitude behind in favor of dictatorial and demanding stances. Such a stance is likely to turn off all but the most passive partner.

Debater (ENTP)

  • Healthy: Debaters with healthy boundaries share their best ideas with their partner and remain open to their partner’s ideas. They can regulate their impulse to deconstruct and “fix” any ideas that their partner shares, showing respect and love instead.
  • Porous: “Unrelenting” is the word that comes to mind for Debaters with porous boundaries. Expressing an opinion about everything can exhaust a partner who is virtually a captive audience.
  • Rigid: Debaters with rigid boundaries have little tolerance for anything that doesn’t align with their opinions. The give-and-take of a romantic relationship can become either tense or nonexistent.

Diplomat Personality Types

Advocate (INFJ)

  • Healthy: Individual Advocates who possess healthy boundaries live up to the tolerance that they like to believe is an essential part of who they are. When boundaries are well balanced, Advocate personalities maintain and protect their convictions. They are also careful with their opinions and voice them judiciously, and they listen carefully to their partner’s thoughts. They respect their significant other regardless of whether they agree or disagree.
  • Porous: Advocate personality types can be preachy when their boundary floodgates are open, and a partner may have limited capacity to listen to nonstop sermons. Advocates may leave little space for their significant other’s voice among the many moral lectures.
  • Rigid: Individual Advocates who maintain unyielding boundaries may close themselves off from their partner and ponder solitary thoughts instead of speaking their mind. When they decide to share their convictions, they may provide little room for debate, leaving their significant other believing that their own ideas and actions are insignificant.

Mediator (INFP)

  • Healthy: A Mediator with healthy boundaries knows what keeps them feeling safe. When these personalities are in a strong space, they are assertive enough to draw a line when something feels overwhelming or potentially painful. They know how to send their partner clear messages about the things to which they may be sensitive. They share enough to create an intense bond but not so much that they monopolize the conversation with the things that trigger them.
  • Porous: The word that comes to mind for Mediators with porous boundaries is “unedited.” All their sensitivities and emotions live near the surface when their boundaries lack rigor. They become so reactive that their partner may feel like they have no choice but to walk on eggshells constantly.
  • Rigid: Mediator personalities are likely more rigid when they withdraw rather than sharing their concerns and sensitivities in an appropriate manner. They may choose to suffer in silence rather than confide in their partner. A Mediator’s silence can cause a bigger rift than this caring type would ever want.

Protagonist (ENFJ)

  • Healthy: Protagonists with healthy boundaries share in the truest sense of the word. They not only give of themselves but they also reasonably expect that their significant other will return the favor. However, their expectations of their partner are realistic, and Protagonists strive to ensure that both partners are clear about what they can expect from each other.
  • Porous: Protagonist personality types have porous boundaries when they can’t separate their partner’s problems and feelings from their own, and they may fail to protect their own interests or preserve their energy and well-being. Or, on the other side of the same coin, a Protagonist with weak boundaries may sometimes be too pushy trying to be helpful. They may not know when to back down. They may also be unable to let their significant other solve their problems in their own way.
  • Rigid: Unilaterally formed assumptions could be the brick and mortar of a Protagonist’s rigid border wall. If their Judging personality trait is too dominant, they may assume that they hold the key to what is real and right and expect their partner to fall in line, presuming that there’s no need for a discussion.

Campaigner (ENFP)

  • Healthy: Healthy boundaries for Campaigner individuals might include creating clearly defined borders that still honor their flexible and somewhat freewheeling nature. These personalities can enjoy and connect with their partner through their adventurous spirit and have a sense of when to put the lid on their expectations and people-pleasing.
  • Porous: Campaigners may sometimes be too quick to give in to the whims and wishes of their partner. They may wish to please them or avoid making waves. Their own criteria for boundaries may change too often to communicate accurately and consistently to their partner what they will and will not allow in their lives.
  • Rigid: Campaigners have a complex balance between their need and want for independence and their sensitivity. Rigidity can look like extreme independence one moment and, paradoxically, a perfectionism designed to try to be all that they believe (rightly or wrongly) that their partner wants and needs them to be the next. Either one of these can take on an uncompromising flavor and leave the person they love outside of the decision-making.

