INTJ Friends

People with the INTJ personality type tend to have more success in developing friendships than they do with romantic relationships, but they none-the-less suffer from many of the same setbacks, substituting rational processes for emotional availability. This intellectual distance tends to go both ways, making INTJs notoriously difficult to read and get to know, and making INTJs not want to bother reading anyone they think isn’t on their level. Overcoming these hurdles is often all but impossible without the sort of instant connection made possible by sharing the Intuitive (N) trait.

INTJ friends

No Person Will Complain for Want of Time Who Never Loses Any

INTJs tend to have set opinions about what works, what doesn’t, what they’re looking for, and what they’re not. These discriminating tastes can come across as arrogant, but INTJs would simply argue that it’s a basic filtering mechanism that allows them to direct their attentions where they will do the most good. The fact is that in friendship, INTJs are looking for more of an intellectual soul mate than anything else, and those that aren’t prepared for that kind of relationship are simply boring. INTJs need to share ideas – a self-feeding circle of gossip about mutual friends is no kind of social life for them.

INTJs will keep up with just a few good friends, eschewing larger circles of acquaintances in favor of depth and quality.

Further, having more than just a few friends would compromise INTJs’ sense of independence and self-sufficiency – they gladly give up social validation to ensure this freedom. INTJs embrace this idea even with those who do fit into their social construct, requiring little attention or maintenance to remain on good terms, and encouraging that same independence in their friends.

When it comes to emotional support, INTJs are far from being a bastion of comfort. They actively suppress their own emotions with shields of rationality and logic, and expect their friends to do the same. When emotionally charged situations do come about, INTJs may literally have no clue how to handle them appropriately, a glaring contrast from their usual capacity for decisive self-direction and composure.

But Friendship Is Precious

When they are in their comfort zone though, among people they know and respect, INTJs have no trouble relaxing and enjoying themselves. Their sarcasm and dark humor are not for the faint of heart, nor for those who struggle to read between the lines, but they make for fantastic story-telling among those who can keep up. This more or less limits their pool of friends to fellow Analysts and Diplomat types, as Observant (S) types’ preference for more straightforward communication often simply leaves both parties frustrated.

It’s not easy to become good friends with INTJs. Rather than traditional rules of social conduct or shared routine, INTJs have exacting expectations for intellectual prowess, uncompromising honesty and a mutual desire to grow and learn as sovereign individuals. INTJs are gifted, bright and development-oriented, and expect and encourage their friends to share this attitude. Anyone falling short of this will be labeled a bore – anyone meeting these expectations will appreciate them of their own accord, forming a powerful and stimulating friendship that will stand the test of time.

