INTJ relationships

INTJ personalities are likely to have significant difficulties when it comes to relationships. INTJs spend a large part of their lives in their heads; consequently, what they see and understand intuitively can be much more advanced than a “bland” reality. As a result, someone with the INTJ personality may find it challenging to merge that fantasy and those high requirements with reality. Unfortunately, their superior logic and imagination may actually hinder the INTJ when they start looking for a partner.

A plan for everything

People with this personality type are likely to apply a rational approach to dating and relationships as well. An INTJ is likely to have a “checklist” in their mind long before they actually start thinking about a relationship. It is also likely that “he/she must be rational” will be at the top of their list of criteria—and this is exactly what usually holds the INTJ back, especially if they are male.

INTJ_3There are certain rules (e.g., do not appear too interested) and types of behavior (e.g., a girl should not start the conversation) that a person interested in finding a dating partner is expected to follow, and unfortunately for INTJs, the majority of people will follow those rules. Even those potential partners who an INTJ would normally see as rational will probably yield to societal expectations. Consequently, INTJs are likely to get quite disappointed after the first few attempts at dating and may even start thinking that everybody else is either irrational or intellectually inferior.

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing a lot of stability and insight into their romantic relationships, but that extraordinary intelligence is also their main enemy in this area.

Paradoxically, someone with the INTJ personality is most likely to attract a romantic partner when they are not actually looking for one. As most INTJs have difficulties with dating and relationships, their self-confidence takes a major hit in those situations, and the INTJ then overcompensates by showing off their intelligence, which makes them even more unattractive. Only when the INTJ returns to his or her usual self does their self-confidence start glowing again, which makes it much easier for them to attract a partner.

What am I supposed to say now?..

INTJs are uncomfortable expressing their feelings or trying to understand the emotions of other people. They also have a tendency to always trust their knowledge and understanding. Not surprisingly, INTJs can sometimes inadvertently hurt other people, especially during the dating phase and even later in the relationship. The mind of the INTJ personality is geared toward looking at conflict situations as logical puzzles worthy of analysis, which does not always help when their relationship partner does not share the same notion of fun.

That said, if both partners manage to survive the rocky start during the dating phase, it is very likely that the relationship will be very deep and strong and the INTJ will do everything they can to ensure it stays that way, as long as their significant other reciprocates. INTJs are likely to be very imaginative and enthusiastic partners - however, it is important that the INTJ does not fall into a habit of spending more time theorizing about intimacy than communicating with their partner.

What if it does not work out?

People with the INTJ personality type may terminate the relationship if they are confident that it is at risk of breaking down, and they will not look back. INTJs’ approach to dating is quite similar: they will not keep trying if their mind is telling them that the likelihood of a strong relationship is very low. However, the calm exterior can be deceiving; it is more than likely that the INTJ will feel very hurt inside and spend extensive amounts of time figuring out what went wrong, especially if they had devoted a lot of time to dating or making the relationship work.

Preferred partners: ENFP and ENTP types, as their Extraversion (E) and Prospecting (P) traits counterbalance INTJs’ Introversion (I) and Judging (J) traits. INFJs are also a very strong match as the intuitive connection between INTJ and INFJ is likely to be instantaneous.



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Jul 21, 2014 22:31:43
This has been so true for me. I went though most of my school years feeling like I could never attract a guy because they all just saw me as the "bookworm" or the "nerd" or the "pencil/twig" (I'm pretty thin) or the "girl to go to when you need help on any homework/classwork/projects". I never really socialized and guys never really paid attention to me at school. Sure, I had friends, both girls and guys, but never anything more than that. But all that changed near the end of my junior year. I had already given up on guys and had a small collection of friends that I was comfortable with and I trusted. But then, out of the blue, I met an awesome guy. He wasn't a jerk or an idiot like all the other guys at my -cough cough- ghetto school. He was smart, but not super nerdy, and funny, and really caring and kind, which complimented me nicely. It was surprisingly easy to talk to him that first day we met, I had never felt so open like that towards anyone before. We became reall close really fast, and two weeks after we met... he asked me out! He is (yep, present tense) my first boyfriend and we are so great together. It was all so unexpected and unreal, it fufilled all those fantasies you have about finding the perfect guy and falling in love with him and having him actually fall in love with you back. It's been almost four months for us and I'm still trying to fully convince myself that all this is really happening.

So all of you INTJs out there reading the relationship section about yourself and thinking, "Oh my god I'm going to die alone with a thousand cats mummified in my grave around me", relax. There is someone really great out there who is just waiting to meet someone as smart and independant as you. The moment you stop thinking about it all and just let yourself shine is the moment you find the man/woman of your mile-high dreams.
Jul 18, 2014 17:36:21
My problem with being in a relationship is finding the right woman to be with, which is a common problem; however, as the description reads, once my mind is made up that the relationship has absolutely no chance I'll end things. My issue is that the measures used to determine this are sometimes petty from the other person's perspective.
I too am a Scorpio which based on some research I did, intensifies these behaviors slightly more.
Either way, I'm quite proud of my INTJ personality. It's nice to know I belong to an elite group of fine individuals.
Jul 10, 2014 17:45:57
I seem to be a mix of an INTJ and an INTP. This site gives me an INTJ and some other sites INTP. I related to both stories. I definitely have issues terminating bad relationships (INTP) but when it is finally over I will spend days figuring it our (INTJ). Many many times I have felt so low in my life, I meet many women who are very interesting and fun people to hang out with but as soon as I sense unintelligence I lose interest on a whim, regardless of anything else..., I often romanticize friendships just because they are intellectually satisfying, I have certainly done this with my previous relationship while in reality it was juts a friendship. It does seem incredibly difficult for me to connect with women, I get sexually attracted to them but lose all interest on the first date, as soon as we discuss some topic of intellect. Even when I forcefully continue dating the person, it just never again becomes romantic for me. Agh, I feel like I will be single forever, which isn't such a bad thing...
Jun 13, 2014 19:36:40
I think that the most important thing about romantic relationships is quality, rather than quantity. I want to fall in love with someone who's right for me, compatible with my values, and understands, and accepts my personal traits. Oh, and if a man does not value the intelligence, and confidence of an INTJ woman, then that's his fault. There are plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak.
C. Liz
Jun 01, 2014 14:36:27
I can agree with all of this, actually. It's really great to find a perfect description. I personally CAN be uncomfortable expressing my feelings, but I am never uncomfortable when it comes to understanding other's. I actually study human behavior, and understanding other's emotions is a HUGE part of it and really interests me.

But yes. The most frustrating problem is that if you know the kind of relationship you want, you won't stop until you find a person you believe to have a really large amount of compatibility with. Even if you like a person themselves, you could not like their relationship style and know it most likely will not work out. Although some people are able to go from relationship to relationship, INTJ really can't do that. But I just feel that why should you waste time on something you know probably wont work out the way you want it to, you know?