So You’re Dating a Defender (ISFJ)

What is it like to date a Defender (ISFJ)? Defenders are known for being steady, reliable, and protective. They take pride in being there for you when you need help, they’ll never forget your birthday, and they might just organize your junk drawer when you’re not looking. The Defender is also one of the more common personality types.

Of course, no two Defenders are exactly alike. For example, famous people with this personality include Queen Elizabeth II and Beyoncé, and we’d hazard a guess that dating the queen of England would be quite different from dating Queen Bey.

That said, Defenders do have many common tendencies and characteristics. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind if you’re dating a Defender.

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Defenders Might Not Ask for Recognition, But That Doesn’t Mean They Don’t Appreciate It

Defenders gain a great deal of satisfaction from helping others, whether that means vacuuming out your car or hearing you out when you’ve had a bad day. Unlike some other personality types, Defenders often prefer to help out behind the scenes, taking care of things that they haven’t been asked to do, and they rarely demand thanks. This is just one of the ways they show their love and affection.

But beneath their unassuming exteriors, Defenders appreciate recognition and validation as much as anyone else. Be sure to thank them for the ways they help you out, both large and small. Otherwise, they might get a little resentful, even if they’d never admit to it.

Defenders Might Be Homebodies, But They Enjoy Being Treated to a Nice Outing Too

Defenders are often viewed as homebodies who’d prefer a quiet night by the fire to a wild night on the town. And for the most part, this is true. Consistent, predictable routines tend to appeal to people with this personality type, and this applies to date nights as much as it does to other areas of their lives.

But even the most steadfast Defenders crave some variety, and as much as they enjoy taking care of others, they also enjoy feeling cared for. If you’re looking for a way to make your Defender partner feel special, go ahead and plan an outing. Something serene but slightly elegant is always a good bet, such as a picnic at a beautiful garden or a candlelit dinner.

The keyword here is plan. If necessary, make a reservation or buy tickets in advance, and take care of any necessary shopping, chores, or errands beforehand. Even if the nature of the outing is a surprise, let your Defender know when they’ll need to leave so that they have plenty of time to get ready. If your Defender partner can trust that the details are taken care of, it’ll be that much easier for them to relax and enjoy the special day you’ve planned for them.

For more on what makes Defender (ISFJ) personality types tick, including what they’re looking for in romantic relationships, check out our Premium Profile!

Final Thoughts

Because they tend to be so consistent and helpful, it’s possible to take Defender personalities for granted. But whether you’ve just started dating or you’ve been together for years, you can’t go wrong by making a bit of a fuss over your Defender partner. They might say, “Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” but chances are they’ll secretly appreciate it whenever you offer them thanks or plan a special occasion for them.

So, readers, have you ever dated someone with the Defender personality type? What advice do you have for people who are going out with Defenders? Let us know in the comments below.

If you’re dating a Protagonist (ENFJ) personality type, we’ve got advice for you too.
Not sure about your romantic partner’s personality type? The Romance Type Guesser in our Academy is a useful tool.
If you’re an Introverted personality looking to meet someone special, check out our tips in “The Introverts’ Guide to Online Dating.”

Comments

Please to join the discussion.

Sahar

Advocate (INFJ-T)

Thank you for this, I am not in a relationship but! it is good to know more and be ready. i'm looking out for a person with this type, and who fits my lines. it's good to know that people with this type are into things that I like doing and how I say my love, I'm more physical touch, and body language more than small talks and putting space between a lot.

Anonymous

As an INTF-J, having a romantic partner who was a defender was awesome. The first time I'd met her, we had an instant connection that I've felt. I could see right through her feelings. We complemented each other and have been through things, from good to bad. I've always wondered why she always said, "I'll protect you" when she knows I'm taller and stronger. I always wondered why she secretly appreciates those compliments that I give to her. I've seen her bad sides, and good sides. Even though we've broken up, this article resonates a lot about her. And I can assure you, that dating a Defender was one of the best things that happened in my life.

Ethan

Defender (ISFJ-A)

I'm a Defender and this article is spot on! I would elaborate on two parts. First, when thanking, acknowledging or praising a Defender, it's usually best to do so in a private or low-profile way. The spotlight almost always makes us uncomfortable, but getting recognition off to the side and in person will make us feel better than on center stage or in an email to the entire office. Equally, being acknowledged by an individual will be more heartfelt than by a crowd. Second, variety is healthy when it's done in small steps. For example, instead of randomly signing the pair of us up for cooking classes, perhaps start off with trying a new recipe together at home and see how it goes. If you're trying to be more subtle, take our temperature on the topic by saying something like "I read a really cool article about learning how to bake and decorate cakes. It sounded like a fun couples activity - do you think there's a bakery nearby that offers classes?" This communicates that you have interest in this activity and implies that you want to do it with us without asking us to commit or decide on the spot if it's something we want to do. It also makes us feel involved in the process, even if you are eventually the one that takes care of all the details and planning. This way, it will still be a surprise when you take us to the first class but it won't be totally out of left field. A little surprise is reasonable and will definitely be appreciated, but a massive surprise is bound to make us feel vulnerable, unprepared and like a fish out of water.