INTJ Friends

People with the INTJ personality type tend to have more success in developing friendships than they do with romantic relationships, but they none-the-less suffer from many of the same setbacks, substituting rational processes for emotional availability. This intellectual distance tends to go both ways, making INTJs notoriously difficult to read and get to know, and making INTJs not want to bother reading anyone they think isn’t on their level. Overcoming these hurdles is often all but impossible without the sort of instant connection made possible by sharing the Intuitive (N) trait.

INTJ friends

No Person Will Complain for Want of Time Who Never Loses Any

INTJs tend to have set opinions about what works, what doesn’t, what they’re looking for, and what they’re not. These discriminating tastes can come across as arrogant, but INTJs would simply argue that it’s a basic filtering mechanism that allows them to direct their attentions where they will do the most good. The fact is that in friendship, INTJs are looking for more of an intellectual soul mate than anything else, and those that aren’t prepared for that kind of relationship are simply boring. INTJs need to share ideas – a self-feeding circle of gossip about mutual friends is no kind of social life for them.

INTJs will keep up with just a few good friends, eschewing larger circles of acquaintances in favor of depth and quality.

Further, having more than just a few friends would compromise INTJs’ sense of independence and self-sufficiency – they gladly give up social validation to ensure this freedom. INTJs embrace this idea even with those who do fit into their social construct, requiring little attention or maintenance to remain on good terms, and encouraging that same independence in their friends.

When it comes to emotional support, INTJs are far from being a bastion of comfort. They actively suppress their own emotions with shields of rationality and logic, and expect their friends to do the same. When emotionally charged situations do come about, INTJs may literally have no clue how to handle them appropriately, a glaring contrast from their usual capacity for decisive self-direction and composure.

But Friendship Is Precious

When they are in their comfort zone though, among people they know and respect, INTJs have no trouble relaxing and enjoying themselves. Their sarcasm and dark humor are not for the faint of heart, nor for those who struggle to read between the lines, but they make for fantastic story-telling among those who can keep up. This more or less limits their pool of friends to fellow Analysts and Diplomat types, as Observant (S) types’ preference for more straightforward communication often simply leaves both parties frustrated.

It’s not easy to become good friends with INTJs. Rather than traditional rules of social conduct or shared routine, INTJs have exacting expectations for intellectual prowess, uncompromising honesty and a mutual desire to grow and learn as sovereign individuals. INTJs are gifted, bright and development-oriented, and expect and encourage their friends to share this attitude. Anyone falling short of this will be labeled a bore – anyone meeting these expectations will appreciate them of their own accord, forming a powerful and stimulating friendship that will stand the test of time.

5 years ago
Speaking from experience, I highly recommend that my fellow INTJs steer clear of people with mental health problems. They can be genuinely lovely people, but in my experience I find myself caught up in "fixing" them... I feel a deep need to understand why their thoughts and emotions are so abnormal and I get stuck in a cycle of recommending treatment, helping, failing to "cure" and then trying all over again. If you have a loved one who is responsible with their emotional and mental problems and gets professional help without seeking it from friends then I don't foresee this being a problem. I had a friend for a few years whom I am fairly certain had borderline personality disorder. She didn't manage it professionally so I found myself becoming babysitter and therapist; not fun for an INTJ who prefers to stay away from the messy realm of feelings and gets very frustrated by those who seem unable to act on/accept good advice. She just wouldn't accept my suggestions, or would feign interest in getting help. I wasted a lot of energy and thought on this person.
Thonus Masters
5 years ago
It's Nice to know the inner workings of self, but what dose all of this, mean for society and humanity?! The people with the rarest personality type are they some kind of chosen people, or people who've been damaged emotionally as children? In the end we all return to the earth!!!
5 years ago
Haha, this is extremely amusing to me! This assessment maintains that which I've always known about myself, and even in this regard (friendships) the assessment is again true. I'll argue, however, that all the compiled traits which make us who we are (that together seem as our Achilles' heel) are the same devices that we can use toward our benefit and overcome these clumsy weaknesses. Social awkwardness stifled me as a child. Then one day while expressing my frustrations over my own social ineptitude, my mother advised me to observe and study others that I might learn to be like them. Since that day I did exactly that- I studied the mannerisms of others, observed social customs, and analyzed every minutiae of body language. I considered myself a social chameleon. In every situation I quickly assessed the others around me and gathered what actions or words would be perceived as the most favorable. I continue that to this day and anyone who "knows" me would be shocked to find out the freak I really am and always felt myself to be while growing up. When I confront a situation that baffles me I thoroughly analyze it afterwards to take from it what I can, and in this way I gain even more knowledge. Even my husband doesn't understand the years of practice it's taken for me to be who I am today. He calls me the social one out of the two of us, but I (inwardly) laugh at the idea. Even in the subject of relationships this assessment was correct. I found my husband, or rather he found me, during the point in time when I was no longer looking and felt unrestrained by (exhausting) social gesturing.
4 years ago
Yes to all of the above. I especially struggle with situations that require sympathy or feigned empathy such as funerals or weddings. I've always felt guilty because I don't feel what I'm "supposed" to feel when I'm supposed to feel it and I constantly have to pretend in order to maintain this social camouflage I've worked so hard to create over the years. I also find it extremely exhausting to keep this up over long periods of time. I can't work out the relationship stuff yet but I'm working on it. While I seemed to have figured out the sexual part and the friendship part I've yet to amalgamate the two. If anyone has any INTJ advice on this that would be amazing.
5 years ago
People always used to ask me when I was younger if I was mad about something. I have caught glances of myself accidentally in the mirror and I do look very cross. No wonder everyone avoids me! I really only gravitate to the serious, quieter types, but then those types seem to gravitate toward the extraverts, and I get the sinking suspicion that most of the introverts really do have low self-esteem after all and wish themselves to be more like the extraverts... as in 'what's wrong with me?' type of thing. I don't think this is as likely to happen to the INTJs but I can see it happening if they haven't found their niche in life.
5 years ago
That last part is true. I was one of those low self-asteem, "...wrong with me?", "why am I so weird compared to everyone else?" kind of kid. As soon as mid high school hit, I had an abrupt change and decided I don't care how different I am. In fact, I loved it, and I still do. *monotone cheering* Yay me. Go me. *falls over* I'm sleepy... So, it is possible for an INTJ to be unsure of themselves, but at some point we start acting upon our true natures.
5 years ago
I'm a 0.8 female and I think our overlying feature is our self confidence in our knowledge and passions so until you find what tht is u strive in all ur left with is the cold exterior, awkward front and deep confusing thoughts like what is life.. What's am I here for? I believe me being a INTJ has greatly contributed to everything I am, agnostic, self-sufficient/ confident and a little bit judgmental and the secret superior attitude but tht only came when I reached high school and started excel in my academics and interests more so then other students. So yes initially I /we could be more insecure but thts only until u find ur "thing".
Brandon Chin
5 years ago
This article is 100% true about me. It is almost as if the author has been spying on me for years.
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