INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

BlacktailedPD
2 years ago
This is so true to the point that some of it hurts (T_T), like " Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved " Arghhhhhh, I've always done that so much it's become habit. (T_T)
daphne3631
2 years ago
I can relate to all the comments above... especially the line someone wrote that they have very high standards for a partner, and I know I am not the best either but still. Just like the article said, INTJ have a perfect world in their head and that person should fit into that otherwise Its a no. and I just hate it when people can't unerstand that the reason why we don't have many friends or girlfriends/boyfriends is simply because we don't find anyone we can connect ith easily. They are all "you must be gay" Thats all they can think of
Eh
3 years ago
I just read this.... It's pretty accurate I just confessed that I wanted to be in a relationship with someone. I was never really going to do it but since my friend kinda shoved me into an awkward situation in which I had to talk about this. I expected this person to be extremely open and say something like "I feel the same way!" But NO... "Hang on let me make a graph" was the response I got. I was labeled "commander cuddles" right bellow "BFF4EVAR" well, ok uhh idk how to respond to this... Lol
Try to understand INTJ
3 years ago
Anyone with INTJ personality can help me to explain? My ex and I were together for 2.5 years, and we're on the process to prepare for partnership visa for me to move over to be with him (we’re in long distance relationship). In Mar – May, we traveled together in Asia. Like every normal couple, we had some arguments but we always fixed the issues on the same day at the end. In August, I visited him in his home country; no arguments or anything; he even arranged a big welcome party for me on the 2nd weekend while I was there and even took me to his parents’ 40 anniversary party before I came home. On the second day I came back to my home country, he broke up with me by skype and said he already knew he did not want to be with me on the first week while I was at his house. He said we can't be together because I am too outgoing and he can't forget about our arguments during our Asia trip Mar - May. He then sent me this personality report asking me to understand him more (Introverted: 10%, Intuitive: 12%, Thinking: 33%, Judging: 26%, Assertive: 32%). I read the info here, and I still don't understand him. Because I found out I am pregnant after he ended our relationship. He said he doesn't wanna be with me, so he will not let me move to his home country. He said I will be the only one raising the child; however, he would like to take some responsibility which is child support. When we started talking about child support issue, skype got disconnected, I tried calling him back but he never answered me again. Since October 8, no calls, no reply, no messages from him. Is this normal for INTJ male? I don’t expect anything from him anymore (not even child support); however, I am shocked how come someone I love 2.5 years would changed to be a total stranger to me and even his own child?
phil the man
2 years ago
i cant explain everything, each man is their own. it could be various things. it could be his family who told him to stop dating you, you could have not picked up certain signals from him or maybe he didnt send any and just kept his feelings hidden. when he doesnt respond at all its either because he's being a total dickface or something else. if what i wrote about his family was true then it could be because he is so heartbroken that he has to create distance to you. i dont know, neither will you before he tells you. bottom line: i think you should try to let him go and forgive him - not for him but for your own sake.
Anonymous
2 years ago
Things as a long distance relationship because of the distance. To write, email, text, skype, or call give people the chance to test the waters without having to worry about stepping forward and drowning, forced into a situation. Those who are used to being physically alone treat that space as something precious, something they need. To share ones time with another for long term would have to share an understanding of personal space and hobbies/preferences. Also with long distant relationship it's harder to judge a person well enough to see if they are even compatible, for example I would not be able to be with someone who didn't have similar interests with an ever growing personal opinion that is not identical to mine. Similar yet different, not polar opposites. We like to think that others think like us, to overanalize can be even worse than not having a sense of foresight sometimes. All the plans, calls, skype-ing etc... can be seen as an attempt to waist time or to take advantage of the situation, being used to solitude, removed themself. It's a waiting game, most people aren't used to having to wait, but those who are comfortable where they are have no need to be impatient. When something is our responsibility we feel obligated to get the proper result. Chances are if this child is their first it's easier to remove himself from the situation to a 'safer' environment till he is able to properly respound and if that happens he may only respond to the child.
daphne3631
2 years ago
Its not a personality type fault. Thats the kind of person he is and they are everywhere in every personality type. Stop being so hard on yourself and stop thinking that all this was your fault. Being an INTJ myself, I would have never left you without any answers, and given the overthinking nature of INTJs, I would have definitely called you. I cannot live for a day when anyone even snaps at me. I don;t think, being an INTJ I would have been OK with such an important situation
Jake S
2 years ago
Wow, as an INTJ myself (and a male) this is utterly shocking. I personally think he was trying to use his personality type as an excuse to end the relationship. There's this quote from this site here that says "INTJs are uniquely capable of committing to a long-term project, especially one as meaningful as parenthood, with all the intellectual vigor they can muster". So from my personal feelings as an INTJ, parenthood is one situation that I feel should be equal participation of both father and mother. I think in this case his "Emotional Shield" is preventing him from being an active member in your relationship. The best way I can describe it is like this: think of his mind as a giant spider web. And think of anything that becomes a memory, sticking to it. Now think of your arguments -- even minor resolved ones, still being stuck there. He was being honest that he can't forget them, but in his case he needs to work on letting go; a task most INTJs struggle with. For him to hold you to the standard of throwing a personality type in your face and expecting you to understand however, is ridiculous. It's the same thing as handing him a book in -insert foreign language here- that he doesn't know and expecting him to understand it all. I'm not sure if this was quite the answer you were looking for, but I hope it helps. -Jake
Try to understand INTJ
2 years ago
Hi Jake, thank you for your comment. I do get your point, and I also agree with you that it's ridiculous how he's using INTJ personality type to end our relationship. It's just really sad to know someone I loved 2.5 years is actually a coward, cheater and irresponsible father. I found out he cheated on me during his solo travel in Saigon in early January this year, I was very mad but I also loved him very much; I chose forgiving him after his begging. He said he couldn't forget about the arguments we had during our Asia trip, but he actually didn't tell his parents and friends the truth is 50% of our arguments are coming from his cheating. Honestly, I can forgive whatever he did to me, but I still can't believe he chooses to be an irresponsible father.
Try to understand INTJ
2 years ago
Your answer sounds very like my ex. Talking about personal space, hobbies, preferences and how he reacts on child's situation.
David
3 years ago
Wow! Really true!
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