INTJ relationships

INTJ personalities are likely to have significant difficulties when it comes to relationships. INTJs spend a large part of their lives in their heads; consequently, what they see and understand intuitively can be much more advanced than a “bland” reality. As a result, someone with the INTJ personality may find it challenging to merge that fantasy and those high requirements with reality. Unfortunately, their superior logic and imagination may actually hinder the INTJ when they start looking for a partner.

A plan for everything

People with this personality type are likely to apply a rational approach to dating and relationships as well. An INTJ is likely to have a “checklist” in their mind long before they actually start thinking about a relationship. It is also likely that “he/she must be rational” will be at the top of their list of criteria—and this is exactly what usually holds the INTJ back, especially if they are male.

INTJ relationshipsThere are certain rules (e.g., do not appear too interested) and types of behavior (e.g., a girl should not start the conversation) that a person interested in finding a dating partner is expected to follow, and unfortunately for INTJs, the majority of people will follow those rules. Even those potential partners who an INTJ would normally see as rational will probably yield to societal expectations. Consequently, INTJs are likely to get quite disappointed after the first few attempts at dating and may even start thinking that everybody else is either irrational or intellectually inferior.

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing a lot of stability and insight into their romantic relationships, but that extraordinary intelligence is also their main enemy in this area.

Paradoxically, someone with the INTJ personality is most likely to attract a romantic partner when they are not actually looking for one. As most INTJs have difficulties with dating and relationships, their self-confidence takes a major hit in those situations, and the INTJ then overcompensates by showing off their intelligence, which makes them even more unattractive. Only when the INTJ returns to his or her usual self does their self-confidence start glowing again, which makes it much easier for them to attract a partner.

What am I supposed to say now?..

INTJs are uncomfortable expressing their feelings or trying to understand the emotions of other people. They also have a tendency to always trust their knowledge and understanding. Not surprisingly, INTJs can sometimes inadvertently hurt other people, especially during the dating phase and even later in the relationship. The mind of the INTJ personality is geared toward looking at conflict situations as logical puzzles worthy of analysis, which does not always help when their relationship partner does not share the same notion of fun.

That said, if both partners manage to survive the rocky start during the dating phase, it is very likely that the relationship will be very deep and strong and the INTJ will do everything they can to ensure it stays that way, as long as their significant other reciprocates. INTJs are likely to be very imaginative and enthusiastic partners - however, it is important that the INTJ does not fall into a habit of spending more time theorizing about intimacy than communicating with their partner.

What if it does not work out?

People with the INTJ personality type may terminate the relationship if they are confident that it is at risk of breaking down, and they will not look back. INTJs’ approach to dating is quite similar: they will not keep trying if their mind is telling them that the likelihood of a strong relationship is very low. However, the calm exterior can be deceiving; it is more than likely that the INTJ will feel very hurt inside and spend extensive amounts of time figuring out what went wrong, especially if they had devoted a lot of time to dating or making the relationship work.

Preferred partners: ENFP and ENTP types, as their Extraversion (E) and Prospecting (P) traits counterbalance INTJs’ Introversion (I) and Judging (J) traits. INFJs are also a very strong match as the intuitive connection between INTJ and INFJ is likely to be instantaneous.

Want to read more? Our premium profiles go into more detail about various aspects of INTJ relationships, including analysis of all possible trait combinations.



Your name:
Amir Fitri
Aug 20, 2014 19:06:38
As an INTJ male, what I'm looking for in a relationship is "does it work"? As a person whose weakness is women (kinda funny when you think about it, actually), this takes it to a whole different level, as I won't gives my effort and "what is left of my emotions" for a relationship that can never work.

A simple solution for me, is to choose someone, and stick with her. Yes, relationship is a headache, but for you INTJs out there, it is good to actually have someone who will stick with you at all times, since we are "socially low maintenance" type of person.

And it does give you the puzzle that you need, figuring them day by day, ensuring that you're not bored.

As INTJ tend to be lone wolves, a life partner is the most reliable person to turn into when you need help. So choose wisely. And beware; while it is a headache to find a partner, it is harder to maintain the relationship.

What us INTJs need to be prepared is to tell that they need to be straightforward, as well as (hatefully) prepare for actions without reasonable explanations. The fastest and easiest way (for us INTJs) is to change the topic, or if needed, tell them to end it.

