Perception, Personality, Dating and Religion

Darrell's avatar

Religious homogamy. That’s something you rarely hear anyone talk about or you may never have heard the phrase. Yet the idea has had some serious cultural implications over the history of man. The phrase refers to the people from like religions preferring to date and marry each other. You’re probably even familiar with religions where the idea is codified as canon to be obeyed. In Christianity, many believe that Paul included marriage in warning to the Corinthians to not be “unequally yoked” with “unbelievers”. Traditional religious parents often blanch at the idea of their child marrying outside of the faith.

New studies out of the University of Otago in New Zealand suggest that neither the religious institution nor parents need to push too hard to prevent such pairing. There is a natural inclination of like-minded religious people not to pair with the non-religious while non-religious people have biases of their own against marrying religious people.

The study suggests that non-religious people viewed religious people as not being open to new experiences. Openness is commonly seen as a necessary ingredient for intellectual curiosity to flourish. Notice the word “viewed” and “seen” above. This is important because the study concerned itself with perception of the non-religious rather than any objective reality. The more someone went to church, the more they were viewed by the non-religious as lacking openness and were typically rated as a less desirable potential partner. As vestiges of being religious went up, for the non-religious, potential partners’ attractiveness went down.

Part of the argument apparently was as basic as one group seeing openness as an essential quality while another even questioned whether openness was inherently a good thing at all. The two may fundamentally look at experiences labelled as “open” differently and apply different values to both. In our model, Sentinels are most likely to be drawn to traditional organized religion, with Analysts being on the other side of the spectrum.

It would be interesting to see if there was a differentiation between “religious” and “spiritual” while asking the same questions. Some would argue they are not the same thing at all. But there may be some overlap between two. When the study refers to “religious”, are they referring only to those who adhere to traditional organized religion? Does all manner of religious experience count here? What if one fancies him or herself as a spiritual adventurer as many in the New Age Movement do? That suggests some kind of openness to experience although there also may be a certain degree of dogma associated with it as well.

In our model, Intuitive personality types (so Analysts and Diplomats) are likely to be open to spirituality without being as open to traditional religious experiences. Explorers would most likely shun traditional dogmas while Sentinels would embrace them.

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It seems to me (an INTP-A, evangelical Christian) that in general people marry or form long-term meaningful relationships with others who are like-minded. Period. If being a Christian (or Muslim, or Hindu, or Buddhist, etc.) is very important to someone, than they will want their significant other to share those same beliefs. If you are an atheist. You will want to be with someone who also is an atheist. In a long term relationship, these worldviews are important to be inline with one another because the far reaching implications in mutual decisions and priorities will eventually collide. So, I'm not convinced that it is a perceived closed-mindedness (on either side of the religious/nonreligious spectrum) that is the deterrent to forming "unequally yoked" relationships. It's just the natural way of serious relationships to NOT progress if you're with someone whose worldview and goals are incongruent to your own. Another thought... the article cited the point-of-view that non-religious people perceived religious people as not being open to new ideas and experiences. As a religious person, I would argue that non-religious people also could be perceived as being closed minded toward religious ideas and experiences. :)
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I totally agree with you! It's not being close-minded, it's just that people have their preferences. Being Greek Orthodox, I have been raised to look for Greek Orthodox, next being just Orthodox because so many things can clash. For instance, which church to go to, if any church at all? Being a religious person, church pretty much revolves around life itself. An atheist won't quite understand, and depending on the person, might question being married at a church or even participating in activities exercising your religion. Same on the other side. Some religious people might wonder the point of life without religion, and even press them to convert. In some cases it works, but for me there is just too much clashing of beliefs.
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I think a better word to replace close-minded is "committed". Religious people are committed to their religion, whereas atheists close their minds to the possibility of a God.
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Well, as an INTJ-A girl that grew up in a very religious family (many of my ancestors were religious preachers and scholars) I did follow my ancestors path... Not because I was just born into a religious tribe but rather because I just found that my religion was the most rational one. My spirituality and mind helped me reach my conclusion that my religion is the right one. And as for the Sentiles following the religion traditionally more than the spirituality of any religion, YES! Like some don't even question what they've been taught. I believe that the stereotype of religious people that they are narrow-minded bigots and non-religious are smart open-minded is a social problem that some societies face due biased medias, government promotions of a specific ideology, and most significantly, the lack of religious knowledge of other religions. Religion is not the main reason here. I also don't mind marrying someone from a different religion but my rational mind tells me that this type of marriage will affect my children more than us, not knowing which religion they should follow. Who is right? Can I follow both to make of my parents happy? So, I'm sorry lovely partner but mind comes before love and emotions. And also, if we love someone we would surely want them to follow the same religious beliefs because we would like to spend the "afterlife" with them in Paradise rather than seeing them unhappy there, right? I think that's why some people might refuse the idea of interfaith marriages.
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Thanks for your thoughts. What if you fell in love with them? Would logic prevail?
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I completely agree to this comment too! Especially the part about non-religious people being generally more open-minded... Non-religious people can equally think close mindedly about someone's religious practices or religious ways. It really is a case by case sort of thing when it comes to it, really... The generalizing can get a bit out of hand on both sides, each one accusing the other of being more uptight.
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I don't know about other people, but with my Greek Orthodox religion, you wouldn't fall in love with them in the first place. Growing up, I have been raised with the ideals that I should marry another Greek Orthodox, or just another Eastern Orthodox. (that is a branch of Christianity) Anyway, you can only really fall in love with someone if you get to know them. Normally, you get to know people if you go on a date. So, that means the only way to fall for them is to go on multiple dates and decide that they are the perfect match for you. (aside from religion) If you are talking about falling in love with someone because you are with them constantly, like a co-worker, you'd ignore the thoughts and pursue someone else. Logically speaking, it just wouldn't work, and this is coming from a person that does not think logically, but rather with heart. (I am an INFP) I'd tell myself that there are plenty of fish in the sea and move on. To me, thinking any other way would just be because of selfish needs. If you decide to have children, like that person said, they would be very conflicted, and it just wouldn't be fair to put them under the stress. If it were me in this situation, it likely wouldn't have happened in the first place. Things like that just don't work out like they do in the movies. (and not to mention the Greek relatives, my gosh! They'd be so judgmental! XD)
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Actually, I've experienced this... I fell in love with a very religious ENFJ-T guy that had different religious beliefs and we both were very open and respectful to each others' beliefs. However, because both of us are N we thought about our future and our children when we will get married we realized that we can't be together (since each of us wanted to raise them according to our own beliefs). And we had some debates about religions, despite that it was fun, sometimes we offended each other without realizing. Interfaith marriages can happen but it will cause much struggle, patience, accepting, understanding and tolerance. I thought that it will be easy like being a friend with someone with different religious beliefs...but it was much more difficult. #LogicWins :)