“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”
People with the INTJ personality type (Architects) approach romance the way they do most challenges: strategically, with clear goals and a plan for achieving them. In a purely rational world, this approach would be foolproof, but matters of love are rarely rational. Consequently, they are at risk of overlooking or misinterpreting the unpredictability of human nature and affection.
For these personalities, finding a compatible partner can be a particular challenge. Being innately logical, INTJs seek not just companionship but also intellectual stimulation from their partner – an uncommon quest offering its own unique rewards and challenges. Moreover, they are rarely satisfied. They can’t help but imagine how the world could be better than it already is – and they often bring this same mindset to the realm of love. Unfortunately, if they apply a relentlessly critical eye to every potential partner, people with the INTJ personality type may find themselves constantly dissatisfied.
The Woes of Dating
INTJs value depth, intelligence, and unmitigated honesty. For them, a relationship that isn’t founded on these values simply isn’t worth pursuing. They would much rather stay single than force a false connection just for the sake of being with someone. It might not come as a surprise, then, that the unspoken rules and social niceties of the dating world can seem useless or even insulting to these personalities.
The good news is that INTJs’ honesty and refusal to play games can be a breath of fresh air when it comes to dating. The bad news? Many romantic conventions exist for a reason – often because they make people feel comfortable or special or intrigued. And when people with this personality type refuse to play along, they may find dating difficult, if not impossible.
As they mature and gain experience, many people with the INTJ personality type eventually come to understand the purpose of romantic rituals. Until that point, however, they may decide that dating is too irrational or beneath them. Some INTJs might claim to be above the “silliness” of dating in an effort to demonstrate their intellectual superiority. Obviously, this mindset is unlikely to help these personalities find or connect with a partner.
Sometimes the best strategy for someone with this personality type is to focus on what they enjoy rather than struggle against the rules of dating. INTJs are often most attractive when they aren’t caught up in trying to be something they are not. Just doing what they do best – pursuing the interests that light them up – can help them connect with like-minded people and find a potential partner.
The INTJ personality type isn’t known for conventional shows of romance, such as sending flowers or writing mushy notes. Most people with this type spend more time thinking about love than expressing it. But when they believe that a relationship has potential, INTJs are more than capable of giving it their all, even if that takes them out of their comfort zone.
And a healthy, long-term relationship is pretty much guaranteed to take these personalities out of their comfort zone at some point. In particular, emotions can feel like a second language. When their partner shares strong feelings, INTJs often default to shutting down or to analyzing the situation rather than simply listening and offering support. And when it’s time for them to share the inner workings of their own heart, INTJs may feel uncomfortable and exposed. For these personalities, becoming comfortable with their partner’s emotions – and their own – can take more than a little practice.
Love is rarely easy, but it’s a challenge that can help people with the INTJ personality type grow. Through their relationships, they can learn to focus on the present, get in touch with their emotions, remain involved with other people, and stay open to things that they’re not used to. For a personality type so intent on self-development, these opportunities can make love even more satisfying.