Opposites Attract: Advice for Extravert–Introvert Couples

In the early stages of a romantic relationship, the person across the dinner table from us is – figuratively speaking – an iceberg. Yes, a small portion of our love interest’s personality may be visible, but the rest is unknowable, hidden well beneath the surface.

Often, we fill in the blanks by projecting what we want to see. As a result, we may misconstrue even basic aspects of a prospective partner’s personality. A bookish Introvert might expect that a well-read Extravert would enjoy reading by the fire, while an Extravert might assume that a food-loving Introvert would want to hit the town and sample all the hottest restaurants.

As intimacy grows, so too does understanding. Fortunately, when the differences in an Extravert–Introvert partnership emerge, the relationship doesn’t have to break apart. After all, compromise is necessary in every relationship – even a relationship between two people with the same personality type.

Here’s the thing: a compromise can feel like a sacrifice, or it can make a couple feel happier, closer, and more ready to go the distance together. With the right mind-set, couples can learn to enjoy and appreciate the differences between them, thereby expanding their perspectives and growing as individuals. As long as an Introvert and an Extravert see their personality traits as complementary rather than adversarial, they can forge a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

Dealing with Downtime

We all need a chance to recharge our batteries, but Introverts and Extraverts have very different ways of relaxing and reviving their energy. In Extravert–Introvert couples, one person is energized by social outings, and the other is exhausted by them. Alas, this disparity can lead to conflict. After a long day of study, work, or childcare, an Introverted personality might want nothing more than to cuddle on the couch and watch movies. An Extravert, on the other hand, might need a night out with friends in order to face the next day refreshed.

In this type of relationship, passive-aggressive comments and silent scorekeeping will only breed resentment: “We always do what you want, so can’t I have my way tonight?” A healthier way to compromise is to agree on a fair arrangement in advance. For example, an Introvert might offer to attend her Extraverted partner’s office happy hour every other week, and in return he might agree to stay in and play cards on Friday nights. This builds a solid foundation of mutual understanding and trust, so neither partner suspects that the other is getting a better deal.

Every couple must decide how to balance the needs of each partner so that neither feels shortchanged. While there is no cut-and-dried solution, it is crucial for each partner to recognize the validity of the other’s feelings, never second-guessing their partner’s preferences or needs. Otherwise, the Extravert partner might criticize the Introvert for not cutting loose once in a while, while the Introvert may insist that the Extravert needs a night off “to rest.” Even if well intended, this type of advice can create feelings of misunderstanding or even resentment in the relationship.

That said, one of the great pleasures of an Extravert–Introvert partnership is to experiment with the other person’s way of doing things. Sometimes Introverted personality types do need to spend more time with others than they care to admit, and occasionally Extraverts should forgo social engagements in the interest of sleep, rest, and self-reflection. When they find themselves in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share their Mind trait, Introverts might enjoy venturing out of their comfort zones, and Extraverted personalities may experience a newfound sense of peace, contentment, and intimacy.

Ultimately, however, the core nature of the Extravert or Introvert must be respected. Extraverts who are made to feel shallow or immature for their need to get out will inevitably grow resentful, just as Introverted personality types will chafe at being called a “recluse” for preferring to stay at home. As long as each partner views the other’s needs as valid, the couple will find it much easier to compromise on going out versus staying in – or simply opt to make separate plans now and then.

Differences, Not Deficits

There’s another danger in viewing your partner’s personality trait as a “problem”: you might find yourself taking their behavior personally. For example, an Extravert may worry that their Introverted partner is tired of them, when really the Introvert simply doesn’t want to go to a noisy restaurant for date night. In this dynamic, the Extravert might feel slighted or attacked every time the Introvert doesn’t want to go out together.

On the other hand, an Extravert’s need to get out and mingle with other people might make the Introvert feel inadequate or even jealous. The Introvert may begin to wonder why the Extravert lights up at the prospect of a night out with friends. Especially if the Introvert was looking forward to a quiet night together, the Extravert’s natural desire to get out of the house can feel troubling or even hurtful.

It’s important for us to understand not only how our partner behaves, but why. Before jumping to conclusions, Extraverted personality types might remind themselves that their Introverted partners need quiet time in order to recover from everyday stresses and worries. By the same token, Introverts might remind themselves that their Extraverted partner’s desire to go out reflects an innate aspect of their personality, not a commentary on the relationship.

Not So Different

In the end, Extravert–Introvert couples aren’t so different from couples that share the same personality trait. After all, two Introverts may still crave different amounts of alone time. And two Extraverts may both want to go out, but the questions of where and with whom can still lead to disagreement.

In all healthy relationships, both partners must feel comfortable expressing their needs to each other, and from time to time they must each be willing to give more than they take. Especially in an Extravert–Introvert relationship, this balancing act can be a challenge. Fortunately, if both partners are able to accept – and even cherish – each other’s differences, then it is a challenge that will enrich rather than weaken their relationship.

CMS
5 months ago
The problem we have is that my super-extroverted partner talks to people all day at work, whereas I don't and want to talk with him at the end of the day, and by that time he is too tired. Suggestions?
4 months ago
Try leaving a space when he first arrives home. Greet him, (so he knows things are ok between you), but don't launch into conversation for a while. Hopefully, (like a battery!) he will be able to recharge and be able to talk and listen more effectively.
5 months ago
I wish this article touched more on the internal/external thought processing difference between introverts and extroverts, instead of the stereotypical social norms attached to them. I am an INTP who enjoys being out of the house and doing things (mostly) while my ESTJ partner is more of a homebody. He processes things externally and is generally more social than me, but this article almost made me believe we had switched roles or something.
Your name: