INTJ personalities are likely to have significant difficulties when it comes to relationships and dating. INTJs spend a large part of their lives in their heads; consequently, what they see and understand intuitively can be much more advanced than a “bland” reality. As a result, someone with the INTJ personality may find it challenging to merge that fantasy and those high requirements with reality. Unfortunately, their superior logic and imagination may actually hinder the INTJ when they start looking for a partner.
People with this personality type are likely to apply a rational approach to dating and relationships as well. An INTJ is likely to have a “checklist” in their mind long before they actually start thinking about a relationship. It is also likely that “he/she must be rational” will be at the top of their list of criteria—and this is exactly what usually holds the INTJ back, especially if they are male. There are certain rules (e.g., do not appear too interested) and types of behavior (e.g., a girl should not start the conversation) that a person interested in finding a dating partner is expected to follow, and unfortunately for INTJs, the majority of people will follow those rules. Even those potential partners who an INTJ would normally see as rational will probably yield to societal expectations. Consequently, INTJs are likely to get quite disappointed after the first few attempts at dating and may even start thinking that everybody else is either irrational or intellectually inferior.
Paradoxically, someone with the INTJ personality is most likely to attract a romantic partner when they are not actually looking for one. As most INTJs have difficulties with dating and relationships, their self-confidence takes a major hit in those situations, and the INTJ then overcompensates by showing off their intelligence, which makes them even more unattractive. Only when the INTJ returns to his or her usual self does their self-confidence start glowing again, which makes it much easier for them to attract a partner.
INTJs are uncomfortable expressing their feelings or trying to understand the emotions of other people. They also have a tendency to always trust their knowledge and understanding. Not surprisingly, INTJs can sometimes inadvertently hurt other people, especially during the dating phase and even later in the relationship. The mind of the INTJ personality is geared toward looking at conflict situations as logical puzzles worthy of analysis, which does not always help when their relationship partner does not share the same notion of fun.
Sexually, INTJs are likely to be very imaginative and enthusiastic, provided that their partner is willing to reciprocate. However, it is important that the INTJ does not fall into a habit of spending more time theorizing about intimacy than communicating with their partner.
People with the INTJ personality type may terminate the relationship if they are confident that it is at risk of breaking down, and they will not look back. INTJs’ approach to dating is quite similar: they will not keep trying if their mind is telling them that the likelihood of a strong relationship is very low. However, the calm exterior can be deceiving; it is more than likely that the INTJ will feel very hurt inside and spend extensive amounts of time figuring out what went wrong, especially if they had devoted a lot of time to dating or making the relationship work.
INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing a lot of stability and insight into their romantic relationships, but as already mentioned, that extraordinary intelligence is their main enemy in this area. That being said, if both partners manage to survive the rocky start during the dating phase, it is very likely that the relationship will be very deep and strong and the INTJ will do everything they can to ensure it stays that way, as long as the partner reciprocates.
Preferred partners: ENFP and ENTP types, as their Extraversion (E) and Prospecting (P) traits counterbalance INTJs’ Introversion (I) and Judging (J) traits. INFJs are also a very strong match as the intuitive connection between INTJ and INFJ is likely to be instantaneous.
If you would like to learn more about how INTJs can get better at starting and maintaining healthy romantic relationships, including advice aimed at specific personality type combinations, download the INTJ In-Depth Profile – a 70+ page guide covering a number of diverse topics. If you are single, you might also want to take a look at our Dating section.
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