Love and Thinking Introverts: 7 Ways to Better Romance

Kyle’s avatar

We’re not saying that you are romantically challenged just because you’re an Architect (INTJ), Logician (INTP), Logistician (ISTJ), or Virtuoso (ISTP) personality type. But relatively and statistically speaking, they totally are.

There’s no need to worry or be defensive if you’re one of these personality types – 16Personalities is here to help. (And, if you know one, you can bribe them with candy to read this.) Facts are facts, and embracing opportunities for development is a big step toward having the romantic life that’s right for your personality type. (Remember that part for later.)

When it comes to Introverted + Thinking (IT) personalities, our research shows them to be the most socially and emotionally detached, compared to others. Here are just a few examples:

  • In our surveys, Architects, Logicians, and Logisticians show the lowest results in emotionality.
  • Architects and Logisticians are the least willing to sacrifice personal privacy, compared to other types.
  • Architects, Logicians, and Virtuosos are the least open to romance, compared to other types.
  • Architects, Logicians, and Virtuosos are the least willing to adhere to socially accepted manners.
  • Architects, Logicians, and Virtuosos are the personality types least likely to rely on others.
  • Logisticians are significantly (20 percentage points) less likely than average to agree that their actions are guided by how they benefit others.
  • In response to the research item, “Unless there is an obvious reason not to, you tend to trust other people,” IT types were significantly less likely to agree (49% on average) than other personality types (72% on average).
  • In response to the research item, “You are not interested in other people’s feelings, especially if you do not know them very well,” IT types were significantly more likely to agree (69% on average) than other types (32% on average).
  • In response to the research item, “You feel comfortable talking about your feelings,” IT types were significantly less likely to agree (28% on average) than other personality types (59% on average).

What’s Wrong?


It’s very important to understand that the tendencies described above are not necessarily deficiencies. There’s an advantageous side to each personality type’s way of being – that’s why they are how they are. IT types’ traits may help them happily excel in many areas of life.

But…romance may not be one of them. It’s a decidedly social, emotional world where their strengths are not as helpful, especially considering often overblown cultural romantic ideals.

Yet, most Thinking Introverts want love and intimacy just like anyone.

These personality types have the abilities that help romance flourish but are rarely as comfortable as other types with practicing them. That isn’t the best way to a happy love life. For example, does being relatively uninterested in others’ feelings – or even talking about their own – sound conducive to a healthy relationship?

Probably not – even with a type who feels similarly.

In general, IT personality types who evolve their approach will find romantic relationships much easier and more fun. They’ll increase their chances of finding a good match, and they’ll be better able to foster the behaviors that keep people happy together.

And hey, we’ve got some ideas to help.

Romantic Advice for IT Personality Types

IT personality types can be themselves while also practicing qualities that romantic partners will appreciate. The following advice can help these types create greater joy and love – whether with a new partner or within an existing relationship.

And if you’re an IT type who thinks you’ve already got these things mastered, you could always ask your partner to read this article and see what they think you could improve on.

We’re kidding. It’s much safer to just try these tips:

1. Find Your Own Ways to Be Nice

    IT types dislike mandated or superficial niceties and may ignore some basic social pleasantries as a result. Their manner can seem a little “flat” to those who seek warmer feedback. But being pleasant and even complimentary doesn’t mean being shallow.

    You can blend society’s idea of politeness with your own reserved, rational style. Instead of giving someone a superficial compliment, find something about them that impresses your values and tell them in your own way. A genuinely positive thought can be heartwarming, however it’s given. IT types can have great manners while staying true to themselves – it just takes some effort and awareness.

    2. Be Encouraging

    IT types tend to be skilled at spotting problems and often share their concerns with loved ones out of a desire to prevent harm. But a steady stream of critical examination can wear people down (even if it’s accurate) – especially personality types who base their views on hope and optimism. Not everyone sees things purely in terms of hard facts.

    So, instead of expressing pessimism over anything that doesn’t pass your personal logic tests, pour your energy into applauding anything positive, no matter how it’s achieved. Saying, “I am so impressed with the way you’re budgeting,” makes loved ones feel a lot better than, “Glad to see you’re not spending too much.”

    Positive reinforcement. It’s a thing. (We’re really impressed that you’ve read this far. Some IT types are dismissive, but your open mind is a thing of beauty!)

    3. Don’t Overthink Every Moment

      Introverts with the Thinking trait often put as much energy into examination as action. But in romance, being present in the moment together (instead of in your own head) can be very fulfilling. When sharing an experience, a romantic partner will appreciate your joining in it more than examining it mentally.

      This can be a challenge, but practice will help you find a balance. Whether it’s a simple coffee break together or a grand romantic encounter, try to focus on where you are and what you’re doing. Find basic anchors in your environment: Feel the sensation of your feet touching the floor. Notice three things about your partner’s outfit (and refer to item 1). Be aware of your own breathing. You know, “mindfulness” kinds of things.

