INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

3 years ago
What I've found to be exceptionally interesting (and frustrating) are those rare occasions when someone has scored very high on that "per-determined criteria" checklist yet I still found myself ending or not pursuing a relationship. "This woman is perfect. Why aren't you interested in her?", I asked myself. I felt guilty in ending the relationship as I saw it as me making an irrational decision yet seemingly unable to do anything else. It was a needed wake-up call for me in realizing that my feeling side has more of an influence in my decision making process than I want to admit.
Blerd Lady
3 years ago
I have been reading about INTJs for a couple of years now but never really got into how we handle relationships and wow is this accurate... and depressing. I get tired of people fast. I have told guys that I don't need them to be whole. I have a fatal attraction to Es except only to see them turn into bitter disappointments (one guy was co-dependant and cried a lot. Hives!). It's also true that I am deeply emotional beneath my Spock like exterior. I hate small talk and I hate the getting to know you part of dating hence why I've ended up dating quite a few of my colleagues over the years. I miss clues of interest from guys unless they just come out and say that they like me. Heck, I landed here because I'm trying to figure out this whole mating thing LOL.
3 years ago
I think our biggest goal in life is to conquer our arrogance... Accept the illogical and gain control over our analysis skills... So we can turn it on and more importantly off... Every person is a unique individual... That means by default they are amazing because there is only one... Relationships are our weakness yet many talk about it as our strength... The ultimate intj to me is one that can pull down the emotional firewall that houses our frail and sensitive hearts... So that potential partners can see how beautiful and caring and complex we really are.. And all the details and principles we understand only make us feel everything so much more than the rest... I understand most things I come across... But love, I feel it but cannot understand it... and for that I am truly terrified because deep down I know in its truest form it is the ultimate life achievement! My soul search continues... Back to the mirror I go!
3 years ago
I am an INTJ female and unfortunately I couldn't find anyone suitable to get married after many years!! It's really disappointing!!!
Laura Quinn
3 years ago
Extremely accurate. I have a strict set of moral values that i want my partner to adhere to, and i may give someone a chance, but until you have proven to me that i will approve of you I will be extremely put off by excessive touching/signs of affection. If i see that a person doesn't share my moral values, especially those most important to me: Smoking/drug use, i will be quick in my decision to cut off my relationship with you. Even if it's only been a few days, as this is when you want to give the BEST impression, and most excuses and "fixes" will most likely be a lie to not push me away.
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