Sentinel Personality Types

Logistician (ISTJ)

  • Healthy: Logisticians with healthy boundaries recognize how to protect their need for privacy and are assertive about this need. However, their need for being on their own is likely balanced with respect for their partner’s need to be aware of what is happening and their need to have the Logistician’s attention and presence. Logisticians’ healthy boundaries are flexible enough to enable them to realize when to stand firm and when to compromise in their interactions with their significant other.
  • Porous: The key phrase here is “unsolicited and unnecessary opinions.” Sometimes saying less is the most effective response in life, but Logisticians likely abandon that principle with porous boundaries. An old self-help phrase goes, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?” This saying may come in handy for Logisticians who are in relationships and are prone to porous boundaries.
  • Rigid: Logisticians may be one of the personality types most susceptible to rigid boundaries. Their Introverted, Thinking, and Judging traits may make it hard for them to let others in or to let much of themselves out. A romantic partner may not feel welcome to make suggestions or express opinions in a relationship where the Logistician maintains strict boundaries.

Defender (ISFJ)

  • Healthy: Healthy boundaries for Defenders protect these personalities while also protecting the values and people important to them. Defenders with well-adjusted boundaries resist their tendency to be internal, and they promote the idea that each partner contributes to the decision-making and direction of the relationship. Values are also mutually explored with their partner. By the same token, when necessary, Defenders stand firm on their principled diligence for themselves as individuals, without necessarily demanding that their partner mimic them.
  • Porous: When Defender personalities are sold on something or someone outside of their relationship, they can become overly passionate and loyal. If their partner is not of the same mind, the Defender may vigorously defend the object of their fidelity, whether or not the defense is necessary. Such a defense can cause tension for no reason at all. For example: harping on a political candidate despite knowing that their partner isn’t a supporter.
  • Rigid: Defenders’ boundaries may become rigid when they try to make a partner with a different temperament align with their own. They’re not likely to do this in an aggressive or assertive manner, but they may telegraph their intolerance for anything other than their own style in a passive way. Whether Defender personalities discuss their expectations with their partner or not, those expectations will likely be present all the same.

Executive (ESTJ)

  • Healthy: For an Executive in love, healthy boundaries allow them to be honest with their partner while keeping an eye on their significant other’s feelings. Executive personality types will respect their partner’s independent thoughts and ideas. A healthy boundary would likely involve an Executive who is willing to compromise and consider their partner’s input.
  • Porous: Executives with porous boundaries require control over everything in their relationship. Every opinion comes without much thought about the opinions or needs of their partner. As a result, every expression may be something of an imperative, and it may appear as though they are trying to rob their significant other of their power.
  • Rigid: The rallying cry for Executives with rigid boundaries may be, “I’ve got this.” But such a declaration is more than an expression of confidence here. The assertion is more of a cry of exclusive control that might leave their partner with a sense of being irrelevant and underappreciated.

Consul (ESFJ)

  • Healthy: Consuls are the personality type most likely to seek a long-term commitment. A healthy boundary would be honoring Consuls’ need for stability with the person they love while not overwhelming that person with affection and attention. Despite their need for closeness, Consuls can remain individuals and allow the person they love the same latitude.
  • Porous: Consuls may have porous boundaries when everything becomes about the object of the Consul’s love, to the exclusion of their own wants and needs being met. Taken to the extreme, their boundaries may virtually disappear in a misguided attempt to nail down a permanent link with their partner.
  • Rigid: For Consuls, a rigid boundary may happen when their need for commitment becomes a need for control, and too much of their motivation involves making sure that they and their significant other remain together. They may try to glue their relationship together in a pressured and adamant way, rather than letting the relationship blossom of its own accord.

