Any two personality types may find romantic bliss together, as millions of couples prove every day – there’s more to compatibility than personality traits. But some couples might seem slightly odd when viewed purely in terms of personality mechanics. I thought it might be interesting to consider a few such examples, including how they might make things work (because they can and do, in real life).
Fun fact: When my coworkers learned my partner’s personality type, they jokingly offered to chip in for couples counseling. We have nearly opposite personality types, yet we have an awesome relationship. How? Find out below – I put our types on this list.
To be clear, I’m not saying these are bad personality type combinations in any way, and they each have solid potential compatibility. Yet they stand out as having some, um, interesting contrast in at least one area. (If you want to learn more about how your personality meshes with your partner’s, check out our Intertype Test.)
Entrepreneur (ESTP) + Defender (ISFJ)
Rule-Breaking and Structure-Loving
Entrepreneurs have a flexible take on rules (as in, they’re usually happy to ignore them). They see little point in making something sacred when it can be restructured to their benefit – and that’s everything, all the time. They’re adaptable, durable, and have little trouble setting emotions aside when pursuing a goal. If there were ever a type to say, “Nothing personal, it’s just business,” it’s Entrepreneurs.
Defenders, on the other hand, tend to make everything personal. The way they integrate their emotions into their actions means that harmony is a goal tied to all others – if things are chaotic or adversarial, they feel it. Consequently, these personalities deeply value structure and consensus, investing themselves in heartfelt rules and being reluctant to deviate from them – even when it may be helpful. Inconsistency makes them uneasy, at the very least.
How It Can Work
For this couple, romantic happiness may be all about shared goals. They might not be fully comfortable with each other’s approaches, but when they both feel the rewards of their actions, it may not matter much. An Entrepreneur may tussle deviously with brokers and bankers to negotiate a great loan on a new home, and a Defender may build stable, warm connections with the neighbors once they move in. Their shared daily life might require some compromise, but simply being on the same team can make it possible.
Mediator (INFP) + Logistician (ISTJ)
Eager Heart and Detached Mind
Mediators have a deep need for emotional connection with others. These personalities want to feel valued, like anyone, but more than most, they thrive on the sense that thoughts and feelings are flowing freely between them and the one they love. Any indication of mental or emotional reluctance from a partner can make them concerned.
In contrast, Logisticians tend to be reserved with their feelings or, at least, relatively muted in their expression. Their version of openheartedness may seem pretty matter-of-fact – and they don’t usually revel in emotionality. They’re perfectly capable of sincere love without fireworks, and they’re often happy to bond with someone yet maintain their mental sovereignty and privacy.
How It Can Work
When open, honest communication flourishes, feelings don’t seem as hidden or restrained – whether they’re expressed vibrantly or not. It may take a little time to understand each other’s way of showing love, but as this couple comes to recognize each other’s needs, it’s easier to give what’s needed. Logisticians are slower than most to grant trust and emotional intimacy, but that can make a growing connection more meaningful to Mediators, even if it requires some patience.
Architect (INTJ) + Adventurer (ISFP)
Comprehensive Planning and Whimsical Spontaneity
(This is me and my partner, BTW.)
Architects don’t just plan, they create a multidimensional scenario in advance – which is to say, in their minds. How closely that vision matches unfolding reality can have a powerful effect on everything from their enjoyment to their self-esteem. These personalities pride themselves on accurate insights, and when something doesn’t turn out as they thought it would (or should), they may see that result as more negative than it is.
But Adventurers, as inspired as their imaginations can be, live much more in the moment. They can draw satisfaction and excitement from experiencing things however they happen, rarely feeling much need for detailed, advance planning – or for steering events to exactly match their preconceptions. Instead, they act on ideas and desires as they occur, even if that means suddenly following an unexpected direction.
How It Can Work
Fun itself can keep these two happy together, despite their differences – if they are willing to recognize it. One partner may be wary of chasing the unexpected, and the other may feel restricted by intense deliberation, yet these approaches are merely precursors to experiencing an actual event. If the end thing itself is fun, regardless of how it comes about, both personality types can allow that to erase their prior misgivings – and rewrite future ones. The intrinsic enjoyability of experiences counts most, and sharing in them can bring mutual fulfillment.
Campaigner (ENFP) + Commander (ENTJ)
Shifting Passions and Ironclad Determination
No personality type is more mercurial than Campaigners. They are founts of inspiration, passion, and energy, but their direction and attention can be relatively inconsistent. A chaotic lifestyle can work quite well for them when mixed with a dose of good sense and maturity, providing unending excitement, new experiences, and few barriers. But that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
Commanders believe strongly in pursuing goals to completion and tend to see maintaining consistency as an affirmation of worth – if something’s good, you stick with it. They value dedication, because for them, it feels like the most effective way to accomplish what they want and need in life. Linearity helps them see things clearly, including future potentials – which in turn helps them focus their actions.
How It Can Work
The one thing that both of these personality types cannot help but appreciate (and desire) is excellent results. In a romantic relationship, they can impress each other with their bold accomplishments, even though they take very different approaches. That mutual admiration may be just as big a factor in a lasting, fulfilling romance as anything else. Passion fades, but admiration can mature into an enduring, shared respect that keeps love strong.
Virtuoso (ISTP) + Advocate (INFJ)
Personal Independence and Sincere Interconnectedness
Virtuosos tend to go their own way, relatively unconcerned with any outside constraints or opinions. They may pick up an idea or a practice, try it out, and discard it according to their own views, experiences, and desires – they don’t want to feel as if their choices depend on anyone else. For this personality type, feeling free is often linked to autonomy.
Advocates value self-determination very highly, and perhaps because of that, they often see sharing choices as a form of regard or even an expression of love. For them, the idea that two people can align their minds and hearts is an attractive ideal. Just as feeling similarly may make them feel more connected to someone, they may interpret that person’s assertion of independence as a barrier to connection.
How It Can Work
Common ground is an important thing in a romantic relationship, but it can take many forms. Enjoying basic togetherness can be enough: cuddling, watching TV, etc. When one partner wants to tread their own path with, for example, a personal hobby, it’s not necessary for the other to be involved – even if they’d like to be. In truth, both of these Introverted personality types probably benefit from some independence, and getting comfortable with that can be part of a trusting, loving connection.
Final Thoughts
The above are just a few potential personality clashes, but what romantic pairing doesn’t have its challenges? It’s unrealistic (maybe even unhealthy) to expect constant harmony and happiness, even when two people are a wonderful overall match. What fascinates me is seeing how couples handle how their personalities combine.
I think the many ways that couples write their own personal story, including navigating difficulties, is inspiring and informative. Millions of people learning and growing together uniquely provides an incredible knowledge base that we can all benefit from – if we share. So I invite you to! Tell us about your personality trait clashes with a partner, and how you handle them – good or bad (we won’t judge) – in the comments below.
Further Reading
- Introvert-Extravert Relationships: Can They Work?
- DIY Drama: Couples with Different Personality Types May Clash over Home Improvement Projects
- Which Personality Type Is Your Ideal Partner?
- Check out our Tools & Assessments for Relationships.
- Use our Connections feature to meet other people with personality traits, life experiences, and interests that are relevant to yours.