INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs' Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs' propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

INTJ relationshipsAs they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs' “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren't trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs' best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

As their relationships develop, INTJs' partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn't always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it's important to know that INTJs don't make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they've devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.


Your name:
Jul 03, 2015 21:12:52
Me and my girlfriend did this test today. The results are amusing: I'm an INTJ and she is an ESTP which is almost the complete opposite of my personality type. But I believe that this is the reason why we have a good relationship. After all, we complete each other. One day, she told me that I give her some sort of stability with my rather quiet and planning attitude. On the other side, she often pulls me out of my comfort zone and wants me to try different activities which is a nice thing, so I guess I can say that it isn't always necessary to be in a relationship with a person who shares the same personality or interests with you.
Jun 26, 2015 23:59:37
I have always tested INTJ, and have been in a series of intense, loving, long-term relationships for the past 24 years. I really think this article is mistakenly making it sound like INTJ's are destined to be loners. I call baloney. I think maybe an INTJ feels like an alien to *many* other personality types, and it's easy to over-generalize from that. But you know what? In love, it doesn't matter. Because you don't have to find a whole bag of romantic partners, it only takes one. So don't freak out.
Jun 20, 2015 14:55:00
Being INTJ and a virgo is like a being a porcupine in a balloon factory when it comes to dating x/ Most of the harsh judgement I end up putting on myself cause when it continues to fail the only common denominator I can find is me... So this page and this site helped a loooooot! :3 maybe I wont give up just yet
female intj
Jun 19, 2015 15:08:07
I'm so glad I found this, it explains so much why I've never been in a relationship and makes me feel a little better about myself; that it's just a part of my personality and not because I'm a 'freak' or something. I'm only 17 but everyone my age has been in at least one relationship and/or have one night stands and go out to parties etc. and although it makes me feel left out, I'm really not interested in finding a boyfriend just for the hell of it. I have a lot of other goals in life and I'd rather work on those more interesting things rather than engage in pointless primitive behaviour. Like it says here, I take relationships seriously and most people my age seem to just be all about wanting sex. Of course I want sex, who doesn't? (unless you're asexual,) But I'd want it to part of something incredibly meaningful with someone who I'm not dating for the hell of it or just because I'm a 'curious teenager'.
Jul 14, 2015 04:22:53
Hi there, I'm a female INTJ as well, just wanted to let you know not to stress over your love life. There's nothing to be gained by messing around with guys who don't match your potential. The other girls do it because they don't have higher aspirations for themselves, and in 5 years you'll be the one graduating uni with the highest honors and a fantastic job while they've gotten pregnant and are living with a man who isn't committed. When you meet the right guy, you'll know it and you'll be amazing to him.

TSNM: I'm 25, I was in your shoes 8 years ago. Now I'm married to another INTJ and we're taking our world by storm. People tell us we're a power couple. He was my second relationship, he asked me to marry him the day we started dating--I said yes. We didn't rush, we dated for 3 years with the end game already defined. No sex until after marriage either--because love is a mental choice to commit for life. The physical sex is great but it isn't what makes a solid relationship. And the girls I went to school with? They're still chasing dreams. You, as an INTJ, can make your dreams a reality. Hope you'll be as lucky as I have been.
Jul 30, 2015 02:50:06
I understand you, I'm a female INTJ and I'm also 17. Everyone seems to be interested in love and relationship. But, yeah, I don't. I feel like it's too soon to have a boyfriend, and there are so many things I have to focus on.

Glad to see you and everyone here. At least I'm not the only one who feel this way.

P.S. Sorry for bad English!

Jun 14, 2015 02:42:15
Honestly as an INTJ I have exactly the same experience with dating as my fellow INTJs. I see the inability to connect romantically with others as a failure to reach a goal