Humans love romanticizing romantic relationships. We have a tendency to think that the feelings that dominate in the honeymoon phase, where we often see our partners as perfect and infallible, should define a relationship forever. When those feelings start to bump up against the realization that the person you’re with is just another flawed human being, you know your romance is maturing.
One of those first outward clues that this is happening is your first argument. If you make it past this milestone as a couple, you and your partner will quickly develop a communication dynamic that will come to define the way that you handle difficult discussions. As you get to know each other, some topics will inevitably become sensitive. Others may even become downright taboo, like landmines to be sidestepped at the risk of setting off an explosive conflict.
Why is it that certain topics become so difficult to discuss – and some conversations become so much harder than others? Might it have something to do with our personality traits?
Hard Conversations Are Triggering
There are many hard things that are difficult to talk about in a relationship: finances and money, issues surrounding emotional and physical intimacy, and the logistics of cohabitating, just to name a few. These topics all have the potential to trigger deep-rooted and visceral emotional responses.
If we want to understand why these topics elicit such emotional reactivity, it’s worth taking a look beyond what’s expressed at the surface level.
Vulnerability
One of the main reasons why talking about hard things is so triggering is because it obligates us to become vulnerable with our partners, something that is intensely disquieting for many people. Vulnerability has the potential to raise anxiety levels and is generally something that most people prefer to avoid altogether.
Some personality types are notably more comfortable opening up than others, particularly those with the Extraverted trait. Others see vulnerability as a necessary discomfort, and even though they may not enjoy it, they are still willing to open up to their partner. People with the Feeling trait, for example, are more likely to consider vulnerability an essential aspect of intimacy and emotional closeness.
While some Thinking and Introverted individuals may take a similar approach, people with these personality traits tend to feel anxious after becoming emotionally vulnerable. In fact, Thinking types are the least likely of all personalities to consider sharing their vulnerability to be an effective method for dealing with their negative emotions. Pushing these personalities into talking about difficult topics might result in heightened feelings of defensiveness, or they might simply shut down and refuse to talk about anything at all.
The way that we react to vulnerability and the emotions that it provokes directly influences the way that we interact with our partners in difficult conversations or arguments, regardless of the topic being discussed. Someone who gets angry or uptight when discussing a poor financial decision, for example, might simply be reacting to the discomfort of vulnerability.
Fear of Rejection
It’s normal to want to avoid conversations that invite admonishment, criticism, or feelings of being misunderstood. But if those feelings are tied to the deeper worry that your partner may get fed up with you and choose to walk away, this avoidance can become a mechanism for self-preservation.
Difficult discussions have a way of tapping into our fear of rejection, something that Turbulent personality types – especially those with the Feeling trait – are more likely to have a heightened sensitivity toward. Hearing criticism, even the constructive kind, can be painful and possibly even offensive for people with these particular traits. Behind strong emotional reactions may lurk self-blame or a sense of failure for not having lived up to some expectation.
This sensitivity probably underlies the tendency that Turbulent personality types have to struggle when it comes to saying exactly what is on their mind, causing them to hold back or forgo important conversations altogether. This protective hesitancy shields them from not only potential misunderstandings but also those complicated feelings that ultimately link back to their fear of rejection.
Challenges to Expectations and Beliefs
In romantic relationships, challenging conversations start to happen when we discover – and clash over – our differences in expectations and beliefs concerning both the practical and emotional aspects of our overlapping lives.
In an ideal world, these differences would be explored with an open mind and the goal of coming to some kind of agreement or peaceful acceptance of each person’s unique way of seeing things. But this is often easier said than done. Having our expectations or viewpoints challenged can feel threatening. For some people, when this happens, their instinct is to dig in deeper and defend their position, rather than seek out mutual understanding.
Let’s consider how a couple might approach the seemingly superficial issue of laundry.
One person in the relationship (let’s call them Person A) not only has the expectation of a clean and orderly home but also strongly believes that clothes are an investment worth caring for. They promptly launder, iron, and put their clothes away, rather than letting dirty laundry pile up. Their partner, Person B, does not prioritize doing laundry – they simply have more important things to do. Their expectations for a clean and orderly home are not quite as high as their partner’s, and they don’t believe that letting dirty clothes sit for a few days counts as neglect. They often let their laundry pile up, and when they finally get around to doing it, they might take a couple of days to put the clean clothes away.
Person A likely feels that their partner’s behavior is a direct affront to their expectations for a clean home and their belief that clothes should always be properly maintained. They may feel disrespected by the continuous disregard for their standards. When confronted with this issue, Person B may feel challenged or judged, giving rise to an eventual conflict. Before they know it, the way that the laundry gets done has become one of those sensitive topics that the couple tiptoes around, becoming a chronic source of frustration.
These partners can come to some kind of middle ground by redefining their individual expectations for an orderly home and their beliefs about caring for their clothing. This may require Person A to become more open to compromise and Person B to engage in some self-reflection about the impact of their habits. Either way, both will need to demonstrate flexibility and a willingness to evolve in order to find some sense of peace around the topic.
Laundry seems like a trivial matter, but this same dynamic develops any time our beliefs or expectations about life and how to live it clash against our partner’s. Whether you are figuring out the ideal work-life balance, raising children, or dealing with the other day-to-day realities of cohabitation, relationships have a way of bringing these differences in beliefs and expectations to the surface.
Successful conversations around these difficult topics require the ability to listen to your partner and a certain level of self-reflection, flexibility, and willingness to evolve or change your mind. For personalities with the Intuitive and Prospecting – and, to a lesser extent, Feeling – traits, all of this may come more naturally. For others, these abilities must be developed with more intention and practice. Regardless of personality type, everyone who finds themselves navigating a romantic relationship will need to hone these skills to handle challenging conversations more effectively.
Difficult Discussions Can Bring Us Together
Difficult discussions can feel threatening, like they are ripping your relationship apart. It’s easy to think that you and your partner are on shaky ground when you’re regularly talking about topics that leave you feeling anxious and stressed out. On a personal level, these discussions have the potential to impact our sense of self-confidence and self-worth.
But when approached with the intention of finding understanding, rather than defining who is right or wrong, these conversations can be powerful catalysts for positive personal growth.
These kinds of challenging conversations have the potential to strengthen our relationships – both with our partners and ourselves. These conversations give us the opportunity to define and evolve in our beliefs while learning to look beyond our fears and vulnerabilities. They obligate us to reconsider what we think we know. As a result, we are able to develop the deep, intimate, and necessary trust that bonds us to our partners.
How do you think personality traits influence the way that you and your partner approach controversial topics within your relationship? What other personality factors do you think contribute to making certain kinds of discussions difficult? Let us know in the comments.
Further Reading
- Check out your personality type’s premium Guide to Relationships.
- Three Ways Your Turbulent Personality Trait Can Mess Up a Date – And How to Fight Back
- Romantic Conflicts: Four Horsemen and Four Personality Type Groups
- Anger and the Four Personality Type Strategies
- Cooperation or Capitulation?: How Personality Types View Compromise