INTJ relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal - a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology - but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs' Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs' propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

INTJ relationshipsAs they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs - if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs' “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren't trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs' best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

As their relationships develop, INTJs' partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn't always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold - it's important to know that INTJs don't make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they've devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values - though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.



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Try to understand INTJ
Nov 17, 2014 07:33:08
Anyone with INTJ personality can help me to explain? My ex and I were together for 2.5 years, and we're on the process to prepare for partnership visa for me to move over to be with him (we’re in long distance relationship). In Mar – May, we traveled together in Asia. Like every normal couple, we had some arguments but we always fixed the issues on the same day at the end. In August, I visited him in his home country; no arguments or anything; he even arranged a big welcome party for me on the 2nd weekend while I was there and even took me to his parents’ 40 anniversary party before I came home. On the second day I came back to my home country, he broke up with me by skype and said he already knew he did not want to be with me on the first week while I was at his house. He said we can't be together because I am too outgoing and he can't forget about our arguments during our Asia trip Mar - May. He then sent me this personality report asking me to understand him more (Introverted: 10%, Intuitive: 12%, Thinking: 33%, Judging: 26%, Assertive: 32%).

I read the info here, and I still don't understand him. Because I found out I am pregnant after he ended our relationship. He said he doesn't wanna be with me, so he will not let me move to his home country. He said I will be the only one raising the child; however, he would like to take some responsibility which is child support. When we started talking about child support issue, skype got disconnected, I tried calling him back but he never answered me again. Since October 8, no calls, no reply, no messages from him. Is this normal for INTJ male? I don’t expect anything from him anymore (not even child support); however, I am shocked how come someone I love 2.5 years would changed to be a total stranger to me and even his own child?
Nov 14, 2014 07:16:35
Wow! Really true!
Oct 27, 2014 00:55:06
After reading this, my entire "love" life makes so much sense. I'm 22 and have never had a serious relationship. I hate dating and all of its little "Dos and Donts" rules and I've scared away plenty of guys with my honesty. Because I don't have time for silly games.
Missouri Misanthrope
Oct 26, 2014 22:14:49
I am an intj, but quite honestly I don't have much of any self confidence. Does this make me odd?
Oct 27, 2014 14:20:58
With that info, it sounds like you're more Turbulent than Assertive. If that is the case, then no, it's not weird.
Terrence Barrie
Oct 25, 2014 16:23:00
First section that was not 99,9% accurate. As an INTJ I strongly believe in certain old fashioned rules such as chivalry, because I find them to make perfect sense. I think I might be a different breed of INTJ! I don't mind social situations, I do not dislike socializing, and I can manage my self perfectly well in such events (romance included), however I do find them rather dull and a waste of time. On the other hand, I unterstand why other kinds of people like social occasions and I'm therefore not against them. As INTJs it's easy to have peace of mind by reading a good book or so, but other people with different minds enjoy things we find poinless. Comming the point, understanding why other people do what they do (parties for instance) even if you don't agree with it, will help INTJs feel less socially awkward. Hope this helps!