INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

3 years ago
After reading this, my entire "love" life makes so much sense. I'm 22 and have never had a serious relationship. I hate dating and all of its little "Dos and Donts" rules and I've scared away plenty of guys with my honesty. Because I don't have time for silly games.
2 years ago
Same here..... and that point about honest is right on the nail. If I am asking whetehr this dress looks good on me, its fine if you say no, otherwise why would I ask and I do the same for others and I hate beating around the bush with stupid formalities and many people get offended by it
2 years ago
Hi Liz Don't worry. I'm a 45 y.o. INTJ female and I've been with my partner for about 17 years. There are brave, honest, un-needy blokes out there. You just have to not bother looking. Not sure if this has anything to do with my scenario, but I was friends with him for a couple of years first and I asked him out because I had that chance to see he was different and actually respected women, too. I know cool people in general are hard to find (our version of cool, that is), but you just have to relax and not worry too much. Perhaps stop having relationships and see what happens. That's another thing I did - I actually thought I would just be single my whole life and then I noticed this guy under my very nose who I was actually compatible with. It takes time and 22 is a drop in the bucket of life. Hell, I'm only middle aged, so plenty of time for you to go through life and learn lots of interesting things. Good luck :-)
3 years ago
that is the so true i have just turned 16 and i have been lost for a while trying to figure out who i a'm and what i will grow up and and like and the challenges that i will have a head with the way i am and the personallity i will have and have to embrace and master so that i'm the best at what i do
Anonymous Musician
3 years ago
Odd. I DO sometimes find myself drawn to the extraverted and feeling types, but truly I love the ISTJ personality. They are enough like me to speak with them and not feel like blowing my brains out, but still have different points of view. Anyone else, or am I just crazy?
3 years ago
Thank you for the summary. This has been helpful in reflecting on my own dating history. Almost every girlfriend I've had started with me not really doing much except being myself and not chasing them. That makes it hard to meet anyone new, but patience helps.
That Man
3 years ago
Huh... So that explains the last few relationships.
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