INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

Manoihara
5 years ago
Wait...now I'm a bit confused. I confirm myself with the INTJ personality description, and yes, I do a lot of thinking and questioning all things that against logic. But, to the matters of relationship and dating, I KNOW that relationship is not necessarily be over think(ed). It (our logical thinking process, which we did ourselves and pushing others) straining us and alienated the interaction between to become more common and normal. And I think I instinctively holding my reason to get angry or emotional sometimes. I then, getting the thought that; is 'this' (way of stop using my thought-processing every time I don't think it's work,) is a FACT that I'm not an INTJ person ? Or at least, made some chances that I am actually another type of personality that were accidentally mistaken just because a feeling of "this is me" though it's not really true ? Help, is much appreciaa~ted!!
Oscar
5 years ago
this is freaking me out - every online test I've done indicates that I'm an INTJ male and everything I've read here is a like a mirror being held up to me. I've been married 23 years, and spent about about 5 of those years NOT in relationship counselling. We have 4 kids (3 adult kids) - of which there is only one I can relate to - because he shows INTJ traits as well (My wife says that when I leave for work in the morning that my 'spirit' doesn't leave the house until Boy no.2 does). Life is not easy - and we're always on the cusp of marriage breakup. It's not good for the children. The only way I can see a marriage with an INTJ guy holding together is if the INTJ pursues the marriage as an academic pursuit - and as long as his spouse doesn't mind that sometimes he will fall and is always very intense, passionately or otherwise.
Rion
5 years ago
Wow!! Reading everyone's comments has floored me. I was thinking I was alone in this world and something was wrong with me because I always read to other people as "Strong and Decisive". I've been divorced for over 21 years now and reading this, now understand why! I need to find the ENFP, ENTP or INFJ that will complement who I am as an INTJ. This has really opened my eyes to how I approach my romantic life...meaning I won't do another thing.
Dan
5 years ago
Thanx! the point is perfect Berry! you're absolutely right, i was using it as a shield to justify myself. it says my mates are ENFP and ENTP. i tried and contacted them, turns out i can't tolerate Extroverted ppl. the i slightly changed the face of it and made it INFP and INTP,. the result was far better, but as i said before i can still see gapes in it so i still wanna insist on finding an other INTJ as i think of the relation as an investment! Yes, true! having an INTJ friend is fabulous. i have been fortunate enough to have this guy on my side. we have known each other since high school and yet we never have doubted each others wisdom. he confirms and agrees with every thing i say and the way i think. he is the only one who understands and doesn't take me for a crack.fo years i didn't know his personality type until recently when i asked him to take the test. having experienced this friendship i reach to the conclusion that IF i find my INTJ female mate, i will have my flawless dream relationship. but how to find her........
Berry
5 years ago
Social activities in general (particularly romantic) have always been my Achilles' Heel, as this fantastic site calls it. Because I am a girl, the only way I can relate to other girls is on their level- which is miles below mine. It leaves me drained, caustic and occasionally I question myself- what's wrong with ME? At my stage in life that's a rather detrimental hit to my self-esteem, socially and otherwise. May I say though, I've come across one INTJ who is like a breath of fresh air- a soul that is blunt, logical, incredibly and satisfyingly deep (talking to him is like eating chocolate) and challenging. If everyone I talked to was like him, I might just become an extrovert! :o He reminds me there is hope for humanity and myself. However, I'm related to him. Whenever I think about it, my dream guy would be an INTJ but I don't believe I'll ever find one, much less have a working relationship. Leaving me lonely, but hey, that's what books are for. So to you fellow INTJs out there- stay strong, be mindful of our weaknesses, don't try to use 'Oh, I'm not good with people' as an excuse socially, and: Never. Stop. Growing. You've found out who you are to improve and understand yourself and others- not as a shield to hide behind.
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