INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

Amir Fitri
3 years ago
As an INTJ male, what I'm looking for in a relationship is "does it work"? As a person whose weakness is women (kinda funny when you think about it, actually), this takes it to a whole different level, as I won't gives my effort and "what is left of my emotions" for a relationship that can never work. A simple solution for me, is to choose someone, and stick with her. Yes, relationship is a headache, but for you INTJs out there, it is good to actually have someone who will stick with you at all times, since we are "socially low maintenance" type of person. And it does give you the puzzle that you need, figuring them day by day, ensuring that you're not bored. As INTJ tend to be lone wolves, a life partner is the most reliable person to turn into when you need help. So choose wisely. And beware; while it is a headache to find a partner, it is harder to maintain the relationship. What us INTJs need to be prepared is to tell that they need to be straightforward, as well as (hatefully) prepare for actions without reasonable explanations. The fastest and easiest way (for us INTJs) is to change the topic, or if needed, tell them to end it. For INTJ women though, don't be afraid if you're single. People just can't achieve what we're thinking, we're just too advanced. :-p (seriously though, if you're desperate, it's better to find someone who can accept who you are; these people usually have good genes that your offspring(s) can inherit, as well as giving you the independencies that you need.)
Anonymous
3 years ago
trust me bro, you and those women are 00 away from advanced, i would say they are advanced long way down the track of NOT being advanced, so it takes tons and tons more repair work.
N
3 years ago
I wouldn't say that we are "just too advanced". We look at the world in a different way, but it's not necessarily a better way. I've also never had trouble maintaining a relationship. I've only had difficulty finding partners that I really like.
Liz
3 years ago
Dating does suck for the intj woman (thank god a I am married now--I never want to go back to being single). Too bad arranged marriages aren't acceptable in the US.
Anonymous
3 years ago
You are saying you would prefer to have an arranged marriage than marry someone of your choice? Just because you found dating dificult? Try not to take it personally, but I find that quite pathetic and irrational.
S.K
3 years ago
Dating does suck for us (i'm still single but i have my hopes) !! And relationships r too freaking complicated cuz i do rly spend a lot of time analyzing !
Amir Fitri
3 years ago
Well, in an arranged marriage, on the pro side, the partner is 'given' to you; us INTJs have difficulties in finding a partner which is not a headache (which makes up 98% of the people in the world, more or less), and being given a soulmate is like given a puzzle, you just need to identify and solve them. and you have a lifetime to do so, and at your own pace. On the not so bright side, it relies on luck. If you happen to get someone who abuses you, you just wasted an amount of your life, time, and money to marry someone just to get a divorce 24 hours later. Though, it is also a challenge to makeover that said partner, which would be a guaranteed not-boring life.
LHS
3 years ago
My friends were horrified by the amount of one word answers and "sure"s I tended to use when texting interested parties, so now they insist on composing my texts for me. I have to admit, those texts get a much better response than the ones I wrote, but I don't get it. Why do I have to sound so excited in every text I send a guy? I mean, I'm responding, right? Isn't that enough?
Amir Fitri
3 years ago
To be honest, it doesn't have to be excited (though males would appreciate that). My advice (as an INTJ male) is that keeping distance is fine. If you're interested in someone, then you can show some effort, like little humor or little flirt. Just that you need to expect the person will not realize you like him until you tell him (though, i'm pretty sure that's the first thing you'll do).
Pike
3 years ago
I have the same problem, although it's more with my friends than it is with potential partners. Unless I can find something meaningful to say, I won't say anything at all. It leads to others thinking I'm anti-social, which they're half right about. But really, is it a bad thing to never use an exclamation point or tag "lol" to the back of a message?
N
3 years ago
My parents used to berate me whenever I said "sure", so I know exactly how you feel As an INTJ guy, I go out of my way to throw in compliments while texting to display interest. Otherwise, I would sound incredibly uninterested too.
Jackie
3 years ago
This has been so true for me. I went though most of my school years feeling like I could never attract a guy because they all just saw me as the "bookworm" or the "nerd" or the "pencil/twig" (I'm pretty thin) or the "girl to go to when you need help on any homework/classwork/projects". I never really socialized and guys never really paid attention to me at school. Sure, I had friends, both girls and guys, but never anything more than that. But all that changed near the end of my junior year. I had already given up on guys and had a small collection of friends that I was comfortable with and I trusted. But then, out of the blue, I met an awesome guy. He wasn't a jerk or an idiot like all the other guys at my -cough cough- ghetto school. He was smart, but not super nerdy, and funny, and really caring and kind, which complimented me nicely. It was surprisingly easy to talk to him that first day we met, I had never felt so open like that towards anyone before. We became reall close really fast, and two weeks after we met... he asked me out! He is (yep, present tense) my first boyfriend and we are so great together. It was all so unexpected and unreal, it fufilled all those fantasies you have about finding the perfect guy and falling in love with him and having him actually fall in love with you back. It's been almost four months for us and I'm still trying to fully convince myself that all this is really happening. So all of you INTJs out there reading the relationship section about yourself and thinking, "Oh my god I'm going to die alone with a thousand cats mummified in my grave around me", relax. There is someone really great out there who is just waiting to meet someone as smart and independant as you. The moment you stop thinking about it all and just let yourself shine is the moment you find the man/woman of your mile-high dreams.
Anonymous
3 years ago
I have that man tho i'm still questioning his "like" thing !
S L J
3 years ago
My problem with being in a relationship is finding the right woman to be with, which is a common problem; however, as the description reads, once my mind is made up that the relationship has absolutely no chance I'll end things. My issue is that the measures used to determine this are sometimes petty from the other person's perspective. I too am a Scorpio which based on some research I did, intensifies these behaviors slightly more. Either way, I'm quite proud of my INTJ personality. It's nice to know I belong to an elite group of fine individuals.
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