Few things are as straightforward and stable as ESTJ relationships. People with this personality type tend to be very reliable, and this is reflected in their love life as well. Once the ESTJ decides to commit, they will try very hard to make the relationship work. It is unlikely that they will be spontaneous or unpredictable and may even be seen as boring by some other personality types. However, ESTJs tend to have a lot of energy and enthusiasm, which translate into unexpected surprises and interesting activities. For example, dating an ESTJ is likely to be quite exciting as they will easily come up with fun things to do.
ESTJ personalities are very trustworthy and committed partners, able and willing to do everything in their power to ensure that the relationship is strong and stable. However, ESTJs also tend to have strong principles, and their determination can often turn into stubbornness, with the ESTJ believing that they are always right. Such an attitude is very dangerous in a romantic relationship, especially during the dating phase when both individuals are still discovering each other. A strong self-confidence can be very attractive, but it is also equally likely that the ESTJ partner will feel threatened or at least annoyed by it.
People with the ESTJ personality type are great at protecting their loved ones and defending their interests. This trait is common among Sentinels (SJ), and it is likely to manifest both during the dating phase and later in the relationship. Most personality types are likely to be grateful for such a “shield.” However, the ESTJ should also make sure that they do not come across as arrogant or condescending. Standing up for your partner is one thing; telling them what to do or not to do is quite another.
ESTJs are very likely to encourage their partners to participate in various social events and activities, seeing them as fun and exciting. However, ESTJ personalities are far less spontaneous compared with other Extraverted and Observant (ES) types, and they will probably stick to places, activities, and people they are familiar with (e.g., family events, nights out with colleagues, community groups, etc.).
When it comes to sexuality, ESTJs are likely to prioritize the physical side of intimacy rather than approach it from the spiritual or highly emotional perspective. ESTJ personalities tend to be very energetic, especially where their duties are concerned, and this also applies to the sexual side of their relationships. The ESTJ is unlikely to be expressive verbally, but their sensuality will more than compensate for that. That being said, people with this personality type prefer clear structures and traditions and are likely to seek some degree of predictability in their sexual activities as well.
No one dating an ESTJ or being in a long-term relationship with them should expect too many touchy-feely moments as feelings and emotions are definitely not their strongest suit. This may cause some difficulties if their partner belongs to one of the Feeling (F) types; the ESTJ may find it quite tricky to understand the language of emotions. Ironically, ESTJs also tend to have a very strong need to feel appreciated and respected by their partners, even though this need is more rational than emotional (i.e., the ESTJ would rather hear that their partner appreciates their advice and support than have their partner express this indirectly through affection, increased attention, etc.). This usually has a significant impact on the ESTJ’s self-confidence, but no ESTJ would openly acknowledge that. Anyone dating a person belonging to this personality type or being in a relationship with them should be aware of this peculiar trait.
Generally, ESTJ personalities are very direct and honest with their partners. They find it easy to express their satisfaction when everything is going smoothly and their dating or long-term partner is meeting all their needs. And vice versa, if something threatens the relationship, the ESTJ will try to deal with the issue by approaching it directly rather than attempting to sweep it under the carpet. Their approach is likely to be highly rational and unemotional, even if the actual issue is quite sensitive. Many other personality types will appreciate the level-headedness and calm of the ESTJ.
Speaking of emotions, it is safe to say that they are likely to cause some of the most significant difficulties in ESTJ relationships. Despite being very social, ESTJs are not too good at deciphering other people’s feelings and can often be quite inattentive when it comes to sensing how their dating or a long-term partner feels. This is especially important in conflict situations. For instance, Feeling (F) types tend to be extremely vulnerable to conflicts, and the rational approach preferred by most ESTJs is likely to frustrate them even further.
ESTJs are not naturally emotional, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, people with this personality type should not dismiss emotions as pointless and irrational. Different does not mean wrong, and being sensitive is often far more important than being right. Learning to recognize and appreciate emotions would go a long way toward making the ESTJ’s personality more well-rounded and less prone to “I am always right” and similar sentiments.
If you would like to learn more about how ESTJs can get better at starting and maintaining healthy romantic relationships, including advice aimed at specific personality type combinations, download the ESTJ In-Depth Profile – a 60+ page guide covering a number of diverse topics. If you are single, you might also want to take a look at our Dating section.
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