INTJ Friends

People with the INTJ personality type tend to have more success in developing friendships than they do with romantic relationships, but they none-the-less suffer from many of the same setbacks, substituting rational processes for emotional availability. This intellectual distance tends to go both ways, making INTJs notoriously difficult to read and get to know, and making INTJs not want to bother reading anyone they think isn’t on their level. Overcoming these hurdles is often all but impossible without the sort of instant connection made possible by sharing the Intuitive (N) trait.

INTJ friends

No Person Will Complain for Want of Time Who Never Loses Any

INTJs tend to have set opinions about what works, what doesn’t, what they’re looking for, and what they’re not. These discriminating tastes can come across as arrogant, but INTJs would simply argue that it’s a basic filtering mechanism that allows them to direct their attentions where they will do the most good. The fact is that in friendship, INTJs are looking for more of an intellectual soul mate than anything else, and those that aren’t prepared for that kind of relationship are simply boring. INTJs need to share ideas – a self-feeding circle of gossip about mutual friends is no kind of social life for them.

INTJs will keep up with just a few good friends, eschewing larger circles of acquaintances in favor of depth and quality.

Further, having more than just a few friends would compromise INTJs’ sense of independence and self-sufficiency – they gladly give up social validation to ensure this freedom. INTJs embrace this idea even with those who do fit into their social construct, requiring little attention or maintenance to remain on good terms, and encouraging that same independence in their friends.

When it comes to emotional support, INTJs are far from being a bastion of comfort. They actively suppress their own emotions with shields of rationality and logic, and expect their friends to do the same. When emotionally charged situations do come about, INTJs may literally have no clue how to handle them appropriately, a glaring contrast from their usual capacity for decisive self-direction and composure.

But Friendship Is Precious

When they are in their comfort zone though, among people they know and respect, INTJs have no trouble relaxing and enjoying themselves. Their sarcasm and dark humor are not for the faint of heart, nor for those who struggle to read between the lines, but they make for fantastic story-telling among those who can keep up. This more or less limits their pool of friends to fellow Analysts and Diplomat types, as Observant (S) types’ preference for more straightforward communication often simply leaves both parties frustrated.

It’s not easy to become good friends with INTJs. Rather than traditional rules of social conduct or shared routine, INTJs have exacting expectations for intellectual prowess, uncompromising honesty and a mutual desire to grow and learn as sovereign individuals. INTJs are gifted, bright and development-oriented, and expect and encourage their friends to share this attitude. Anyone falling short of this will be labeled a bore – anyone meeting these expectations will appreciate them of their own accord, forming a powerful and stimulating friendship that will stand the test of time.

4 years ago
I found it eerily strange that INTJs don't like physical expressions of emotions. This is somewhat true for me (I'm an INTJ to the booone). I have very few close friends who know when to give me a hug or not, because they read me (kind of at least) and my stress levels etc. But the majority of the time (90 percent of it) I HATE getting touched or hugged or shaking hands or anything of the sort. I had people in my best friend's (ENFP) group of friends (what lovely loud as heck people) that would literally come up and just go "HI!!!" and hug the life out of me. GOD that was annoying. Also, in terms of the emotional expression stuff, I would say that it really takes a lot to get me to cry. Thinking about something for a long time and figuring it out, especially if it is something having to do with altruism, kindness, or other principles of life, gets me bawling. Otherwise, I'm a cold stone.
3 years ago
I agree with everything you said! I hate all the touchy-feely stuff. But whats funny is as "unemotional" as we may seem, i get emotional when i see things that have to do with groups of people standing together and fighting for a cause, or coming together in some way. Basically anything that gives me a strong sense of humanity i guess. To me, thats one of the most beautiful things in life. Sappy stuff doesn't do anything for me. Sad movies won't usually make me cry, but other movies that no one else is affected by can reduce me to tears. Universal truths, protests, empowerment etc...
Elaine Gregory
4 years ago
I am an INTJ and I agree with the 'try to solve their friends problems' comment as I have personal experience in this as well. Instead of comforting their friend INTJ's are more likely to come up with a plan of action to help their friend, personally this manisfested when a friend was evicted from her home and instead of telling her it would be alright I moved her into my house while she found a more permanent place to stay. This is not a lack of care but simply a pragmatic way of looking at problems rather than dwelling on the emotional side of things.
4 years ago
The only thing I don't like about this is the insinuation that those who fit INTJ don't need friends. I rely on my friends for many reasons, including emotional support. Sometimes just being with my friends - without their active or even knowing provision of it - provides emotional support. I find that if I struggle with emotions at all, it's in my own struggle to control and express them, and in attempting to understand and justify others'.
4 years ago
Speaking from experience, I highly recommend that my fellow INTJs steer clear of people with mental health problems. They can be genuinely lovely people, but in my experience I find myself caught up in "fixing" them... I feel a deep need to understand why their thoughts and emotions are so abnormal and I get stuck in a cycle of recommending treatment, helping, failing to "cure" and then trying all over again. If you have a loved one who is responsible with their emotional and mental problems and gets professional help without seeking it from friends then I don't foresee this being a problem. I had a friend for a few years whom I am fairly certain had borderline personality disorder. She didn't manage it professionally so I found myself becoming babysitter and therapist; not fun for an INTJ who prefers to stay away from the messy realm of feelings and gets very frustrated by those who seem unable to act on/accept good advice. She just wouldn't accept my suggestions, or would feign interest in getting help. I wasted a lot of energy and thought on this person.
Thonus Masters
4 years ago
It's Nice to know the inner workings of self, but what dose all of this, mean for society and humanity?! The people with the rarest personality type are they some kind of chosen people, or people who've been damaged emotionally as children? In the end we all return to the earth!!!
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