Explorer Personality Types

Virtuoso (ISTP)

  • Healthy: Healthy boundaries for Virtuosos who are part of a couple might involve standing firm in their need to focus on what matters to them. But Virtuoso personalities with clear boundaries can regulate their more self-indulgent impulses in favor of maintaining their commitment to their significant other. They are flexible enough not to leave their partner hanging alone too long while they pursue their own interests.
  • Porous: Porous boundaries for Virtuosos are likely expressed when their need to break their boredom gets the best of them. Their own interests likely dictate their actions rather than a shared agreement with their partner.
  • Rigid: According to our research, Virtuosos are the least likely personality type to say they are used to caring for others to the extent that they forget about their own needs. Rigid, for Virtuosos, may mean solidifying their boundaries to take care of themselves to the exclusion of their significant other. Care, in a relationship with such boundaries, would be mostly self-care.

Adventurer (ISFP)

  • Healthy: Adventurers with healthy boundaries in a relationship can hold their own with decisions and conflicts. Boundaries defining their wants and needs dictate their autonomy during such interactions, and their self-doubts are contained enough to not be the determining factor. Still, they would be free to explore any sensitivities that they have with their partner without allowing their fears to become the central topic of all discussions.
  • Porous: As we telegraphed in the healthy boundaries section, Adventurers with more porous boundaries tend to leak any self-esteem issues into too many aspects of their time with their partner. Being honest about self-doubt is important, but when such discussions become unrelenting, they can potentially take over and replace other wholesome interactions.
  • Rigid: Rigid boundaries might let Adventurers’ sensitivities rule to the extent that these personalities become afraid to be honest with their partner. Adventurers are more likely to shut down and not share with such boundaries, leaving their significant other wondering about many aspects of the Adventurer’s experience.

Entrepreneur (ESTP)

  • Healthy: Entrepreneur personality types perceive themselves as bold risk-takers. When they have healthy boundaries in a romantic relationship, they can exercise their need to step out and try new things. But they also balance that need against the needs of their partner. They are open to their loved one sharing their excitement but don’t demand that they do so. These Entrepreneurs preserve their relationship as one of the highest priorities among their cavalcade of constant change.
  • Porous: In our research, Entrepreneurs report feeling impulsive and having a low tolerance for boredom more than any other personality type. Porous boundaries for them might be when they can’t contain those qualities and, as a result, push for things to be more novel and spontaneous, even when their partner (and life) may require something more routine and stable.
  • Rigid: Entrepreneurs are often consumed by the bold, new, and exciting. Being so locked into these shiny objects, they may project the importance of these things to their partner in some form of, “This is what counts to me. So it’s my way or the highway.” This, of course, leaves their partner on the outside looking in, with no sense of power in the relationship.

Entertainer (ESFP)

  • Healthy: Entertainers typically view themselves as generous. For example, they are the personality type least likely to say they dislike lending things to others. Healthy boundaries for them in a relationship may involve balancing that self-concept against their own needs. Entertainers with well-adjusted boundaries will express their giving nature toward their partner without falling into the trap of people-pleasing.
  • Porous: The key phrase for Entertainers with porous boundaries may be “people-pleasing.” They may feel that their identity and worth are connected to what they can give others. Their boundaries may not contain ample self-interest. While that may sound noble, a romantic relationship is more promising when both individuals get enough of their needs met.
  • Rigid: Is there such a thing as stubbornly giving too much? Perhaps for Entertainer personalities, a rigid boundary does not allow their partner to be the magnanimous one often enough. This may be especially true if the Entertainer holds on to a self-concept and sense of worth that says that they are the one who brings all the gifts and good times.

Opening and Closing the Gates

“Don’t go changing,
To try and please me,
You never let me down before…”

BILLY JOEL, “JUST THE WAY YOU ARE”

The value of healthy boundaries is not so much about keeping people out of one’s life – especially if it’s the person who has become closer to you than any other. That thinking is the negative, rigid approach. It’s more about preserving the individuality that each person brings to the relationship to begin with. It’s continuing to cherish the unique characteristics, both large and small, and the sensibilities that caused the sparks to fly when each partner finally realized that they were in love.

A boundary is when one partner insists on keeping some area of their life as something that they own and that defines them. Loving that which defines the other is the romantic part.

Letting someone be who they are in a love relationship is probably among the most generous acts that can be gifted to a romantic partner.

Further Reading