Mary
5 years ago
Friendships... It's so much work, especially if an impending friend is a drama queen. I have 2-3 really good friends who get me, I trust them and their intellect, and enjoy hanging out with them. Everyone else is exhausting.
JR
5 years ago
Just speaking for myself (a confirmed INTJ), I'm more concerned with intellectual curiosity than intellectual firepower. I have friends of all religious and political stripes, all walks of life, and all levels of education. All that I ask of them is that they are willing to ask "why" about everything? Granted, this skews my friend set towards the religiously and politically moderate, but that's how I'm wired. As for intelligence, I find that it's generally a byproduct of this intellectual curiosity rather than a driver of it.
Leonidas
5 years ago
Looking at some of the comments I must add that if someone is truly an INTJ they won't have any qualms about judging and will on the contrary do it as a 2nd nature....It is a more like a way to categorize and set expectations than to belittle or berate someone. INTJ's aren't bad people they simply like to see things for the way they are.
HL
5 years ago
That is exactly it. Why wouldn't someone want to analyze the abilities of their coworkers, for example, to best assess how they can be utilized to complete the tasks at hand? If that comes across as judgmental, then fine, so be it. You are making a judgement on how to accomplish something the most efficient way possible with the highest probability of success. If that means you have to exclude someone incapable of doing a task, isn't the problem really that this individual cannot complete the task? Homer Simpson works at a nuclear power plant, would YOU rely on him to do a critical task if he were your coworker? Yet if you judge him to be incompetent regardless of his standing, the problem is with the INTJ? This is what is wrong with society and the workplace from the perspective of an INTJ. They want to surround themselves only with that is necessary and beneficial to their lives and careers. They'd love it if this wasn't necessary, but it is. We see failure constantly and know it's sources. Yet this personality type is also often the most accepting to admit they were wrong when they find value in another's abilities or contributions they didn't see before. They welcome this as they've gained insight. Honestly, I don't see a problem in wanting to gain the respect of an INTJ, as it means that individual has bettered themselves and their own lives. If someone finds fault with an INTJ because one has found them to be mediocre, perhaps they should spend some introspective time evaluating themselves before ridiculing the INTJ for being too judgemental.
Leonidas
5 years ago
Haha I can't believe how judgemental INTJ's are. I am also guilty in this category as I always feel the need judge a person/situation although it is socially not acceptable and people are welcome to do the same. Someone must first prove that they are above the average margin before I retract my judgement as to avoid disappointment....There is just something satisfactory about your prediction/judgement being true!
MD
5 years ago
Might as well chip in here. As an INTJ through and through, I can safely say that the, “automatically assume most people are less intelligent than they are,” statement is, at least for me, very true. Whenever I meet someone, I have my mind made up about them in less than a second, and I'm rarely wrong in my judgment. When it comes to intelligence, I automatically assume everyone is less intelligent than I for a few reasons. The most prevailing reason is that it's usually true. Another reason is that I would go insane if I tried to think of everyone around me as being intelligent then be constantly pulled down to earth and beaten for my foolishness by reality. Sometimes I recognize a person's intelligence when I first meet them, but those same people tend to bore me and I find most of them very uninteresting. I suppose the problem is that, intelligent though they may be, they often lack a certain degree of rationality that I consider important. (Is that irony I smell?) There was only ever one time that my assumption of a lack of intelligence was incorrect. It happened with someone I had known for months, but it wasn't until one specific instance that we happened to connect on a deep intellectual / philosophical level. Then, just like that, he went back to being the same average friend I had perceived him to be. I found that the reason for his sheltering of his true self was due to the fact that he had never actually found someone else who thought like him, and he naturally filed away his inner self to become less... Unappealing? Unattractive? The point being that everyone around him enjoyed his averageness and extroversion, his romantic partner included, and he is able to maintain friendly contact with nearly everyone he knows due to this. Were he to display his true self, most would probably find him arrogant and strange, severing contact with most of the people he knows. As for anything related to emotion, I actually do possess a diagnosed level of psychopathy, so I can't say for sure. Though I understand emotions in others well, I understand them by analyzing them logically — a practice that flies in the face of all that is emotion. *Ahem* My apologies. It seems I forgot what the topic of discussion was a few sentences in and deviated far off course. So, yes. Simply put, everyone else is a stupid, I is a smart. I believe that should be satisfactory.
lilly
5 years ago
I'm having trouble correlating the INTJ personality type with Psychopathy. Reasons: 1) The 'J' aspect of INTJ does not fit in with a psychopathic personality. I'd have expected psychopaths to come out as strong P's due to their impulsive nature. 2) The article says that INTJs aren't overly keen on attaining power; they only lead when they see the need. Psychopaths love power and actively seek out chances to obtain it. 3) One of the INTJ strengths listed in the article is "Honest and direct". INTJs don't play games. We call a spade a spade irrespective of the situation. Psychopaths are highly accomplished liars and will quite happily call a spade a teaspoon if it suits their purposes. On a separate note, in my experience, intelligence combined with a large ego creates the recipe for an obnoxious individual. Intelligence combined with humility is a recipe for an individual who will command great respect from his/her peers. I've known and tolerated many very intelligent individuals who had large egos and, to a man, I was quite happy to see the back of each of them. I've known one individual who was very intelligent but was also humble and I have to say that he was one of the most remarkable and admirable men I've ever met.
Liz
3 years ago
Well, the clever INTJ learns what others perceive as obnoxious and avoids this--one can have a big ego but present oneself as humble and thus win respect. It just takes some maturity. I think a lot of people thought I was horrible when I was in my 20s, and I probably was (judgemental, arrogant, sarcastic). Now, in my 50s, I have learned to do things like ask people about their day, their children, to keep my opinions to myself, and to take the edge off my humor.
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