INTJ Relationships

In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.

In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.

Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor

Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.

As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans. But the meantime can be dangerous, especially for more Turbulent INTJs – if they are shot down too many times they may come to the conclusion that everyone else is simply too irrational, or simply beneath them intellectually. If cynicism takes hold, INTJs may end up falling into the trap of intentionally displaying intellectual arrogance, making solitude their choice rather than happenstance.

Always Remain Cool

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

INTJ romantic relationships

As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.

INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.

But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.

Truth and Morality

INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.

The challenge is finding partners who share those same values – though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon, they may be a must for many INTJs, as sharing this trait creates an immediate sense of mutual belonging. Having one or two balancing traits, such as Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P) can help to keep a relationship dynamic and growth-oriented by keeping INTJs involved with other people, in touch with their emotions, and open to alternate potentials.

5 years ago
hahaha hilarious, we are supposed to be smart but we are ignoring facts, intelligence and rational are important and it's there so relax Dan even if there are no more INTJ women you can improvise, just get creative. some times we have to compromise who we are if we want to be happy, i refuse to so blatantly believe a study done decades ago defines exactly who i am...with every experience we 'adapt' or change make it a choice to change into a way that makes you happy in relation to what the world has to offer.
5 years ago
Based on the descriptions, I would prefer being with someone closest to INFJ. I need someone to scold me for my cynical and insecure thoughts before I even speak them or think them. Someone to love me without smothering me. I AM dependent when it comes to things I'm unconfident in or dislike doing. That's why I don't open up to people for fear of being bothersome. So I need someone to either motivate me or take care of things for me, moved by the power of unconditional love and their J. :P
5 years ago
Oops again. Replied to wrong comment. I hope they delete those other two... The original experiment has probably been redone with modifications and improvements as many times as there are personality typing websites that exist. I’m curious as to the demographics of the samples. but I’m sure there are articles from scientific journals uploaded somewhere on the internet that I could find if I cared enough. The reason why we INTJs here take the data (can’t think of any less pretentious word) above so seriously is because we’re from a generation of internet users. And no matter how rational you are, you’ve been cultured to believe anything that makes sense, forgetting about the importance of author, sources, etc. I mean, how many INTJs are out there (or rather, here) that use Wikipedia and actually click the superscript links that redirect to the list of sources in the footer of the article? And how many actually click those outside links if possible? Probably not many of us. I do consider myself a bit of a hypocrite for saying all this yet using inclusive pronouns, hah. I admit to identifying with groups that I share a significant portion of its characteristics (that I consider significant). Wah, when speaking rationally online it’s hard not to use big words and pompous grammatical features. ;_;
5 years ago
INTJ Female here, welp I've only had one relationship that seemed to quench my thirst in the romatic intimacy aspect, all others before and after were fleeting affairs. I just can't seem to connect in intense ways with anyone else which is fine with me, I enjoyed their company and although their intellectual and insightful depth seemed to cap off I was more than willing to accept that. I offer amazing sex (this I know as factual as one can get regarding relativity), stimulating conversation, and I am willing to assume typical gender roles ie clean, cook, things of that nature but they wanted more. They wanted dependent and emotional instability (for a lack of a better phrase) which just isn't my niche. I've since consigned myself to raising my son then afer he leaves the nest using my romatic freedom to instead sail around the world and perhaps furthering my education (phd at Harvard) and continuing to build my mini empire...lonely but fulfilled INTJ
5 years ago
Yup, been married for 7 years and counting but will never do it again. I am an INTJ female!
5 years ago
"they will not keep trying if their mind is telling them that the likelihood of a strong relationship is very low. However, the calm exterior can be deceiving – it is more than likely that the INTJ will feel very hurt inside and spend extensive amounts of time figuring out what went wrong, especially if they had devoted a lot of time to dating or making the relationship work" This is SO true for me. I was the one to end my last relationship because, although, he was a great guy, I knew that we were never going to make it work. I've often wondered what might've happened if I hadn't, but I've never regretted it. Still, the thought of hurting him hurts me. I've always thought that flirting and over-the-top compliments were senseless, and sometimes I just don't think before I speak and inadvertently hurt a guy's feelings. As a result, I probably shouldn't date a sensitive guy (even though I'm pretty easily hurt, too). I just can't predict how he might react to all of my "rationality." Having said that, I wonder why the INFJs are listed as good matches for INTJs if they're as sensitive as this website says.
5 years ago
I still find it hard to believe that I can relate so easily to these articles regarding INTJ's and their behaviour, especially the bit about overcompensating with intelligence. This article is the exact explanation of why I am rapidly losing interest in love and relationships. I am not looking for an extremely intelligent girl(although it would be a bonus), but rather someone who is rational and won't get their head filled with all kinds of unpredictably crazy ideas and who will be equal to me in loyalty. I personally believe an INTJ has the biggest challenge when it comes to romance and relationships since most INTJ's are looking for similair traits in their partner, a combination of traits that are rare...Rationality and intelligence is also a drawback. When it comes to romance I just wish I was naive and blunt because I am seriously resenting it at this point.
5 years ago
I agree with you -- Leonidas. I am an INTJ female-- every time I get close to needing to flirt it becomes an academic exercise. It's not clear to me at all that I could have a relationship with a man who did not have a reason for wanting to: 1) be with me and 2) have a relationship. Very simple indeed (on it's face) but usually I get some "go with the flow" nonsense.
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