INTJ relationships and dating

INTJ personalities are likely to have significant difficulties when it comes to relationships and dating. INTJs spend a large part of their lives in their heads; consequently, what they see and understand intuitively can be much more advanced than a “bland” reality. As a result, someone with the INTJ personality may find it challenging to merge that fantasy and those high requirements with reality. Unfortunately, their superior logic and imagination may actually hinder the INTJ when they start looking for a partner.

People with this personality type are likely to apply a rational approach to dating and relationships as well. An INTJ is likely to have a “checklist” in their mind long before they actually start thinking about a relationship. It is also likely that “he/she must be rational” will be at the top of their list of criteria—and this is exactly what usually holds the INTJ back, especially if they are male. There are certain rules (e.g., do not appear too interested) and types of behavior (e.g., a girl should not start the conversation) that a person interested in finding a dating partner is expected to follow, and unfortunately for INTJs, the majority of people will follow those rules. Even those potential partners who an INTJ would normally see as rational will probably yield to societal expectations. Consequently, INTJs are likely to get quite disappointed after the first few attempts at dating and may even start thinking that everybody else is either irrational or intellectually inferior.

INTJ_3Paradoxically, someone with the INTJ personality is most likely to attract a romantic partner when they are not actually looking for one. As most INTJs have difficulties with dating and relationships, their self-confidence takes a major hit in those situations, and the INTJ then overcompensates by showing off their intelligence, which makes them even more unattractive. Only when the INTJ returns to his or her usual self does their self-confidence start glowing again, which makes it much easier for them to attract a partner.

INTJs are uncomfortable expressing their feelings or trying to understand the emotions of other people. They also have a tendency to always trust their knowledge and understanding. Not surprisingly, INTJs can sometimes inadvertently hurt other people, especially during the dating phase and even later in the relationship. The mind of the INTJ personality is geared toward looking at conflict situations as logical puzzles worthy of analysis, which does not always help when their relationship partner does not share the same notion of fun.

Sexually, INTJs are likely to be very imaginative and enthusiastic, provided that their partner is willing to reciprocate. However, it is important that the INTJ does not fall into a habit of spending more time theorizing about intimacy than communicating with their partner.

People with the INTJ personality type may terminate the relationship if they are confident that it is at risk of breaking down, and they will not look back. INTJs’ approach to dating is quite similar: they will not keep trying if their mind is telling them that the likelihood of a strong relationship is very low. However, the calm exterior can be deceiving; it is more than likely that the INTJ will feel very hurt inside and spend extensive amounts of time figuring out what went wrong, especially if they had devoted a lot of time to dating or making the relationship work.

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing a lot of stability and insight into their romantic relationships, but as already mentioned, that extraordinary intelligence is their main enemy in this area. That being said, if both partners manage to survive the rocky start during the dating phase, it is very likely that the relationship will be very deep and strong and the INTJ will do everything they can to ensure it stays that way, as long as the partner reciprocates.

Preferred partners: ENFP and ENTP types, as their Extraversion (E) and Prospecting (P) traits counterbalance INTJs’ Introversion (I) and Judging (J) traits. INFJs are also a very strong match as the intuitive connection between INTJ and INFJ is likely to be instantaneous.

If you would like to learn more about how INTJs can get better at starting and maintaining healthy romantic relationships, including advice aimed at specific personality type combinations, download the INTJ In-Depth Profile – a 70+ page guide covering a number of diverse topics. If you are single, you might also want to take a look at our Dating section.

Otherwise, please keep reading:

68 Responses to “INTJ relationships and dating”

  1. Hibiscus Reply

    I pretty much can relate to all what the previous comment just said (Kasper). The only difference for me is that relationships is essential for me. I want a family someday too, however if I can have a fulfilling relation/connection with my partner this would be on the top. However stability in the family formed would overcome this criteria, I think. I feel picky too. I hope I will find someone I will feel confident to form a family with (great parents, stability, share same values, responsibility) but also treat that person as my best friend, and therefore indeed a great connection. ah !

  2. Corah Reply

    I am definitely a strong INTJ…and I was laughing throughout reading my test results and going, YES, exactly, thank you! I am not the only one! Or, “LOL, yeah I admit, I do that <__> / <_< (shifty eyes)…specifically I am thinking of the part where it says INTJs dont study as much as they should bc they figure they'll get it right anyways lol"
    But I firmly believe that most of these people who self-test are NOT, in fact, genuine INTJ's, and this may actually be common knowledge, but…most of these people (even in these comments posted by alleged INTJ's) accidentally reveal via speech patterns, communicated thought processes, **ETC.** that they are a more FEELING type than a THINKING type…and that's just one category. Perhaps some want different results, or wish they were more this way, and therefore delude themselves, which skews their test results. (If they do delude themselves, this only further proves that they are a feeling type, not a thinking type, because people who delude themselves are people who seek emotional comfort, rather than admitting truth and then figuring out a real logical way of how to change. True INTJs know that hiding from the truth doesn't actually alter it, and they are logical enough to face the truth even if it hurts…but in all sincerity, most of the time they will just be thankful for this new fact even IF they are hurt by it, because beholding this new truth means that they can embrace a better method. After all, INTJ's like to push those emotions aside for the sake of logic, remember?) Many people struggle to face and admit the cold hard truth (if or when they do not perceive it as being in their favor). Therefore, it is only logical to conclude that some of those other personality types that prefer emotional comfort, and conformity to alleged expectations of them (contingent upon their experiences, etc.), statistically WILL end up miscategorized, even when being tested by some professionals.
    Lets put it this way: if you're using this test to get to know yourself better, or you eagerly accept learning new things about yourself from it that you did not know before, you're probably not an INTJ. Why? It's an illogical approach to getting to know yourself, and any INTJ would know that it's ridiculously stupid and irrational because if you don't know yourself to begin with, how can you ascertain the accuracy of such a test, and then say it's really you? That's just blindly following something you consider convincing for whatever reason (or should I say, something you WANT/choose to be convinced by because you like how it sounds.)

