So You’re Dating a Defender (ISFJ)

What is it like to date a Defender (ISFJ)? Defenders are known for being steady, reliable, and protective. They take pride in being there for you when you need help, they’ll never forget your birthday, and they might just organize your junk drawer when you’re not looking. The Defender is also one of the more common personality types.

Of course, no two Defenders are exactly alike. For example, famous people with this personality include Queen Elizabeth II and Beyoncé, and we’d hazard a guess that dating the queen of England would be quite different from dating Queen Bey.

That said, Defenders do have many common tendencies and characteristics. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind if you’re dating a Defender.

What about you?

Free

Only 10 minutes to get a “freakishly accurate” description of who you are and why you do things the way you do.

Take the Test

Defenders Might Not Ask for Recognition, But That Doesn’t Mean They Don’t Appreciate It

Defenders gain a great deal of satisfaction from helping others, whether that means vacuuming out your car or hearing you out when you’ve had a bad day. Unlike some other personality types, Defenders often prefer to help out behind the scenes, taking care of things that they haven’t been asked to do, and they rarely demand thanks. This is just one of the ways they show their love and affection.

But beneath their unassuming exteriors, Defenders appreciate recognition and validation as much as anyone else. Be sure to thank them for the ways they help you out, both large and small. Otherwise, they might get a little resentful, even if they’d never admit to it.

Defenders Might Be Homebodies, But They Enjoy Being Treated to a Nice Outing Too

Defenders are often viewed as homebodies who’d prefer a quiet night by the fire to a wild night on the town. And for the most part, this is true. Consistent, predictable routines tend to appeal to people with this personality type, and this applies to date nights as much as it does to other areas of their lives.

But even the most steadfast Defenders crave some variety, and as much as they enjoy taking care of others, they also enjoy feeling cared for. If you’re looking for a way to make your Defender partner feel special, go ahead and plan an outing. Something serene but slightly elegant is always a good bet, such as a picnic at a beautiful garden or a candlelit dinner.

The keyword here is plan. If necessary, make a reservation or buy tickets in advance, and take care of any necessary shopping, chores, or errands beforehand. Even if the nature of the outing is a surprise, let your Defender know when they’ll need to leave so that they have plenty of time to get ready. If your Defender partner can trust that the details are taken care of, it’ll be that much easier for them to relax and enjoy the special day you’ve planned for them.

For more on what makes Defender (ISFJ) personality types tick, including what they’re looking for in romantic relationships, check out our Premium Profile!

Final Thoughts

Because they tend to be so consistent and helpful, it’s possible to take Defender personalities for granted. But whether you’ve just started dating or you’ve been together for years, you can’t go wrong by making a bit of a fuss over your Defender partner. They might say, “Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” but chances are they’ll secretly appreciate it whenever you offer them thanks or plan a special occasion for them.

So, readers, have you ever dated someone with the Defender personality type? What advice do you have for people who are going out with Defenders? Let us know in the comments below.

If you’re dating a Protagonist (ENFJ) personality type, we’ve got advice for you too.
Not sure about your romantic partner’s personality type? The Romance Type Guesser in our Academy is a useful tool.
If you’re an Introverted personality looking to meet someone special, check out our tips in “The Introverts’ Guide to Online Dating.”

Comments

Please to join the discussion.

Anonymous

I am married to an ISFJ and he is amazing. Always being helpful true to his personality type. I think this article is spot on.

Elisabeth

Mediator (INFP-T)

As someone who grew up with a ISFJ-T, I can say this is good advice in general. She does appreciate the little things done for her, as well as verbal acknowledgement of her own work. However much she may dislike it as well, she really appreciates it when someone notices her for *who* she is.

Jellyfish

Virtuoso (ISTP-A)

This is a pretty good article in general, and most of it was true for me! Thank you :)

Anonymous

I can imagine myself dating a Defender and them having this whole special outing set up... and me forgetting they even exist and accidentally blowing them off and then feeling really bad about it later. How many times have I told other people I would be there at x o-clock and then just forgotten? It makes me guilty... Anyway, I think I only know one ISFJ, and not well, but they seem like a really nice personality type.

Nova

Architect (INTJ-T)

As an INTJ I could feel myself twitching reading your comment LOL. As a type who also likes making plans it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine having someone blow me off last minute especially when the excuse is "I forgot." More so when they think forgetting, therefore not intentionally missing, means there's no need to apologize. Not of course to say you yourself are bad or ill intentioned. Stuff happens sometimes, I get that. I think though for people like me the main thought that comes to mind in that situation is "if it was important, you'd remember." So when someone doesn't show or show's really late (without giving notice or having a decent excuse) it feels like they're saying "you weren't worth remembering" or "you're not important enough."

James

Defender (ISFJ-T)

Absolutely AMEN! Coming from an ISFJ, I think your comment is pretty spot on. Have always appreciated who didn't forget or weren't late. My last relationship was sadly full of that! I'm the guy who is most always 15-30 minutes early.

heavyFuel

Logician (INTP-T)

I forget stuff ALL THE TIME.throughout the decades I've figured out how to prevent it and if you can follow me on this, i can predict when it will (or won't) happen. here goes: if my life is straight AT THAT TIME PERIOD then I won't be late (post military only) and I won't forget (before, during, and after) dates or appts. if my life is kinda goin not so well (not exercising, drinking, too much hedonism, depression, solitaire, not improving) then it's only a matter of time before I forget to set an alarm, mark the calendar, write it on my hand or delay setting the alarm (ill write it on my hand when I get to the car instead of RIGHT NOW) which will then eventually cause me to sleep through something early, or not be reminded often enough. the difference between me making the appt or date on time is NOT because your'e not important to me therefor I will forget to meet you when we said. I can forget (meaning that moments after we agreed to it my mind may have gotten sidetracked and the planned date exits my mind and never returns.......until the time is past and i get a call from a crying girlfriend or yelling boss while i'm rearranging my sock drawer or something mundane.) when life is going straight I ALWAYS write down appts IMMEDIATELY in multiple places before they are forgotten. For a while i debated that maybe it IS that that person isn't important enough to me otherwise I would remember because of something I heard a lot in AA to gauge how much something was wanted (adult only topic coming up) You would get off your ass and do this if you were trying to get high. I can finally say that it still applies because I have forgotten "meetups" to do that too. late once or twice - ignorance of reminder techniques, or careless but forgivable habitual lateness is a sign of general problems in their life