INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

3 years ago
I am so happy I found this! Everyone thinks I am a huge contradiction to myself, but ha ha! You're wrong.
3 years ago
I see the world as a giant machine; each person, living creature or inanimate object is a small machine inside the big machine. Every sphere of the human existence is another smaller machine that keeps the whole thing working. So if one of those machines break, even if the universe doesn't lose its balance, there will eventually be consequences for surrounding machines. I find satisfaction in finding out how they work, including the emotional side of people which I often had trouble understanding in the past.
jewles montgomery
3 years ago
I am an intj and I find that I have a hard time connecting with others. I read all your comments and I truly felt that I could relate. I just can't seem to fit with the molds that society asks of me. The way I see it, the world has gotten bland and uncreative. But knowing I guess that there are people out there that are like me is pretty awesome
3 years ago
I find this very true... im a female INTJ and once compared two potential suitors who I liked equally at the time using a series of graphs from data collected based on their good and bad qualities/habits... I was going to write up a report but I couldnt find the time.... So when I read the first sentence I laughed a bit too hard... But hey, it worked. Im dating an amazing, mature guy and we're very happy
3 years ago
I think that's a really smart thing to do. After all, you wouldn't want to end up in a bad relationship.
3 years ago
Honestly, finding out that there are others out there like me has been really comforting. Especially on the romantic side of things. I'm not sure about other INTJs but, romance has just never really interested me. I think it sounds good in theory but when push comes to shove, not so much. Perhaps it's because I've yet to find the ideal partner but finding someone who can put up with my personality while accepting that I'm a demiromantic asexual is a tall order. Basically, I'm limited to other analysts and there aren't many of them around.
3 years ago
Funny. I'm an INFJ male who became very attached to an INTJ female who sounds just like you. The way we click is insane (we've been seeing each other for six months), and she agrees to that, but she's not interested in a romantic relationship. We see each other like once a week and can talk for hours, share the same interests and values, so she's basically the perfect woman for me. Of course I miss the romance, but the depth of our conversations and the quality of our time together almost makes me forget that. My friends say I'm not nuts and bound to get hurt in a big way. Perhaps. It's just that I value what we have with her more than any romantic relationship I've had in the past
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