A Path to Peace: Resolving Relationship Conflicts with Feeling Personality Types

It might not be accurate to say that Feeling personality types are more emotional than Thinking personalities, but it’s true that these groups tend to process and express emotion differently. Feeling types are more likely to consciously embrace emotion and share in it with others. There’s a wonderful honesty to having emotion be a forward part of perception and decision-making, but it’s not without its downsides.

That can become especially obvious during conflicts in a romantic relationship – inflamed emotions aren’t always helpful when a couple is trying to resolve a problem. And yet the fact of feelings must be honored as part of any meaningful resolution process. With that in mind, let’s explore some approaches to resolving relationship conflicts with Feeling personality types.

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The Feeling Is the Fact

When trying to resolve a spat with a Feeling personality type, it’s important to understand how organically and overtly emotion is entwined with their thinking process. (It’s part of Thinking types’ process too, but they tend to de-emphasize it.) Regardless of what was said or done in a conflict, Feeling types are likely to focus on their emotional response. They may cite an event, but what they’re often really talking about is how it made them feel.

A great way to create good communication with Feeling types is to try to genuinely understand their emotional state, whatever is being discussed. In some moments, emotion may be a gatekeeper, denying access to objective and reasoned stages of a discussion until it’s given due respect. So carefully and gently exploring your partner’s feelings (and your own) is an important part of healing a relationship issue – they need to know that their feelings matter to you, and they want to understand yours as well.

The Risk of Resonance

Strong emotions can be contagious for any personality type, and when Feeling personalities are upset, you may get drawn into their emotional energy. That’s not necessarily a bad thing – sharing feelings can create empathy and important personal bonding. But if you enter someone’s negative emotions, even sympathetically, you might increase their upset. And if you mirror them combatively, you’ll make the conflict between the two of you worse.

How you respond to emotion is heavily based on how you handle your own emotions. Working to fully acknowledge your feelings, without letting them carry you away, can be an important part of addressing a conflict. Sometimes you may want to present a compassionate but neutral stance, rather than participating in any emotional escalation. This can encourage a sense of stability that allows you both to move forward with reconciliation.

Healing the Hurt

Regardless of what the root problem may be, reaffirming the positive connection you share together can help you return to harmony with a Feeling partner. That’s not easy when you’re upset with each other, but the more you remind yourself of the good things between you, the easier it can be to resolve problems between you. And it can start with you, no matter your personality type.

Try to verbally affirm your regard for your Feeling partner as you’re working things out. Be clear that despite the friction you’re currently having, you love and respect them. It’s important to find a way to say that as well as show it by listening and speaking respectfully, even during difficult discussions. Feeling personalities can often sense what’s in your mind and heart, so remembering all the ways you love your partner can help you radiate a mindset that leads you both back to peace together.

Final Thoughts

Expecting the Feeling personality types in your life to downplay an essential element of being, like emotion, merely because it occasionally gets messy is backward. Exploring your feelings together is much more likely to move you forward, past your relationship issues and into joy. Acknowledging how and when it’s beneficial to try to control or rise above your emotions can be part of that journey.

Everyone has emotional moments, no matter their personality type. While many Thinking types regard that as a nuisance (at best), Feeling types typically see emotion as a valuable tool for achieving positive ends – and as an end unto itself. As an Architect (INTJ), I think that’s a realistic view. Happiness is an emotional state, and confidence and security are likewise internal feelings. In a romantic relationship, these desirable things – and others – are built on emotion.

Comments

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J.D.

Commander (ENTJ-A)

Interesting article! Just speaking for myself from an outside perspective... It was interesting, reading that, "emotion can be the gatekeeper to objective reasoning." For me, as a Thinking personality, it's actually flipped: objective reasoning is the gatekeeper to emotion and affect. If someone can engage me through "logos," I find it easy to want to engage with that same person through "pathos." It was also interesting, reading about the "resonance" of emotional states. It reminded me of magnets. Someone's aura can be like a magnetic field: attracting, repelling others or neither. Most important, though, is knowing that "resonance" is a 2-way thing, not a 1-way thing; magnets resonate to one another. If one person wishes to get closer to another person that repels instead, they counteract each other. They'll be in deadlock and limbo until one matches the other: they either patiently, graciously, and studiously both get closer until they unite or...become partial to their self-interests and ill perceptions of each other, repel each other and ultimately go their separate ways. In other words, resonance is a 2-way street, not a 1-way street. Lastly, it was also interesting, reading the last part about healing and reaffirmation of a positive connection. How being explicit about one's love and respect for your partner's feelings reaffirms the connection. For me, and possibly other Thinking personalities, it is the opposite. By demonstrating that you care to quietly and patiently listen and, in turn, engage with our "logical appeals" to the rational, objective part of your fascinating self, even and especially in heated moments, you implicitly reaffirm the positive connection for us, based on that shared respect and commitment to careful and deliberate consideration of everything, including both "logical" and "emotional" appeals. Thanks for this discussion. Really fun to see how people work. Have a thoughtful and splendid day, whoever you are, wherever you may be. :)

Switch 黄克玲

Virtuoso (ISTP-A)

This was a well-written post. Your thoughts were really well articulated and as a fellow thinking type, what you said resonated with me.

Anonymous

Interesting thoughts, I found myself agreeing many times. If logic comes first, feelings come easier, I always thought that. Being petty is based on feelings too, after all. I prefer everyone calm down first. But romantic relationships aren't for me anyway. Too complicated, too many feelings, too much human lol.

So nice of you. I'm glad my thoughts could make an impression on you!

"Too human" lol. That made me laugh. Awesome of you to respond. Thank you so much for also sharing your thoughts.