Money, Relationships, and Personality Traits Part II: Goal-Oriented Communication

When two people decide to blend their lives into a shared reality, they have to make a whole slew of decisions together, many of them financial in nature. Most couples eventually move in together and take on shared expenses. Maybe they’ll have children or jointly purchase assets like a vehicle, home, or business venture.

It’s a truth that can’t be escaped – money plays an integral role in every committed relationship.

But despite its central importance, money also tends to become a hot topic that we often learn to avoid discussing with our partner. For many couples, it eventually becomes the “elephant in the room” and a major source of stress and disagreement. There have been plenty of breakups when that metaphorical elephant could no longer be ignored.

Fortunately, if you are having money problems in your relationship, there are some things that you can do to address the tension and find financial harmony.

First, you must work on becoming aware of your own money mentality and your personal relationship with finances. You will then need to take a good, hard look to see if you are dealing with any of the three critical conflicts that are often at the root of a couple’s financial strife:

  1. Conflicting attitudes about spending, saving, individual debts, and debts acquired as a couple
  2. Financial “cheating,” or hiding spending from your partner
  3. Having unclear or misaligned financial goals

These three critical conflicts are explored in depth in part 1 of this two-part series. Be sure to give it a quick read. If you’ve already done so, then it’s time to start talking. Even though conversations about money problems can quickly dissolve into heated arguments, the only way to get rid of that elephant is to talk about it.

The topic of personality and communication is huge. The information below is just a start to help you begin to understand how our traits influence the ways in which we act and interact during stressful conversations. Understanding and accepting both your and your partner’s communication patterns will help you avoid unproductive conflict around delicate topics like finances.

Personality Traits and Communication

As you mentally prepare to take on these difficult conversations, it’s helpful to consider how personality type can shape the ways in which we express ourselves. One of the strongest influences on a person’s communication style is where they fall on the Thinking and Feeling spectrum.

Feeling personality types are much more likely to struggle when it comes to discussing difficult topics. When something is bothering them, they are more hesitant to open up a conversation about it. Negative emotions can potentially impact their ability to think clearly, and if a conversation takes a turn into “fight” territory, their instinct may be to shut down and walk away.

These personalities can also fall into the trap of assuming that they know how their partner is feeling. If they sense anger, disappointment, or some other hard emotion, they might choose to tell a little white lie or omit key information rather than risk hurting their significant other’s feelings or creating more conflict.

These counterproductive tendencies are not necessarily the norm for all people with the Feeling personality trait. They simply represent the extreme manifestation of a powerful preference for peacekeeping and diplomacy. The inherent empathy and compassion of Feeling types are downright strengths when it comes to cultivating the safe space that is needed for discussing difficult topics and negotiating solutions based on understanding and compromise.

Thinking personality types are much more likely to approach difficult matters from a place of intellectual analysis. Because they tend to be more in control of their emotions, they may find it easier to stay levelheaded during a heated discussion. They may struggle, however, to understand the emotional aspects of their partner’s reasoning or logic. And if there is a topic where feelings influence logic, it’s money.

The firm rationality of Thinking types is a big part of why they are more willing than most to deliver hard truths, even if it means hurting their partner’s feelings. Their approach toward handling issues can be helpful, but it can also be hard on their significant other. Depending on their partner’s personality type and the overall communication dynamic within the relationship, these tendencies may need to be tempered with patience and intentional empathy.

Other Personality Traits That Influence Communication

Another key aspect of our personality that plays an important role in how we communicate is how Introverted or Extraverted we are.

Introverted people often feel misunderstood when expressing themselves and are more likely than their Extraverted counterparts to struggle when it comes to expressing their expectations. They are generally willing listeners, however – unless things get heated. Much like Feeling types, Introverts have a tendency to withdraw from conflict.

Extraverted personalities tend to feel more competent in articulating what they think. But when taken to extremes, their confidence for self-expression may come off as argumentativeness. Unfortunately, they are also more likely to report that they sometimes show a quick temper (though this is not always the case).

The Assertive and Turbulent personality traits are also hugely important when it comes to the ways in which we express ourselves within our relationships.

Assertive personalities are likely to have more moderate emotional responses, compared to the relative reactivity of more Turbulent types. An Assertive, Feeling type, for example, may be more comfortable communicating their thoughts, despite their negative emotions, while a Turbulent, Thinking type might struggle to focus and communicate their otherwise more objective perspective when things get tense.

Another way to illustrate the influence of these traits is by looking at the way in which someone responds to criticism. Only 14% of Assertive, Feeling Mediators (INFP-A) feel like they are more easily offended than most people, compared to 23% of Turbulent, Thinking Logicians (INTP-T). There is a fascinating counterbalancing effect between the Thinking/Feeling and Turbulent/Assertive personality traits.

Communication Goals to Fix the Money Problems in Your Relationship

So now that you’re thinking about how personality influences someone’s communication style, let’s return to the actual main point of this article – dealing with the money problems that you may be facing in your relationship.

