INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

5 years ago
I still find it hard to believe that I can relate so easily to these articles regarding INTJ's and their behaviour, especially the bit about overcompensating with intelligence. This article is the exact explanation of why I am rapidly losing interest in love and relationships. I am not looking for an extremely intelligent girl(although it would be a bonus), but rather someone who is rational and won't get their head filled with all kinds of unpredictably crazy ideas and who will be equal to me in loyalty. I personally believe an INTJ has the biggest challenge when it comes to romance and relationships since most INTJ's are looking for similair traits in their partner, a combination of traits that are rare...Rationality and intelligence is also a drawback. When it comes to romance I just wish I was naive and blunt because I am seriously resenting it at this point.
5 years ago
I agree with you -- Leonidas. I am an INTJ female-- every time I get close to needing to flirt it becomes an academic exercise. It's not clear to me at all that I could have a relationship with a man who did not have a reason for wanting to: 1) be with me and 2) have a relationship. Very simple indeed (on it's face) but usually I get some "go with the flow" nonsense.
6 years ago
I, an INTJ woman, was lucky enough to find an INTJ guy who finds the whole dating thing completely ridiculous, and we mock it together. He's the most brilliant person I know. (Though he says the same thing about me.)
Chen Jian
6 years ago
My INTJ girlfriend and I are no more. She just told me she never wants to be married ever again. I have my own doubts and uncertainties about being married but I've not 100% closed the door on it either. From a heartbroken ENFP guy. :(
6 years ago
Sorry bro, the INTJ's first experience really determines their outlook on that particular event. My ESFJ girlfriend broke my heart when she lied to me, she recently told me she was sorry, I closed the door on her like I should have at the start. Waste of time.
5 years ago
I'm a INTJ female married to an ENFP guy. I broke up with him 3 times while were courting. Once giving him back his engagement ring. Pretty brutal. What changed my mind was how nice he continued to be toward me afterwards and how he tried to understand my thinking process. He also wasn't intimidated by me like other guys and valued my independence. It didn't take long before I realized there weren't many guys out there that would take the time to really know who I am; instead trying to make me into what they want me to be. Fast forward twenty years later - totally happy he got me to change my mind. He has consistently been my biggest supporter and has challenged me to grow and become a mature person without trying to change my personality. My husband isn't perfect and neither am I which I've learned to except (joke). I believe my mental "list", described above, may have had a lot to do with the problems in the beginning of our relationship - typical INTJ perfectionist. Learning about personality theories has been a great help. My only regret is not knowing about this 20 years ago! Would have saved us both a lot of grief in the beginning of our relationship, lol.
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