      4. Learn to Tolerate Imprecision

        Models and measures that make good sense in some areas of life might not work as well in a romantic relationship. The rationally calculated approaches that most IT personality types rely on (and idolize) often need to be modified or set aside in love. It isn’t a precise thing, and it suffers under strictness.

        Being exacting might be lauded at work or school, but it might be seen as pickiness that may stress out an existing partner or repel a potential one. So, be conscious of how your way of thinking and living affects others. Being oneself is an essential part of a healthy romance. But love is a valuable enough reason to be a more accepting version of yourself.

        Major bonus: it’ll seriously reduce your stress levels.

        5. Be Cautious with Your Jokes

          Dark humor, biting sarcasm, and derisive cleverness are often a grand part of IT types’ wit. But these things can seem harsh to some personality types, especially early in a relationship. First impressions are powerful. Give people plenty of time to get to know your more compassionate, sincere side before showing your sharp edge.

          Once people are comfortable with you, they’ll be able to put your wicked sense of humor in context – and appreciate it better. It’s also wise to pay close attention to people’s reactions, even if they seem amused. If they never seem to engage in similar kinds of joking, then perhaps it’s mainly you they like, more than dark humor. Consider adjusting accordingly.

          6. Recognize Emotional States

            Every personality type thinks their way is “normal,” but it can be surprising how differently others operate on the inside. IT types often make cursory assumptions about others’ emotions because they’re not as interested in them as other personalities are. But people really like it when you pay attention to their feelings – and that’s super good for any relationship.

            You can be more aware of a partner’s emotions simply by occasionally asking how they are feeling. Try not to do this too often or randomly, but more as a thoughtful response to events or cues. Listen carefully, consider what you know about the person, and go from there. Oh, and respect their privacy. Yeah, we know – that can be a tough balance to get right, but just do your best.

            Learning to be considerate of a partner’s feelings and needs, even when they’re not clear about them, is one of the most important components of a happy romance.

            7. Err on the Side of Generosity and Kindness

              All the time, in everything. If you do something kind that wasn’t sought by a partner, it’ll likely still be appreciated. But the lack of a desired gesture can make a potential partner think you’re not interested in them and can make an established partner think you don’t value them. So, it’s pretty darn logical to be kind and generous in romance, isn’t it?

              That might not always be comfortable for you, but what you (and others) may not know is that it’s not because you’re unwilling to give.

              Check this out: in our “Generosity” survey, we ask, “Does worrying about being taken advantage of often stop you from being generous?” Only five personality types agree in a majority, and four of them are – you guessed it – the Introverted, Thinking types (60% on average).

              Maybe you’re worried that your generosity won’t be properly valued. That’s understandable, and a great reason to pay attention to how you’re treated in a relationship. But, like an engine, reciprocity must start somewhere, so let it start with you – and if it lapses, “give” it more fuel. (See what we did there?)

              Another thought to keep in mind is that when you love someone, being generous and kind can feel like its own reward.

              Balancing the Needs of the Self and Others

              In the introduction, we mentioned IT types having the romantic life that’s right for them. That’s an important point, because their ideal romance might look different from others’: calm, uncomplicated, and with lots of room for independence. For these personality types, a happy, healthy relationship is one where they can be their reserved, rational selves.

              But other personality types have their romantic ideals, too – perhaps wilder, warmer, and less practical than IT types usually envision. When dating or in a relationship, people are a lot happier when they invest a little energy in understanding each other’s needs – and fulfilling them.

              In couples with differing personality traits, this often means relaxing limits to accommodate each other. For similar types, it can mean recognizing the consequences of mutual habits. For example:

              • In a relationship with a Feeling type, an IT type may appreciate their partner respecting their emotional reserve. Their partner may appreciate the IT type being willing to discuss their mutual feelings. Both people honoring their differing needs creates balance.
              • In a relationship between an IT type and another Thinking type, neither may care to consciously delve into their feelings. The relationship might not require much up-front effort, but it may suffer greatly when they need to resolve issues.

              Being with a partner whose traits are similar can feel easier than welcoming someone’s differences. But all relationships require effort – and we don’t always get to pick who we love. Practicing mutual awareness and care from the beginning helps sustain love between any personality types.


              We hope the ideas we’ve offered help you make your love life more fulfilling than ever before. Introverted, Thinking personality types who are willing to step outside their preferences to some degree are more likely to find love and have a happy, fun relationship when they do. (That’s a big win for IT types, who especially dislike drama.)

              Remember, the many rewards of love are a powerful motivation to grow as an individual.

              Are you an Introvert with the Thinking trait? If so, what part of your personality troubles you the most in romance, and what part have your romantic partners objected to? Let us know in the comments below!

              Further Reading