    In efforts of finding peoples' true personality types, perhaps you will enjoy this as much as I do: read and learn about all the other types and make your own assessments about people (independent from this personality assessment, in order to keep an open mind about the accuracy of it). Compare it to what those people claim, and, IF your assessment is accurate, you will likely unveil their insecurities (by learning what they dislike about themselves or wish was different). If you tactfully poke around and verify whether those "insecurity-born self-delusions" are there, congratulations, your assessment is validated. (Yes, it is possible to poke around tactfully; the trick is to steer the conversation and then just listen. Sometimes you have to open up first, but if for a logical reason, I personally see emotion as nothing but a tool to balance logic, though a smaller quantity of it–in ratio to logic–than common belief is actually necessary. I simply use emotion as a supporter or servant for my logic in social situations.)
    What's amusing is that if only 2% of the population is INTJ, and only 0.8% female, still so many people claim INTJ without questioning to themselves, "Can this really be right? Am I?" Lol people are retarted.

    • Corah Reply

      Or, if some of these statements are untrue, perhaps I am just a very strong INTJ, so I see some other INTJ’s as less logical than me as well.

    • Natasha Reply

      The INTJ description provided is based on what an unsocialized, isolated INTJ would be like at their best/worst. Most people live in a socialized environment where they’ve learned to adapt, change, and blend in so they may not be perceived as a rigid INTJ.

      Another thing to note is that while INTJs make up 2% of the population, we’re also the same type of people more likely to stumble upon these types of sites. Extroverts are more socially aware and thus spend less time questioning the social ins and outs because it is second nature therefore there would be more introverts than extroverts interested in personality assessments. NTs are analytical and try to research and find as much information as possible to help formulate an informed opinion. INTJs spend a lot of time feeling like we’re on the outside and finding a site where there are others who get you is likely to draw out the INTJs from the wooodworks.

      There is no need to be condescending towards people because you don’t feel that they are identical to you. These personality types are limited to 16 identified ones and are based on a spectrum rather than neat little boxes.

      • Alpharetta Reply

        Right on, Natasha. Growing into a sense of balance is a sign of maturity.

  3. Floyd Jr Reply

    Yeah bro I was smiling and laughing the whole time I read the results. I knew I was different being a middle; I just didn’t know how to label it. I’m older now and I don’t care anymore, I’ve come to embrace it.

  4. C. Liz Reply

    I can agree with all of this, actually. It’s really great to find a perfect description. I personally CAN be uncomfortable expressing my feelings, but I am never uncomfortable when it comes to understanding other’s. I actually study human behavior, and understanding other’s emotions is a HUGE part of it and really interests me.

    But yes. The most frustrating problem is that if you know the kind of relationship you want, you won’t stop until you find a person you believe to have a really large amount of compatibility with. Even if you like a person themselves, you could not like their relationship style and know it most likely will not work out. Although some people are able to go from relationship to relationship, INTJ really can’t do that. But I just feel that why should you waste time on something you know probably wont work out the way you want it to, you know?

  5. Jason Reply

    I think that the most important thing about romantic relationships is quality, rather than quantity. I want to fall in love with someone who’s right for me, compatible with my values, and understands, and accepts my personal traits. Oh, and if a man does not value the intelligence, and confidence of an INTJ woman, then that’s his fault. There are plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak.

  6. Greg Reply

    I seem to be a mix of an INTJ and an INTP. This site gives me an INTJ and some other sites INTP. I related to both stories. I definitely have issues terminating bad relationships (INTP) but when it is finally over I will spend days figuring it our (INTJ). Many many times I have felt so low in my life, I meet many women who are very interesting and fun people to hang out with but as soon as I sense unintelligence I lose interest on a whim, regardless of anything else…, I often romanticize friendships just because they are intellectually satisfying, I have certainly done this with my previous relationship while in reality it was juts a friendship. It does seem incredibly difficult for me to connect with women, I get sexually attracted to them but lose all interest on the first date, as soon as we discuss some topic of intellect. Even when I forcefully continue dating the person, it just never again becomes romantic for me. Agh, I feel like I will be single forever, which isn’t such a bad thing…

  7. S L J Reply

    My problem with being in a relationship is finding the right woman to be with, which is a common problem; however, as the description reads, once my mind is made up that the relationship has absolutely no chance I’ll end things. My issue is that the measures used to determine this are sometimes petty from the other person’s perspective.
    I too am a Scorpio which based on some research I did, intensifies these behaviors slightly more.
    Either way, I’m quite proud of my INTJ personality. It’s nice to know I belong to an elite group of fine individuals.