INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

Kay
2 years ago
Guys, Gals there's hope! I am also an INTJ who has had a difficult time finding a mate. I have had two long-lasting relationships but I am still single. However, I feel better now that I understand my weaknesses better and work to become a little more extroverted and show my feelings more. That has always been my ex's issues with me, I don't show affection easily, nor feel comfortable talking about my feelings for others...oh, well,it's refreshing to hear we are all on the same boat
Chris O.
2 years ago
Love this stuff. Recently... Well 8 months ago I started attempting the online dating bit. I really don't think that is the forum for the INTJ. I seriously get no response and blocked by more than 80% of all *incredibly* *interesting* email recipients. I'll get the occasional "hi, how r you doing?" (lower caps intended, that is important to me to note that). My response never seems to go over well. Maybe just a "gud, totally. how're u? stuff sure is cool, right?"
Suz
2 years ago
I surprisingly found a mate that can handle my personality. INFJ. Love him to pieces.
ENFP_Guy
2 years ago
Hi, Guys. ENFP here. I am coming to you guys to ask you advice on something relating to people like you, namely one specific person. I figured, “who better to ask than the type of person I’m trying to deal with?” Hopefully you all can help me out with this. It’s gonna be a long one. For the past 3 years of my life, there’s this girl I’ve known, and she’s been my best friend for a long time now. For the past year and a half or so, I’ve been head over heels in love with her and I can’t do much to stop at this point. I love everything that she has to offer to me. She grounds me with her logic, makes me realize when my emotions are out of control, and just allows me to realize everything I’m not. The INTJ personality just kinda clicks with my kind of personality for some reason. I really do appreciate her worlds more than she might realize, and I’ve really come to the conclusion that she’s everything I really need in life. I have a problem reconciling a few things with her however; there are just some things about her that really throw me off. She is rarely ever emotional with me. Maybe it’s because they’re just underdeveloped. But I believe that there’s a time to be logical and there’s a time to be emotional, but I guess she doesn’t click well with emotions. I love her guys, I really do. But there’s just moments where I can’t stand how emotionally dense she can be with me. I don’t know how to get through to her emotional side at all; I know it’s there, it’s just untapped. She’s really aloof in that aspect around me, and if it’s there she just doesn’t let it shine through. We’re still best friends, without a doubt, and we may even end up going to university together (out of coincidence), but I feel like I really need a break from all the poisoning, toxic logic. I know it’s important sometimes but without any emotional support, I’ll go insane. I feel like I have a lot to offer her too, as an ENFP. I’m everything that she really needs in life and a romantic relationship, but I don’t know if she quite sees that. It could be a lack of maturity from both ends; we’re just kids after all. Honestly, if she knew I was doing this, she'd probably be extremely put off and complain that I was getting emotional over nothing or something. The problem is, I can’t get her out of my head. I really need to know if you guys know a way to get inside INTJ’s emotionally and to help them to see eye-to-eye. When I say I’m in love with this girl, I mean in love. I just feel like a lot of her personality is getting in the way of us being able to connect on that level. I have a lot more to say but I figure I’ll talk more in the comments.
Anonymous
2 years ago
HI there! I totally understand your frustration because sometimes it's extremely hard for me even to be not only friends but on a romantic relationship with an INTJ even though I'm an INTJ. It's even harder to gain trust and respect from a INTJ girl than a guy. There are more possibilities of ways that a guy could take advantage of you (not necessarily that you should be one to not be trusted) but the greatest thing you can do to unarm her of all of her filters is to be completely honest with her of how you feel. Don't be totally overly emotional with her but say it in a logical way. Before you say this though, gain her trust and respect. Don't demand it! Respect her spirit, body, and mind! I repeat that, respect her spirit, body, and mind! If you don't, then she will dump you! If you have humor, use it! Don't be too aggressive either! It takes time and respect to make this relationship work!
Anonymous
2 years ago
I am a female INTJ personality type. 1. Set up a time to have a conversation with her 2. Explain your feelings her 3. Explain why you both would compliment each other well 4. Tell her your needs 5. Present a solution to the problem 6. Say something that solidifies the conversation. Try and be solution based. Its the best approach. Its the only way I can connect with people emotionally. Hope that is helpful sweetie ^_^
jojo
2 years ago
My boyfriend is loving, caring and sweet when I am with him but when I am not he often ignores me, always waits for me to arrange dates first, often during a friendly text conversation will cut off dead with no explanation, no nite nite or anything then act as though nothing has happened in the morning. He wants compliments but never gives them out, please help me understand. I have trust issues anyway and his behaviour always leads me to think he is either a very unkind person or he is doing things behind my back. I want to give him a chance but it is making me so miserable?
Thomas A.W.
2 years ago
Tell him, at first. He might not understand or notice his failings in his generousity.
Chris O.
2 years ago
Uhhh... Been accused of this many times myself. Quite simply I am totally unaware that I am supposed to do those things. Best actions: -Tell him you need those things, the nite-nites, compliments, etc. When he acts like nothing happened it is because literally nothing happened, therefore nothing to talk about. -When he doesn't respond to your texts etc, he is doing "other stuff", therefore "other stuff" is the priority. If he is working then work is the priority. When he is with you, you are the priority. -Relationships and feelings are foreign territory for us INTJ's. We literally have no idea what we are supposed to do at any given time. Treat him like a virgin and tell him what to do in straight forward terms. He'll appreciate that immensely. And so will you! -He's not interested in making you feel miserable.
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