INTJ relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal - a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology - but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs' Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs' propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

INTJ relationshipsAs they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs - if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs' “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren't trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs' best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

As their relationships develop, INTJs' partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn't always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold - it's important to know that INTJs don't make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they've devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values - though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.



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Dec 15, 2014 02:11:16
This is so true to the point that some of it hurts (T_T), like " Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved "

Arghhhhhh, I've always done that so much it's become habit. (T_T)
Dec 11, 2014 06:47:43
I have to say I'm very surprised at the number of INTJs talking about their romantic relationships. Romance seems super alien to me; I'm so disinterested in anything like that. I'd thought that asexuality was something that kinda came with the territory... or at least was pretty common for INTJs. Thoughts?
Dec 17, 2014 05:12:37
romance isn't just sexual Ace. It can be a passion and attraction for someone else, there similarities, intelligence or something else. A lot of people on this page have spoken of relationships that were lacking romance in one way or another.
Nov 28, 2014 02:03:02
Being asexual who may either be aromantic or demiromantic, this, for me, is spot on. I should've recognized the signs in my life lol.
Nov 25, 2014 09:45:49
I can relate to all the comments above... especially the line someone wrote that they have very high standards for a partner, and I know I am not the best either but still.

Just like the article said, INTJ have a perfect world in their head and that person should fit into that otherwise Its a no.
and I just hate it when people can't unerstand that the reason why we don't have many friends or girlfriends/boyfriends is simply because we don't find anyone we can connect ith easily. They are all "you must be gay" Thats all they can think of
Nov 21, 2014 16:56:12
I just read this.... It's pretty accurate I just confessed that I wanted to be in a relationship with someone. I was never really going to do it but since my friend kinda shoved me into an awkward situation in which I had to talk about this. I expected this person to be extremely open and say something like "I feel the same way!" But NO... "Hang on let me make a graph" was the response I got. I was labeled "commander cuddles" right bellow "BFF4EVAR" well, ok uhh idk how to respond to this... Lol