For INTJ women though, don't be afraid if you're single. People just can't achieve what we're thinking, we're just too advanced. :-p (seriously though, if you're desperate, it's better to find someone who can accept who you are; these people usually have good genes that your offspring(s) can inherit, as well as giving you the independencies that you need.)
Aug 08, 2014 16:39:26
Dating does suck for the intj woman (thank god a I am married now--I never want to go back to being single). Too bad arranged marriages aren't acceptable in the US.
Aug 11, 2014 10:27:30
You are saying you would prefer to have an arranged marriage than marry someone of your choice? Just because you found dating dificult? Try not to take it personally, but I find that quite pathetic and irrational.
Aug 17, 2014 21:45:04
Dating does suck for us (i'm still single but i have my hopes) !! And relationships r too freaking complicated cuz i do rly spend a lot of time analyzing !
Amir Fitri
Aug 20, 2014 18:34:45
Well, in an arranged marriage, on the pro side, the partner is 'given' to you; us INTJs have difficulties in finding a partner which is not a headache (which makes up 98% of the people in the world, more or less), and being given a soulmate is like given a puzzle, you just need to identify and solve them. and you have a lifetime to do so, and at your own pace.

On the not so bright side, it relies on luck. If you happen to get someone who abuses you, you just wasted an amount of your life, time, and money to marry someone just to get a divorce 24 hours later. Though, it is also a challenge to makeover that said partner, which would be a guaranteed not-boring life.
Aug 04, 2014 01:37:11
I received a lot of attention from guys in high school because of my looks, but they were never interested for long because I was reluctant to show any interest in them. This is still true for me now, and its because of two things... ok three things. 1. When guys claim they "like" me or are really "into me" after never having spoken to me once in their life, it makes me angry because I don't trust their intentions and I find it dishonest. I'm a quiet person too, so my personality isn't out there for everyone to see in the first place. 2. Flirting makes me cringe. People say stupid, dull, meaningless s**t as if they are being clever and witty. 3. I am uncomfortable with intimacy and romance and never liked the way high school relationships were handled and seen (everyone bugs you about it, people are cheesy and dramatic etc...)

I need someone who will simply try and be my friend without making it a big deal. In high school, that isn't what a guy wants, and no one is patient enough to wait for me to open up to them as a friend anyways. The only thing they want open, are my legs.
Sakata Gintoki
Aug 17, 2014 21:48:16
i TOTALLY agree with u ! I think for women like us from this type we have the looks but ppl only see that ! i agree with ur 3 points well made ! Waiting for opening up almost all get bored and ditch us ! i am a women too and i rly want to talk to u about this being a friend ! :)
Aug 19, 2014 05:01:34
Wow. I just found out I'm an INTJ and I have to say all your exclamation points freak me out.
Jul 28, 2014 06:14:07
My friends were horrified by the amount of one word answers and "sure"s I tended to use when texting interested parties, so now they insist on composing my texts for me.
I have to admit, those texts get a much better response than the ones I wrote, but I don't get it. Why do I have to sound so excited in every text I send a guy? I mean, I'm responding, right? Isn't that enough?
Aug 17, 2014 21:49:17
That IS enough ! o_o
Amir Fitri
Aug 20, 2014 18:42:32
To be honest, it doesn't have to be excited (though males would appreciate that).

My advice (as an INTJ male) is that keeping distance is fine. If you're interested in someone, then you can show some effort, like little humor or little flirt. Just that you need to expect the person will not realize you like him until you tell him (though, i'm pretty sure that's the first thing you'll do).
Jul 21, 2014 22:31:43
This has been so true for me. I went though most of my school years feeling like I could never attract a guy because they all just saw me as the "bookworm" or the "nerd" or the "pencil/twig" (I'm pretty thin) or the "girl to go to when you need help on any homework/classwork/projects". I never really socialized and guys never really paid attention to me at school. Sure, I had friends, both girls and guys, but never anything more than that. But all that changed near the end of my junior year. I had already given up on guys and had a small collection of friends that I was comfortable with and I trusted. But then, out of the blue, I met an awesome guy. He wasn't a jerk or an idiot like all the other guys at my -cough cough- ghetto school. He was smart, but not super nerdy, and funny, and really caring and kind, which complimented me nicely. It was surprisingly easy to talk to him that first day we met, I had never felt so open like that towards anyone before. We became reall close really fast, and two weeks after we met... he asked me out! He is (yep, present tense) my first boyfriend and we are so great together. It was all so unexpected and unreal, it fufilled all those fantasies you have about finding the perfect guy and falling in love with him and having him actually fall in love with you back. It's been almost four months for us and I'm still trying to fully convince myself that all this is really happening.

So all of you INTJs out there reading the relationship section about yourself and thinking, "Oh my god I'm going to die alone with a thousand cats mummified in my grave around me", relax. There is someone really great out there who is just waiting to meet someone as smart and independant as you. The moment you stop thinking about it all and just let yourself shine is the moment you find the man/woman of your mile-high dreams.
Aug 17, 2014 21:51:08
I have that man tho i'm still questioning his "like" thing !