We’ve already said that sitting down and talking about finances with your partner is the only way to deal with that elephant in the room. But rather than just diving headfirst into the points of contention that are generating the most conflict, we recommend that you take a more strategic and thoughtful approach.

Adopt a Team Mentality

To find solutions and make agreements that work for your particular circumstances, you and your partner must be on the same team. Both of you can start building a team mentality by learning about and validating each other’s personality types. Doing so fosters a sense of mutual understanding that, in turn, allows you both to become more supportive of each other.

The goal is to move beyond cycles of blame, criticism, and defensiveness. By declaring a cease-fire on the finger-pointing, it’s easier to combine forces to resolve your money problems together.

Discuss Your Hopes, Dreams, and Goals for the Future

It’s important to be aware of whether you and your partner’s visions about the life that you want to live are radically different, are on the same page, or fall somewhere in between. Do you want kids? If you have kids, are you expecting to pay their way through college? What about homeownership or career goals? Do you need to pay off a credit card? What about your partner’s student loans? What are your individual goals, and what are your goals as a couple?

Discussing and defining goals – even if they are not shared – fosters a team dynamic in your relationship. Knowing what your priorities are allows you to support each other both emotionally and financially as you work toward fulfilling them.

And this isn’t a one-and-done deal – this conversation should be ongoing. As individuals with distinct personalities, we all grow and evolve, and as we do so, our hopes and dreams for the future may change. In order to avoid the frustrations and resentments that can form around misaligned goals (not to mention the financial fallout), it’s important to continually check in with your partner and make sure that you are still headed in the same direction.

Make Clear Agreements and Define Expectations about Combined Finances

As part of this team approach, you and your partner need to make clear agreements about how to combine finances – or not – and manage spending. Remember, one of the critical conflicts at the root of most money problems that a couple will face has to do with the differences in their beliefs and attitudes about managing money, something that is often directly influenced by their personality traits. By setting well-defined expectations, these differences can be overcome – or at least managed peacefully.

This will vary for each couple. Some people split everything fifty-fifty, while others assign certain bills or responsibilities to one person or the other. Many couples take a “what’s yours is mine” approach, but it’s also common to maintain completely separate finances. Whatever works for your relationship is fine, as long as each person is in complete agreement and fully commits to their responsibilities.

This may include setting a budget with specific goals like paying down debt or creating individual budgets for each person to spend as they wish (without consulting the other). You may also want to come to an agreement about which types of spending need team approval. There is no one magic formula that will work for every couple – the only rule of thumb is that both people have to be on board and clear about mutual expectations.

Have Regular Conversations about Money before There Are Problems

This point cannot be stressed enough. It is critical that you and your partner have regular check-ins specifically about finances (especially if you are coming from opposite ends of the personality spectrum). If you’ve been together for years and the only “conversations” that you’ve had about money have been fights, you can – and must – shift to this more proactive and preemptive approach to talking about money. If you’re in a relatively new relationship, then this is a great foundation to have.

How are each of you doing on those individual goals? Are there any big decisions on the horizon? Are you dealing with any challenges? Have there been any major purchases that the other person needs to know about?

Regularly asking these questions will help create a new normal of discussing finances as if they were no big deal. You’ll stay up-to-date with each other, eliminate the opportunity to “cheat” on the budget, and create an open space for discussing any concerns before they become an issue.

Be Aware of Money and Power Dynamics

One last thing to be aware of is the possibility of power dynamics around shared finances. If one partner is earning significantly more money than the other, an unhealthy relationship can evolve, where the partner who earns less may not feel free to express opinions or have input on important financial decisions.

Aside from fostering feelings of powerlessness in a relationship (and who wants that?), this may lead to some of the “worst-case” communication tendencies for each personality type, as briefly described above. In a practical sense, this could also lead to financial infidelity or hiding purchases and lying about spending. The primary earner may feel entitled to spend money without reporting it, while the other partner may feel the need to “sneak” purchases to meet their needs.

This type of imbalance can be avoided by making sure that both partners have equal say in financial decisions and by creating clear expectations about spending.

Money Problems Are Not a Given – Communication Is Key

It is inevitable that money issues are going to come up in a relationship, but they do not have to become full-blown problems or points of conflict. When you combine a comprehensive understanding of both your and your partner’s personality types with open communication and a teamwork mentality, it’s possible to maintain financial harmony and keep those economic elephants at bay.

Your relationship does not have to fall victim to conflicting attitudes about spending, saving, or debt. Financial “cheating” can be avoided, and both of you can feel supported and empowered to go after your individual and shared financial goals.

Now it’s time to get your partner involved! Invite them to take our free personality test, then explore how each of your individual traits influences the dynamics in your relationship by using our premium Intertype Test. From there, you can put your new insights to work by opening up the necessary conversations about communication styles, attitudes toward money, and your specific financial problems.

Further Reading