INTJ Parents

Parenting, like so many other person-to-person relationships, is a significant challenge for INTJs. Being so heavily invested in rational thought, logic, and analyzing cause and effect, INTJs are often unprepared for dealing with someone who hasn’t developed these same abilities who they can’t simply walk away from. Luckily, INTJs are uniquely capable of committing to a long-term project, especially one as meaningful as parenthood, with all the intellectual vigor they can muster.

INTJ parents

I Hope Our Wisdom Will Grow With Our Power...

First and foremost, INTJ parents will likely never be able to deliver the sort of warmth and coddling that stereotypes say they should. INTJs are rational, perfectionistic, often insensitive, and certainly not prone to overt displays of physical affection – it will take a clear and conscious effort on their part to curb and adapt these qualities to their children’s needs, especially in the younger years. If they have an especially sensitive child, INTJs risk inadvertently trampling those sensitivities or coming across as cold and uncaring.

Even less sensitive children will need emotional support from time to time, especially as they approach adolescence – INTJs, even more so than other Analyst types, struggle to manage their own emotions in a healthy way, let alone others’. As a result, INTJs tend to avoid “unproductive” emotional support, instead taking a solutions-based approach to resolving issues. This is where INTJs are strongest – assessing a dilemma to find the underlying cause and developing a plan to solve the problem at its source.

INTJ parents don’t just tell their children what to do, though – they prompt them, make them use their own minds so they arrive at the same conclusions, or better ones still.

INTJs also recognize that life is often the best teacher, and they will tend to be fairly liberal, allowing their children to have their own adventures and make their own decisions, further developing these critical thinking skills. This isn’t to say that INTJs parents are lenient – far from it – rather, they expect their children to use their freedom responsibly, and often enough the weight of this expectation alone is enough to lay out understood ground rules. When they need to though, INTJ parents will communicate openly and honestly with their children, believing that knowing the truth is better than not knowing, or worse yet, simply being wrong.

...And Teach Us That the Less We Use Our Power, the Greater It Will Be

If their children are receptive to this approach, INTJ parents will find themselves respected and trusted. INTJs are excellent communicators when they want to be, and will frame problems as opportunities for personal growth, helping their children to establish their own brand of rational thinking and independent problem-solving skills to be applied to more and more complex situations as they grow, building their confidence as they make their own way. INTJs’ ultimate goal as a parent is to ensure that their children are prepared to deal with whatever life throws their way.

All this is the exertion of INTJs’ core philosophy of intelligent self-direction, and in this way they try to mold their children in their own image, working to create capable adults who can go on to use their own minds, solve their own problems, and help their own children in the same way when the time comes. INTJs understand that this can’t happen if they shield their children from every source of ill and harm, but believe that if they give their children the right tools, they won’t have to.

3 years ago
I am an INTJ parent, luckily for me, my children share many of the same traits as I do, so we get along well most of the time, I have had made more of a conscious effort to give the hugs and affection as they've gotten older, I make sure to hug them and tell them I love them before they leave or go back to college, whatever. I see mostly good, as they are very independent, think for themselves and are over achievers and strong willed. I didn't even read the romantic relationships section yet, because I know it's going to be negative lol.
4 years ago
I remember telling my mom (on more than one occasion) that my INTJ father should never have become a parent! Most of my life I didn't feel like my dad loved me (I am an ESFJ). I was and am sensitive and he and I do best now when we talk for 5 minutes or less. We rarely agree. It is hard. I've felt like he was emotionally clueless pretty much all of my life. I am 40 and he is 68.
4 years ago
My father's an INTJ, i'm INTP - classic INTP: a messy, lost in thought person that finds it difficult to actually make things happen, and how to deal with others. I fought a lot with my father until now, thinking he just didn't think about things enough. But I now understand how opposite is the situation. He thinks about it, but he prefers to stay on point, on strategy, and make things happen. We fit very well, we have a lot in common, and I respect him and learn from him. But never the most important thing he could offer me: how to make my ideas come reality, how to leave the world of intangibility. I feel lucky that I found this out while he's still around. I'll try to make my best and learning this, so I can make the best use of my ideas, and what goes around in my head. My mother is an ESFP, I'll try to learn from her too, and understand and respect people's feelings and how to not be insensitive. As far as it goes, I think I have a very good set of parents, and I could learn a lot from them.
4 years ago
Yes, I know they're annoying. Kids, Just tell your INTJ parents to leave you the heck alone. Lock the door if you have to.
4 years ago
I find it hilarious that any INTJs would become parents. I suppose, if you had the child when you were very young; because you would assume the child will be logical instead of irrational like pretty well everyone else you meet. And the mindless physicality of child rearing (nappies, cleaning up sick, wiping snotty noses, feeding a helpless little one etc) would completely put them off. From about the age of 7, I realised that having a child was not on the agenda for me because it made no sense. And things have to make sense to an INTJ, right?
Needa Sammich
4 years ago
Right! I'd love to know what personality type my father is, as I detected from the age of about four that he felt little to no attachment for me. I actually adopted the same attitude toward him and it wasn't until I knew I was INTJ that I understood this was more a deliberate than emotional response.
4 years ago
Man! I can so relate to what you wrote!! I wish I'd known before age 40 what personality type my dad was. All I knew was that he was really different from most other people.
4 years ago
I'm an INTJ parent. I had my oldest daughter at the age of 19. I think because I had her at a young age, she was able to tap into my nurturing side and I was willing and able to give it to her....and expand it for my 2nd daughter, who I had 10 years later. Because of this, my daughters are the only two people who experience my emotions. I was married for 9 months..and the one complaint I heard was I was able to show love and affection to my girls but could not show that to my ex. I thought it was because he was a jerk and I didn't want to waste my time showing love to someone that didn't deserve it..which is why I spent a lot of time analyzing why I married him in the first place. But after reading this article maybe there's some truth to what he said.
3 years ago
So not true. I've always adored my son and he knows it. He 's one of the few persons I can open up to emotionally. But it was a emotional struggle in the beginning.
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