How to Ask Out an Advocate (INFJ)

So you want to ask an Advocate (INFJ) out on a date – are you sure about that? Just kidding: Advocates are known for being caring and compassionate, and they’re always looking for ways to support and uplift other people. This may be a rare personality type, but it’s one that leaves the world a better place.

Make no mistake, however – Advocates are kind, but they can be downright choosy. People with this personality type tend to have dreamed up clear ideals of what they’re looking for in a partner and a relationship. Those ideals can be quite lofty – and surprisingly specific. So if an Advocate turns you down, respect their decision, but try not to take it too personally.

The good news is that, with a little know-how, you can ask out that super-special Advocate in a way that’s more likely to resonate with them. What we’re offering here isn’t a guaranteed recipe for success, nor is it some kind of personality-based manipulation tactic. It’s just a few guiding insights about what matters to Advocates in romance and in life – and about what gets on their nerves.

So without further ado, here are our top tips for asking someone with the Advocate personality type out on a date.

Tip #1: Don’t Invade Their Privacy

Advocates may be kind and friendly, but they’re not open books. In fact, they can be quite private. When someone with this personality type chooses to open up, they do so on their own terms – and in their own time. If you push too hard, chances are they’ll just clam up.

Ideally, you’d want to take some time to establish familiarity with an Advocate before asking them out. Some personality types are flattered by the whole “I saw you across the room and couldn’t resist” thing, but that tactic rarely works with Advocates. People with this personality type want to be appreciated for who they are and not just how they look. And they can find it challenging to let down their guard with someone they’ve just met.

You may need to chat with Advocates casually a few different times before they feel comfortable enough to relax around you.

Finally, make sure that you choose the right moment to ask out an Advocate. You might look at them quietly reading or enjoying a cup of coffee and think, “Oh good, they’re not doing anything! This is the perfect time to ask them out.” But alone time is incredibly important to people with the Advocate personality type – it’s when they process their thoughts, consult their intuition, and restore their energy. So before you invite yourself to sit down with them, ask, “Hey, is this an okay time to talk?” And if the Advocate in question seems annoyed or distracted, give them space and leave the conversation for another time.

Tip #2: Be Real. Be Really Real.

It’s human nature to want to impress someone you’re interested in. But phoniness and pretenses are major turnoffs for Advocates, and people with this personality type usually have a finely honed ability to detect when you’re being even the least bit fake.

In short, asking out an Advocate is not a good time to pretend. Don’t worry about acting cool, don’t dress in a style that doesn’t feel natural to you, don’t play games, and for the love of all that is good in this world, don’t stretch the truth about your interests or hobbies in an effort to establish common ground. Avoid the temptation, for example, to act as if you love their favorite book if you’ve never read it. Lying to an Advocate is one of the surest ways to lose their respect entirely.

Advocates are drawn to authenticity and vulnerability, not attempts to be cool or impressive.

So, how do you earn an Advocate’s respect? That’s a big question, but one key is vulnerability. Advocates tend to admire people who embrace their full selves – including the parts that aren’t cool or enviable or mainstream. So tell them what you’re passionate about, even if it’s nerdy. Tell them a funny story, even if it’s about something awkward that you did. Most Advocates would rather spend time with people who share real, distinctive things about themselves than with people who posture and try to seem cool.

Tip #3: Suggest an Advocate-Friendly Date

Here at 16Personalities, we conduct a lot of surveys to refine our understanding of different personality types. And one of those surveys is our “Ideal Date” survey. Here are some survey findings that might help you come up with an Advocate-friendly date idea:

Nearly 91% of Advocates say they prefer a date that’s inexpensive or free, so steer away from anything that’s too extravagant.
Close to 96% of Advocates say their ideal date includes deep conversation, so don’t suggest a loud venue where you wouldn’t be able to hear each other.
More than 85% of Advocates express a preference for doing only one or two activities on a date, so don’t plan an all-day extravaganza with many different activities.

Conclusions

Asking someone out always comes with the risk of being rejected – no matter how perfectly you tailor your approach to their personality type. That said, we hope that these tips have given you some insight into what may or may not work when asking an Advocate out on a date.

So, readers: Have you ever asked out an Advocate? If you’re an Advocate, what would make you want to go on a date with someone? Tell us in the comments below!

Tip #1: Don’t Invade Their Privacy

Tip #2: Be Real. Be Really Real.

Tip #3: Suggest an Advocate-Friendly Date

Conclusions

Further Reading