INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

3 years ago
I think religion is also a very important aspect that an INTJ must inevitably decided him/herself on. It's not something our personality type would just cop out or not have an answer to. Not to say that the answer is that important, but rather the means by which the said INTJ came to view religion.
3 years ago
I'm one of those rare INTJ women. It took me a long time to find my life partner (I was 32). He is perfect for me though. When I met him, our common friends thought I was a closet lesbian because I wasn't interested in any way in the other single men in our group. He was someone that I was able to trust and respect. Most importantly, unlike a number of men that wanted to date me, he was confident enough not be afraid of my intelligence. He is proud of everything I achieve and doesn't even mind when I score a little higher on IQ tests. I even told him last night that it's his confidence (not any percent arrogant) that drove me to him and has kept me with him. He is a strong, smart, loving guy that I can give everything to easily. He knows more than anyone, that I have nothing but tons of affection under this cold exterior (but also a Scorpio ;-) ). Please don't give up hope though. Some guys are worth it. But agree, it's better to be alone than with a-hole - even for a minute!!
3 years ago
Ha I always wonder if people think I'm a closet lesbian as well because I am rarely attracted to guys. At least enough to actually start a relationship with them. But when I am, I feel it very intensely because it doesn't happen often. I am in the in between state. I am not in a committed relationship yet and am getting a little impatient. I have found only one person in my life who has come close to keeping up with me, but being in a relationship is difficult for us right now for a number of reasons, many of which I find to be dumb because you know, I hate dating games and rules. If you want to be with someone just make it work right? But I recognize that for me, I can be more committed to a relationship because it's not as common for me as other people so I think that's where my intense loyalty comes in. I'm willing to make things work with someone who I click with because that's easier and less exhausting than dating a ton of people I don't care for. It's really hard because it's really lonely but it's nice to hear that it's worth it and that INTJs do find love it just takes a long time and a lot of patience and heartache at times. Losing love I think is a lot harder for INTJs since finding it is such a rare thing for us. Thanks for sharing!
3 years ago
I'm a ENFP, and yet I have the same problem. Might have to do with my whole "stand out from the crowd, I'm not about to compromise my values in any way to get you to like me" thing. People seem to find that a bit intimidating. I'm waiting till I find a guy who gets it, but I might be waiting a long freaking time...
3 years ago
It's interesting to learn why my love life has flatlined for so long. I spend so much time planning a relationship before I even start one, and end up missing all of my chances. I've turned down several women who have shown interest in me simply because I was fixated on getting something going with another woman. I've always considered myself invisible to the crowds at work and school, yet I always catch someone's attention. Since I am an introvert, who nobody really knows much about, I guess I attract people who are into the mysterious type. This leads to many onlookers who I would rather have nothing to do with, since I'm not very keen on spur of the moment decisions that they throw at me. Instead of asking for time to think, I get annoyed and walk off, usually without giving a clear answer. I act completely contradictory to the way I want to act, and end up selecting a few potential partners in the same way people select me: going in with no information, and hoping for the best. If only I could stop my mind from automatically choosing, and take time to examine my offers.
3 years ago
What I've found to be exceptionally interesting (and frustrating) are those rare occasions when someone has scored very high on that "per-determined criteria" checklist yet I still found myself ending or not pursuing a relationship. "This woman is perfect. Why aren't you interested in her?", I asked myself. I felt guilty in ending the relationship as I saw it as me making an irrational decision yet seemingly unable to do anything else. It was a needed wake-up call for me in realizing that my feeling side has more of an influence in my decision making process than I want to admit.
Blerd Lady
3 years ago
I have been reading about INTJs for a couple of years now but never really got into how we handle relationships and wow is this accurate... and depressing. I get tired of people fast. I have told guys that I don't need them to be whole. I have a fatal attraction to Es except only to see them turn into bitter disappointments (one guy was co-dependant and cried a lot. Hives!). It's also true that I am deeply emotional beneath my Spock like exterior. I hate small talk and I hate the getting to know you part of dating hence why I've ended up dating quite a few of my colleagues over the years. I miss clues of interest from guys unless they just come out and say that they like me. Heck, I landed here because I'm trying to figure out this whole mating thing LOL.
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